I am a Graduate Student with ADHD
I am 22, a woman and a graduate student. On paper, I am not somebody you would expect to struggle with ADHD- but I do. I never thought I would write about my journey, it has always been a shameful secret- but it shouldn’t be. As somebody who is successfully coping with ADHD, I feel it is important to share my story. Because October is ADHD Awareness Month, now seems like the perfect time.
What is ADHD? Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Caused by differences in brain wiring and anatomy. It can cause the inability to focus, filter out distractions and control impulses. It is not an issue of willpower- there is a difference between won’t and can’t. People with ADHD also demonstrate the tendency to hyperfocus. When a person would normally be able to move on from a task, a person with ADHD will find it impossible to redirect their thoughts.
It is a myth that people with ADHD are unintelligent, their brains are simply wired differently. ADHD is unrelated to effort or intellect. To quote Kristen Stevens, “Disability is a mismatch between a person and their environment.” When given conditions to succeed, a person with ADHD will be successful.
Another myth? Only little boys have ADHD. Although rarer and harder to diagnose, ADHD does affect women. Often times, women are trained by society to cover these symptoms up, writing them off as personality flaws or character weaknesses. This causes many women to go undiagnosed until adulthood, if at all.
In women, ADHD shows up differently. Yes, she will most likely be easily distracted and disorganized, but it is harder to see, more subtle. She may often make “careless mistakes” because she is moving so fast. Women or girls with ADHD are often late, forgetful and emotionally charged or hyper-sensitive. She may exhibit frequent day-dreaming, low self-esteem, and trouble sleeping. She might frequently misplace things, have a difficult time making decisions or interrupt. Others might consider them “ditzy,” “spacey” or “drama queens.” It is far less likely that they will act out in class or demonstrate “typical” ADHD behavioral issues. Instead, women internalize the struggles associated with ADHD. This comes with large consequences. 1/3 of women with ADHD also have an anxiety disorder. They are far more likely to struggle with depression, eating disorders and insomnia.
For me, this manifests in several ways. When I am shopping, I bounce all over the store instead of moving in a logical way. I am a poor verbal communicator- I have great ideas but struggle to organize them well enough to communicate them to others. Motivation is incredibly hard, even the simplest tasks can seem daunting. I struggle with problem-solving, often feeling paralyzed when faced with large projects. “What do I do first? How long should that take? What about that other class? Oh, crap, I forgot about my blog post. And my laundry. Wait, where should I start this project? What was I supposed to do?”
I talk too much, which can be seen as a negative, especially as a woman. But really, talking is how I comprehend things. Often times, reading or listening to a lecture is not enough. I struggle immensely with attention to detail. Spelling and typos are nearly impossible to avoid- even when I proof-read three or four times. I have to rely on my friends or family as a second set of eyes.
I am currently in grad school, and sitting through my three-hour classes tests me every day. I struggle when the class is moving fast, especially when discussing detail oriented subjects like coding. If I miss a word or sentence because I am distracted by a shadow outside or a noise across the room, I get lost and struggle to catch back up. I am embarrassed to ask questions- often feeling like an imposter. Perhaps that is why I am so sensitive to being called incompetent or stupid. Most people don’t know about my ADHD, and if they do, they write it off as an excuse. Often times, I have been told, “But you couldn’t do it without your medicine.” That comment used to keep me up at night- I felt unworthy and ashamed that I was taking a medication, even though that medication was prescribed by a doctor and designed to correct a neurological deficiency- simply leveling the playing field.
Often there is a stigma against these drugs- mostly due to their misuse by those without ADHD. But for somebody who actually has ADHD, the drug has different effects. It quiets my brain down enough so that I can hear my own thoughts- but even then, it is only a tiny piece of my treatment. Medicine is not a magic cure-all. It doesn’t give me an edge or advantage in any way. Honestly, the great majority of coping with ADHD lies in self-discipline, resilience developing techniques and systems that making learning possible.
For instance, I take color-coded notes with a system I have had since I was little, often getting eye rolls or dirty looks for using colored pens as an adult. Red is for vocabulary, green for equations, and purple for things I didn’t understand and need to ask about after class. This plays three roles, it allows me to keep the back part of my mind busy during lectures so it doesn’t wander, helps me retain what I learned through muscle memory and makes it easier to study later.
I am a slave to my planner. Without it, I wouldn't remember my homework, meetings or even small tasks like doing the dishes or checking the mail. I even designed my own planner so that it was functional for me.
It isn’t about whether or not I could do this without my medicine, it is about the fact that I am doing this despite my challenges. I am a first-generation college graduate who will have a master’s degree at age 23. There was a time when I didn’t think I would graduate high school. It’s rare that I brag about myself, but that is really, really cool.
In celebration of ADHD Awareness Month, here are the ways ADHD gives me an edge as a creative.
- Energy
I have an energy and excitement that is unique and compelling when I am passionate about something.
2. Compassion and Empathy
Because I have struggled with learning myself, I am better able to understand accessibility and comprehension issues. Although I struggle with some mathematical or logical concepts, I am very in touch with both my own and other people’s emotions. They make sense to me, even if they are illogical.
3. Creative Problem Solving
When the ways I was taught to learn didn’t work, I had to find ways that did. I might not look at problem-solving the same way as everyone else, but I have a unique perspective that can be incredibly valuable.
4. Rapid Brainstorming
My brain moves fast and jumps around- sometimes this is a weakness. But when brainstorming, the random ideas sparked are an absolute strength. I can often think of several ideas instantly- it is just a matter of writing them down and executing them.
5. Creativity
I am bored and distracted easily. As a child, I had a wild imagination to entertain myself and cope with that. But In adulthood, my imagination has not gone away. Play is essential in design, and it is a space where I feel comfortable.
Cheers to all of my fellow ADHD brains- here is to knowing with hard work, you will discover your strengths and thrive. Good luck!
