I’m struggling. I’m emotional. I’m tired. Nothing is working. All is failing. All is crashing. Everything brings me close to tears.
I’ve been depressed every day for the past 14 years. FOURTEEN YEARS! And possibly longer than that.
I can’t focus. I want nothing but the warmth and safety my bed brings me.
I want to get all my work done. I want to feel like I’ve accomplished something. Like I’ve completed a project. To be told I finally got it done!
I want to feel free. To be happy. To be calm and relaxed.
I want stillness.
Please, just some stillness.
And if I can’t have that, then just overwhelming amounts of physical pain will do.
I’ll take physical pain over emotional pain ANYDAY of the week.
I can deal with that. I can see it. I can actually point my finger at it. I can clean it, help it heal, and watch it change.
Emotional pain is not satisfying. It’s not something I come out of thinking ‘ I did that and I made it through’.
Please, let this change and allow me to read back at this and say, “Hey, I actually am in a better place now and I did get through that”.
