Meaning What We Say
I think I’m allergic to small talk.
I think that there are questions that have become so commonplace that they’re no longer questions; they’re greetings we say back-and-forth to each other in passing.
I would bet that every single person in the United States has had this conversation:
- “Hi, how are you?”
- “Good, how are you?”
- “I’m fine, thanks!”
Frankly, I’m exhausted by these quick conversations. I feel like they’re not helping us know each other or grow as people; they’re a social norm. I don’t think I’m alone when I say I want conversations of substance. We want to talk about life, we want to talk about how we’re really doing, but in most situations when we ask how the other person is doing as we’re walking past each other, we often lack the time to hear an answer that’s longer than eight seconds.
I work to be someone that people see as safe. I work hard to be a good listener for those I love. But if I want anyone to be honest with me, I need to make room for them to be honest with me.
I’ve changed my language since I realized this for myself. I don’t ask how someone is doing unless I have time to listen to an answer other than “fine”. Instead, I ask how their day is going. I ask about their week. Sometimes, I ask about how school is going, or what they think of a new show. But when I ask someone how they’re doing, I want it to mean something. I don’t want it to just be a common greeting that I ask people countless times a day without noticing.
Maybe we change the culture around loneliness and mental health through huge initiatives, through education, through telling stories. But I also think that culture changes when we choose to live a little bit differently than we did before.
And maybe we can create a culture where, when they ask us how we’re doing, we can finally be honest.
