How are you?
I’m not okay.
I’m exhausted. My eyes are in pain. My head also.
I try to take deep breaths. I trie to quiet my mind.
But how the fuck do people do it?
How do people continue working during this hectic time.
Big and I mean BIG shit is happening in the world.
PoC are being murdered.
PoC people are continuing to be murdered.
White people are continuing to murder us.
The media continues to try to cover shit up and paint a different picture.
Lies are being told. And when the initial reports state these lies, it makes it damn hard to correct later on.
Damage control is terrible. And people will always cling to those initial reports.
Why the fuck and I mean WHY THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK is it that one white person could feel so fucking threatened by us that they feel the need to murder us?
Why can’t we be loved and appreciated as human beings?
Why are y’all so fucking mad about seeing us just trying to survive out here?
You’ve fucked us up enough.
Let us fucking continue minding our own business.
We provide you (and others) with essential services.
We have to make you comfortable.
We have to conform to your rules.
When will we get some reciprocity?
I’m exhausted.
I’m not okay.
I’m tired.
I’m confused.
I’m breaking down.
I’ve broken down.
I’ve been told i’m ‘distracted’.
Am I? Or am I very focused on the things you don’t want me to be focused on?
End of the day, I get it. I understand why you call me ‘distracted’, but do you try understanding me at the end of the day?
I’m not okay.
I’m enraged.
I’m fucking scared.
I’ve been harassed enough for the color of my skin.
I was diagnosed with depression at nine.
I struggled with self-harm since I was 11.
E — FUCKING- LEVEN.
Once I got into grad school, shit went all the way left.
Just one month in, I started this blog (?) if you’d call it that.
I recently shared the link with someone and told them it’s more like a personal journal.
Anyways, I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder a month into grad school.
I couldn’t believe it.
General Anxiety Disorder?
Nah, that’s just how I think. I just plan. We’re supposed to worry about things.
Other people don’t feel or think this way? WTF?
Nah. this is normal?
General Anxiety Disorder?
Shit, well, I mean, when you break it down … it fucking fits the bill.
It’s exactly what I do through.
How long have I dealt with anxiety for?
But now … Well, since starting grad school (2017) …. the anxiety has been crippling.
Literally halts me.
And maybe it’s because I no longer have my outlet — dance.
Maybe …. fucking maybe … it’s from the racist shit people tell me (about me).
Maybe it’s from being called the N word at a red light, while I was minding my business.
Maybe it’s from being told racist shit in class.
Maybe it’s from being harassed while grocery shopping, cause apparently black people ain’t supposed to eat vegetables?
Maybe it’s from ALL. THE. FUCKING. microagressions that are now macroagressions.
Maybe it’s from being in a predominantly white space AT ALL TIMES and feeling like an outsider constantly.
Maybe it’s from struggling financially.
Maybe it’s from my own insecurities and imposter syndrome.
Maybe it’s from not being heard.
Maybe it’s from all the times i’ve had to share my trauma with you cause you keep forgetting which makes me feel like you don’t care.
Maybe its from you asking me “Hey, I heard some racist shit happened to you. You mind sharing? You wanna talk about it?” while we’re at a bar celebrating someone’s birthday….and when I awkwardly reply with “I rather not. I don’t think it’s the time and place”. You immediate ask “why?”. DA FUQ. You asked, I replied. I do not feel comfortable. So then I walked out. And started asking who would be attending events before I considered going.
Maybe it’s cause I constantly feel like I need to change my behavior or speech or hair to avoid fucking comments. No you can’t touch it. Why is an afro exciting and fun to you? It’s just my hair.
I’m tired. I’m exhausted.
I’m not okay.
I feel
weak.
defeated.
insignificant.
worthless.
invisible.
incapable.
confused.
scattered.
heavy.
lost.
hurt.
lonely.
uneasy.
restless.
isolated.
unreliable.
disconnected.
uncomfortable.
repetitive.
