Technology’s Calling Out My Depression (But At Least I Beat It Today)

I miss the days when technology didn’t rat me out for procrastinating. (Looking at you Google Docs!) Not that I like procrastinating, I hate the feeling it gives me and that my work suffers because of it, but at least I was the only one who knew how bad it was. My grade school teachers were handed the work when I got to class, and that was that. They didn’t see that I started it the morning it was due at 3am, or that I only had half of it done one period before it was due, they just saw it completed. They didn’t realize how good I got at bullshitting last minute essays, and they didn’t see how broken up I really was. But in college, they did. In retrospect it probably didn’t mean as much to them as it did to me — turning in work a couple minutes before the deadline — after all it was turned in on time. I knew though, and I knew they could see it. It seems so much worse when other people know. I don’t think of myself as a slacker, but without having conversations with each of my teachers about my depression, that’s all they see. Or, at least that’s what it feels like. It’s a bit strange to me that something as simple as a timestamp on a document can make me realize how far I’ve slipped into my own mind, but I suppose I’m grateful that there is any indicator at all. Based entirely off of its contents I feel like I should post this musing after it’s due, but this is the first time in a long time that I have completed something with 12+ hours to spare, and I don’t want to ruin that for myself.