I wish I could be clear.
I wish I could explain this better.
Just step inside my head.
Experience my thoughts run. Non-stop.
Just step inside me.
Feel my heart beat. Uncontrollably.
Just listen to me vent for the hundredth time.
Words come out of my mouth like a waterfall.
I don’t remember 70% of what I say.
I want to remember. I just can’t.
That anxiety and depression memory….glorious.
This I do remember. Always.
I hate my current life. The situation that is.
I ‘work from home’, but I just sit around all day.
I get up, play with the dog outside, make coffee, catch up on emails, bank info, etc.
I try to find the energy and focus to get work done, but instead I find something else to do.
Like watch Netflix while drinking coffee…or re-organize my room…or clean the house…
I’m miserable. I don’t like where I am. I don’t love the people around me.
I feel limited. I feel small. I feel insignificant. I feel incapable. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel desperate. I feel lost. I feel hurt. I feel helpless. I feel hopeless. I feel stressed. I feel weak. I feel fat. I feel empty. I feel forgotten. I feel lazy.
I hate grad school. So muchhhhh.
Not the science. Not the potential. Just the situation these past couple years.
I hate the racism. The feeling of being: Lost. Overwhelmed. Financially stressed. Alone. Stupid. Unreliable. Small.
Should I continue?
Am I doing myself a massive disservice by continuing?
How naive am I for thinking that things will get better once i’m finished with this stage of life? For thinking that I can sacrifice things now for a better tomorrow?
Should I be thinking about a better today?
Is that easier said than done? Hell yeah.
But is it one of those things you constantly heard and thought about, but didn’t act on, so you find yourself wishing you had listened?
Is this something I’m going to regret?
Will I regret leaving in my 4th yr after doing 4 studies or will I regret hanging on by the thinnest thread?
What will be the deciding factor?
Can I get a small glimpse into the future? Get some idea/hint/clue on what I should do next? Should I stay? Should I leave?
I’m twenty-fucking-five. What in the world?
How can one survive 16 years of unhappiness?
16 years of sadness. Overwhelming sadness.
SIXTEEN FUCKING YEARSSSSSS!!!!
It’s hard to think of. I don’t want to see/read/think that and feel proud. It’s been hell.
If I died today, how would I be seen? What type of person was I while living?
Was I just stubborn, unhappy, smart, resilient, perseverant, lonely, young, goofy?
The fact that I haven’t dropped out of grad school…..
Does that make me someone who accepts failure and keeps moving? or someone who hasn’t accepted failure?
What have I done with my life? Who have I become? What path am I on?
Too sad to continue.
