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Tamera Healing Biotope at Sunrise

DISPATCH FROM TAMERA 1.0 — The Grief of Returning

John Wolfstone
Aug 27, 2018 · 6 min read

I arrived to Tamera two nights ago…

…There is an unspeakable beauty and grief in returning, after a long time, to a place that you love.

Things smell familiar but the people, the place, is different. Tears come in joy for the reuniting with what you love, and they also come in sadness for realizing what you missed.

I’m awash in feeling.

Tamera is unlike anywhere I’ve ever been on this Planet. Maybe it’s the intoxicating smell of rockrose, or maybe it’s the many eyes which greet you with the shyness of those who are not afraid to love.

The love here is slow, the love here is deep.

In contrast, the love I’ve experienced time and again in the US, especially California, is a hungry love; an unbounded, unmatured, eat-you-alive kind of love. It’s the love of a culture that is desperate for love, the love you get when a culture has been homeless so long that it has forgotten what a home in love might feel like.

When I last left Tamera nearly 2 and half years ago, I knew I wouldn’t return for a long time. That time I had stayed for many months, having done a special community winter education, and participated in my 2nd Global Love School, and a month-long community course. Coming home that Spring was quite hard. I was between worlds, my heart left in Europe, my body in the United States.

I also left a human love story at the moment it was climaxing. She was an Israeli woman, soft, round and supple, but with a dogged fierceness in her eyes, the kind of presence one only gets from having both spent time in an army, seeing things none of us should ever have to see, and from spending years in a place attempting to end all war.

I left Tamera on my final morning then, 2.5 years ago, straight from her arms to the train. We shared a few handwritten letters in the months following, but as she does, time had her way with us and eventually we both faded into the background of each other’s lives, dream-like memories of a different time. Actually, the whole project of Tamera faded into a dream-like memory after the years. Heck I was still doing a film about it, but I couldn’t quite remember. The feeling of the place became elusive, the dream gone back to where dreams come from.

And so when a call to return came my way earlier this year, I was hesitant. Why go somewhere where I’d ultimately leave? Why touch a dream again that has seemed so impossible when back in the states? Why suffer like that?

Many I have known who once loved Tamera have fallen away back into the conscription of societal life. The experience of Tamera is disruptive all the way down to the existential core of a being, and the gulf between what this place is and what most of us come back to is often too much for a lone psyche to handle. Many I’ve seen return from Tamera, who are at first very inspired, slowly become dejected as the realization comes at how improbable Tamera truly is, and how achingly difficult it is to recreate even a thread of that feeling back home. And so I’ve seen these people, knowing not what else to do, eventually find a partner, a nice job, a house, and settle down into a “normal” life, as the dream for how it could all be different fades away.

I empathize deeply with this path — for the past 2.5 years I’ve essentially, at least in some secret corner of my life, been trying for the same. Luckily it just didn’t work.

Perhaps it’s because, even as I was anchoring myself in California for these past years, this knowing of a different world, a different way, has been haunting me.

— —

And then, just now, as I was writing these words, a feather caresses my neck. I turn in my seat, and catch the mid-drift; dark olive skin, rising to supple breasts, framed by dark curls which continue up to behold one of the most beautiful faces I’ve ever seen. We both smile, she kisses my head, I, her belly. We meet each other’s gazes and just hold for a long time. I ask her if this place is home, she says, “no.. it’s just somewhere along my path, a big blessing in this way.” And all in instant, 2.5 years of being apart collapse into this moment or reunion. Time ceases to matter much in moments like that.

Back to this knowing of a different world that has been haunting me…

Despite this knowing of personally how difficult it’d be to come back, and ultimately leave again, I chose to return to Tamera. For my life is not just my own. Something is pulling at me — a dream much larger than my life, than this life can even comprehend. But it’s here in feeling. It’s the dream of a healed Earth. It’s a dream painful to bear, and yet the alternative — the world we have now that is dying — is worse.. if we can feel it.

And yet there in lies the issue, and perhaps secret to this transition work of our time. It’s in the feeling.

The U.S. modern society, it only works because we’re numb. The entire society in a way has been designed to subjugate our feeling sense (which roots in the erotic), for people without feeling are able to be controlled. Waking up then is not just a matter of consciousness, it’s a matter of feeling, its a re-inhabitation of the body and trusting it as our guide. Even if we quit our various addictions; coffee, alcohol, shopping, feeling-less sex, NRE, Facebook, Netflix, the next greatest diet, continual self-improvement; we’d still not be fully safe to open to feeling in the current state that is the Western Capitalist world. Only in a place as protected as Tamera have I been able to fully feel my broken heart, and let it move me to action.

So I come here in a way, to feel more, to open myself again to understanding why this world I currently live in back home is actually the impossible one, for it’s the one that’s vectoring towards global suicide, already having killed countless species, ecosystems and cultures. So I’m here to face the dream of a better world — a dream so audacious, many back home, including myself at times, have written off this dream as idealist at best, a joke, or a threat, at worse.

So I am here at Tamera, to learn how to help bring this dream into manifestation — how to make it more than just a joke. Tomorrow I will begin the 3 month education in Healing Biotope Development. I am joined by 50 others from around the Earth, including many from crisis areas, such as the favelas of Brazil, or the Nicaraguan country-side. I don’t know what this course will bring, but I am committed to share this journey with all of you.

Thank you so much for your support!

I continue this crowdfunding campaign to help bridge the cost of the tuition of this education — please support if you can, it would mean a lot to feel my community in this way!!

And please reach out with any questions, prayers, comments or… .

Until soon, and with the beat of a global heart,

~ John

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