***Warning: Post about suicidal ideation. I am fine and seeking help. (this has happened to me in the past due to a post I put on here and I would really appreciate it if it didn’t happen again)… Please do not call the cops for a wellness check on me. I promise I will be okay and that would traumatize & trigger me further. If you’re concerned, feel free to text or call me instead.***
And we’re back to this place. Where there’s a deep dark sadness. A pit.
Shame. Guilt. Disgust. Silence. Reflection. Chopped into pieces. Fragmented. And I feel each segment. Each breaking point.
jagged, rough, asymmetrical, sharp even.
Cuantas veces en este mundo tiene uno que sentir la misma cantidad de dolor? De tristeza? Seria la misma cantidad que la felicidad? Porque eso no me suena correcto…e sentido dolor y tristeza miles de veces mas que la felicidad y hasta me atrevo decir mas que el amor. Por eso no se siente balanceado para nada. Perooooo uno tambien puede decir que es una señal que la vida va a dar una gira. Una gira positiva. En cual pudiera sentir miles felicidades mas que dolor. Se puede invertir. Pero lo dudo. Seriamente lo dudo.
That’s why at this moment, all I want to do is cry. But I keep holding myself back. Thoughts of actually being fucking over it. Of this being the time where I can put an end to it all. Where I have done some shit the last couple of months so I won’t be leaving on a super sore note. Where I had talks with people I love and care about. Where they are aware of my mental state and would get it if the next time they hear about me, it’s news that I am no longer alive. Where records would show that I was trying to get divorced. Trying to finish a PhD. Trying to surround myself with people who love me and I love back. Trying to change. As always. Always trying. But none of it allowing me to move not a centimeter closer away from this deep deep sadness.
So people would understand. My mental, emotional, physical state. Have receipts/records of how I was doing and feeling. It would be explained to my family & friends or rather clear therefore not warranting an explanation.
Shit. My dog is even finally okay away from me/without me. She’s found happiness and love in another family that has a dog. So even she would be all good and I won’t feel guilty or like I’ve left her stranded.
And y’all…I’ve been trained in this sooo many times. I aware of suicidal thoughts/ideation. I’ve lost friends to suicide. I know how this works. The red flags and signs of people desperately needing help. The signs one can look for or see when a person is deeply depressed. About to fall of a cliff. Just begging for help in their own ways.
One of those things is if you notice the person giving away items of significance or seeming like they are planning/arranging for things to keep running or working while they are away. Gifting items.
I know thinking about the state i’d be leaving my work, school, dog, plants, clothes, family, etc are huge red flags and signs that I may be attempting to end my life. But it’s just how my mind works. I like to stop, think about it, and then I let that go. The process of laying it out and thinking about it is enough to set me back to reality. I don’t have a plan on how to end my life. Never made one. Hope I never get there, but I know what I wouldn’t want to do — shoot myself in the head or bleed to death or something long and painful. But I haven’t ventured into what I would “like”. So, if that helps you calm down or be less concerned…there ya go.
Regardless. I feel deep sadness. Deep sense of being overwhelmed. Lots of pressure on me. The way they describe panic attacks as an elephant sitting on your chest…..that’s me rn but like just sitting on me. My whole body feeling extremely heavy. But not the hyperventilation that comes with a panic attack. Just this sense of being glued and grounded and not in a good way. Like you can only move your eyeballs because you don’t know how to work the rest of that body you’re in anymore. Like you’re in something foreign. But you still feel the pain. The heaviness. You want to break out of it or move. You want any amount of relief, but can’t find it anywhere.
I’m exhausted. Tired. I just want it all to stop. Pause. Fast forward. Cause I don’t want to even restart in that state or feeling. I want it to be over with and for me to be able to never even have to look back to that time.
I just want to be okay.
