I haven’t been able to sleep well the last couple of days and as always it’s a mix of things. We know there’s anxiety and stress in there. But i’ve been struggling with wrist pain for a couple weeks now. Of course the diagnosis was carpal tunnel + tendinitis. If you know me, neither are strangers. But it’s shocked me how many other grad students have just accepted this pain as normal. But I digress. Meds they gave me for that ain’t help. Had to book another appointment less than a week later cause the pain was too much; I couldn’t sleep at night from the pain, couldn’t get work done from the pain Was not feeling productive because I couldn’t get work done. Then was super anxious about having to tell my advisors that I did nothing that week. So couldn’t sleep from the anxiety.
Anyways, got a 2nd appointment and was bumped up to a steroid pack. That has its side effects….lovely. But all those aside, definitely helping with the pain. Of course my dog was in heat while all this was happening and requires a lot of attention when in heat. Lots of cuddles, massages, kisses and skin contact. I ain’t complain. BUT also lots of going outside, meaning on and off of diapers. Walks had to be on leash (I usually have her off leash) because all the fellas on the block want her (because they can tell she’s in heat and want to mate) AND when in heat, her attention span is a lot shorter. She’s busy trying to find a mate. Having her on leash means I need to hold it LOL….wrist pain.
But that’s not even what I wanted to talk about. But I guess here we are.
It’s mothers day today (American mother’s day). And yesterday I spent the whole day cleaning. Xena got off heat (FINALLY) and the weather was nice (not too hot, not too cold) so I decided to give her a well deserved bath since she had been bleeding for 2 weeks. But bathing a lazy 113lb dog is a whole workout AND wrist pain LOLOLOL.
Then I was on a kick AKA probably procrastinating AKA trying to do something that requires minimal thinking AND I know i’m good at. SOOOO. I spent my whole day cleaning the entire house. I live with 3 human housemates and 3 non-human mates and don’t me started on cleanliness. Point being, I cleaned in and out, reorganized, dusted, cleaned the windows, etc. Wrist was fine. Wore my brace the whole time. Then I got to cleaning me and my housemate’s bathroom. Lots of scrubbing of the shower walls. My back. My wrist. My knees. This was after 7 hours of cleaning. Then I realized I hadn’t taken the steroids all day and they require to be taken with a meal. Of course I don’t eat at regular times or often soooo taking medicine with food is hard for me. But also, I don’t want ulcers. Been there, done that. So I wrap up cleaning. I take my time through thee pain. I don’t rush it. Cause this part is important to me. A clean shower. So satisfying. And of course two housemates come home. One thanks me and praises me for a job super well done. She was just thanking me for cleaning and impressed at how good the house looked. (she clearly doesn’t know how Dominicans be going in. It’s engrained in me). And her girlfriend just puts us both down (as always) and says something along the lines of ‘don’t thank her for doing something as simple as cleaning the whole house when you can’t even clean our room’. I have no words and there’s a lo of context needed for that to fully make sense. but also, it doesn’t make sense when you know the context.
Point being, it sucked. I spend 85% of my time outside because I’m triggered by lots of arguing in the house during the day. I cleaned because I wanted to feel satisfied. I wanted to feel accomplished. Like I did something and I did it well and can’t no one tell me otherwise cause I know my shit. lol. But BAM, always someone to crush you. I literally just rolled my eyes, laughed it off with my other housemate and just kept it going.
I scarfed half my bowl of orzo and chickpeas, took my meds for the pain, enjoyed a brisk walk with my dog (off leash!), got home and crashed on the floor because of my back pain. I stretched a bit, cracked my back (a lot), ate some fresh bread my housemate just finished baking (YUM!). Glorious.
Then I remembered that I needed to go to Atlanta this weekend and didn’t because I’m worried about my two back tires traveling so far on the highway. They have nails in them and I have to add air to he tires weekly … I know, I know.
But I’m a stressed, anxious, now socially anxious, BROKE ass grad student. My car. They are a beast. My car is gender fluid cause some days she’s giving be big bad bitch energy and other days it’s just a swoll frat boy. regardless, big ass car, V6 engine, shit adds up. And you know what takes forever to add up? Money.
So it’s about 9pm and I’m feeling guilty. Guilty cause I didn’t work on a Saturday. Cause I didn’t go to Atlanta. Cause I didn’t take my car to the mechanic. Cause I didn’t take my dog to the vet (she has a mass they need to check that’s been growing larger for months and needs to get spayed now). All this, takes lots of money and time and mental energy. All are things I feel like pushing aside. Burrowing. Hiding. Cause if I spend time thinking about it, then I get emotional or sad. And those things don’t help me get work done. And every. fucking. week. I meet with my advisors (individually) about progress i’ve made for the week. And it feels like fucking death telling them I couldn’t get something done or fully done because I was verbally harassed by a neighbor or triggered.reflecting on global news or continuing to struggle financially. All these things take up time and mental space. And the second I take to think about it, it gets me “off-track”, “distracts me”, etc. And I need to get the fuck out of this toxic ass environment.
Fuck, I still haven’t gotten to the part that I wanted to get to when I opened up my computer screen. And yes, I’m typing through pain. Wrist pain. Migraine. Eye pain. Emotional pain. It’s a whole lot.
Okay, so at 9pm I feel so guilty that i’m like, I need to do something about my car. So I go outside, try to estimate the tread on the tires. How bad are they? Can I get away with only buying 2 tires and rotating them? Nope lolol. Ones with the nails are great tread wise, but the ones up front are worn down soooo if the nails in the back tires are further than 1/4", I’ll beed new tires and can’t even use the front ones cause those are like at 3mm. And tires for my car are $100+. AND I don’t feel comfortable getting used tires in this “city” cause I don’t have a black mechanic that I feel comfortable going to. One that understands money is tight and will get me a decent used tire for $50–80. Gotta go to these white mechanics, feel weird about being broke. Not wanting to feed into stereotypes. Not wanting to look too clueless or vulnerable. Etc. Etc. Whatever. I check the tires. I check my power steering fluid which I new was gonna need to be topped off soon but wasn’t sure if it needed to be changed cause my car been on some shit. Color looked good. Smell was fine. BUTTT then I peeped a leak (what looks like oil) near the engine. LORD. That can end up being super expensive. I check the other fluids, all look fine. Of course one of the lights for my license plate is out so theres another thing. And my license plate is very ummmm just thrown together in order to keep the screws in. Long story.
SO I go inside. Take a breath. And start doing some research. Comparing tire prices + installation + alignment + diagnostic for the leak, etc etc. Yup….$1000+ if I need all new tires even with the buy 3 get 1 free “discounts” they be having. Fine whatever. I technically have the money, I’m just stingy about it cause fuck it takes a long time for me to be able to save that $$.
Then I remember that I had to put in a request for a rebate from my dog’s heartworm preventatives. Cool. Easy to do. Did that. Then I remembered that I had to call the vet and try to negotiate with them; see if they can sedate her only once, fix her and get a biopsy of the mass. Cause sedating an 113lbs dog ain’t cheap and the last quote they gave me was $650–750 jut for the sedation + biopsy + diagnostic. No treatment or anything. FML. And again, I am now gonna have to negotiate with fancy while people and trying to not feed into stereotypes, but like WTF that’s a lot of money man. But priorities, right? Guess my car comes first, then the dog? But what if she has cancer and is in pain or getting worse and i’m just out here neglecting it cause I’m being cheap? The guilty comes back. The anxiety comes back. The stress comes back. Oh and I know I need PT for my wrist, but nah, we gonna push through and try to be smart about it at home…I guess. but typing can’t stop. Cause if it does, my degree stops. And I already took an unofficial 8 month break b/c covid, so I’m feeling guilty about that too.
Ugh okay. So late at night, I was just on my phone. Put together a mother’s day post for my dog’s account. I love scrolling through pictures on my camera roll. It’s all dogs, cats, and wild flowers. So I put something together as I’m trying to feel sleepy. FUCK need the second dose of steroids before going to bed. But can’t sleep right after because main side effect is ulcers so they don’t recommend you lay down after some time. Now i’m anxious about that. Cause my neck and back and knees and wrist are in pain. I want to sleep but I can’t cause the meds. I eventually give up and just lay down.
I wake up 4 times during the night. Can’t sleep. Anxious about when to go to the mechanic. Only a couple are open on Sundays and I won’t have time during the week to go. Oh right, but it’s Mother’s day on Sunday. Fuck. Constantly waking up from side effects of meds + pee + anxiety + I started my period the same day.
i wake up at 6:30am. Read a text from my husband. Enter the IG vortex. Clicked on an artists page. Then went to her personal page and got super sad. Her husband has AVM and has lost his memory. they have 3 young children together. She miscarried what would have been the 4th. She ended up having to be her husband’s caregiver (as well as her children and her own). trying to find a way to support her family financially, emotionally, mentally, etc. I can’t even imagine. I got so sad. I want to help. I’m over here stressing about my car and dog meanwhile…so hard to hold those feelings of guilty back.
So I text my husband again, but he apparently had a rough/eventful night and was needing to desperately go back to sleep. So I decide to get out of bed to cuddle with my dog (she LOVES her morning cuddles). And I feel sad every morning, so cuddling with her is what I always need in the morning.
I get down to her bed, pull my pillow (reserved just for morning cuddles with the dog on her bed). And out of no where, I star SOBBING. My dog wakes up and is like WTF is going on. She of course tries to dry/lick my tears. Yummy salt but also what’s happening to my mom all of a sudden? She is alarmed so she gets off the bed and lays on the floor in front of the bed. Watching over me. Protecting me. Giving me space. but I was sad cause I wanted her close to me. I wanted her to hug me as she loves (and is trained) to do. but she wouldn’t. She just kept watching me carefully. Allowing me to cry and let it all out. When I finished, she came back into the bed and licked me. As if to apologize and reassure me that it’s okay and she’s sorry if she’s caused me harm or stress. And I can’t pin-point why I was sobbing. Could be me being tired from not sleeping well. Could be a mix of hormones from my period. Could be because I tried being a mom for over half a year and it didn’t work out. Could be because I know of so many that are trying or have tried and haven’t been able to become mothers. I know many that have lost their mothers but especially this last year with the global pandemic.
I then think of all the women in my life that have had a positive impact. And I cry even more. I’m so grateful.
Then my mind drifts away and I think about my dog as I pet her sweet face and consider a morning or day without her. I don’t have human children, but I start thinking about all those worries that come when you become a mother of a human child. Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) came to mind. Mainly cause my dog is a LOUS snorer. And I love hearing her heart beat. I love hearing her breathe. I love hearing her snore. Cause it gives me information. Is she okay? Is she still alive? Is she resting? Is she dreaming? Etc. A morning or day without hearing her or feeling her warmth. Wow. And that’s just a freaking dog! Imagine a human child that you grew inside you for months. I can’t imagine. And then I go darker. And think about death. About how I rather die before my dog because Idk how I would deal with her death. So I rather die before I see or experience her no longer being with me. And holy fuck….that’s when I was like, lord I need to write shit down because I’m at a dark place. Maybe? Maybe it’s not that dark. Maybe others have had these thoughts.
If you read this whole chaotic tangential non-linear thing, thanks. Welcome to my brain on a Sunday morning. Happy Mother’s Day? Life is weird. On to coffee and outside peeing time (for the dog) while I water my onions, arugula, and squash.
Lots of deep breaths have and will continue to be taken. As I painted on a canvas and put up on my wall…”breath in deeply to bring your mind home to your body”.
