I Trust in You
I sat alone in my cold car parked on the edge of campus. Palms sweating and heart racing, I clenched my phone tightly in my shaking hands. This was it: a moment I thought would never come — a moment I both fantasized and feared. Closing my eyes, I felt my grip loosen and my finger hover over the screen.
“Message sent.”
Like a chain reaction, I suddenly gasped for air and began sobbing uncontrollably. Under my breath, I muttered, “Jesus, I trust in You.”
~~~
Hi Mom and Dad,
This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I’m not going to beat around the bush. It’s time that you know I’m gay.
This is no recent occurrence. For most of my life, I have known this to be true. I’ve been ignoring it and lying to myself for as long as I can remember, and I just can’t go on like this. I’m tired of living a lie.
Since the start of this semester, I’ve felt like I’ve had a rock in my stomach. I don’t know why, but I knew it would soon be time to do something about these feelings. God was calling me to live an authentic life. I needed to face the reality, no matter how much I hated it.
I love you both so much, but please, before you start to think about how upsetting this may be for you, please think about the years and years that I have been suffering. I’ve been blessed in so many ways, but this is something that has severely affected my everyday life. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about this and pray to God, begging him to make me normal, begging him to take away these feelings, begging him for an easier life.
Trust me, I, much more than you, have wanted nothing more than for this to change. I just want a normal life. I’ve thought about marrying a woman, having kids, and just pretending to be straight, and for the longest time, that’s what I thought I would do. I thought I was going to have to force myself to live a life of lies. I thought I was going to have to force myself to ruin someone else’s life in hopes of pretending mine was normal. I thought I was going to forever be unhappy. I can’t do this. I won’t do this.
Being gay doesn’t change who I am. I’m still the same Ryan. I’m still your son who loves you both more than you will ever know. Most importantly, I still love God with all of my heart, all my soul, and all my mind. That is what has made this journey such a struggle. I can’t believe, and I won’t believe, that God doesn’t want this for me. I talk to him everyday, begging for some answers, and I think He is finally giving them.
Even after acknowledging this call from God, I didn’t see how I could follow through. I am absolutely terrified. I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t been eating. Everyday has been so painful. I know this is His way of telling me it’s time. I can’t be my most authentic self without accepting who I really am. I can’t enter fully into relationships with others without accepting myself. I will never find true love living behind a mask.
I have such a wonderful life. God has blessed with the best family in the world. I have parents who love me unconditionally and always put me before themselves. I have siblings who offer two of the best role models anyone could ask for. I have been able to travel the world with you guys and to awe in the beauty of God’s creation. I have been able to attend one of the best schools in the country. I have been able to sing in a choir full of people who remind me what heaven will be like every time they open their mouths. The list could go on and on. Needless to say, God has given me so much.
For the longest time, however, it has felt like God left me alone on this journey of self-discovery. I’ve never felt more alone in my life than in the times I wanted so desperately to tell someone how I felt, but didn’t know where I could turn. I knew I could probably tell my friends from home, and they would accept me and love me despite it all, but I knew that wouldn’t offer the help I needed. It’s one thing to be gay, but it’s another to be gay and Catholic. Without faith, my friends wouldn’t have been able to fully understand this struggle. They wouldn’t understand why it makes me physically ill to think that the Catholic Church wouldn’t accept my marrying the person I love. They wouldn’t understand why I cry when I realize I won’t have the chance to get married in the Basilica. They just wouldn’t understand. Nobody would. At least nobody in my life.
Just when I thought the blessings were over, God continued to surprise me. While I was abroad in London last semester, a new student joined the choir. Everyone back home kept telling me about him. They would get excited to share with me how similar we both are and how we seem to exude the same joy for life. It wasn’t until this semester, though, that I met him.
Turns out this new choir member would become one of the biggest blessings in my life. For many years, I have been silent. For many years, I have lied. For may years, I haven’t been me. He has changed my life.
I have never in my life felt so closely connected with someone. The more and more we kept talking, the more it became clear that something was happening. Last Saturday, I spent the day with him. We went out to dinner, visited the chocolate factory, and strolled along the river walk downtown. I was so happy to be with him — happy to hold his hand, happy sit close on a chilly fall evening, and happy to share my thoughts with him. Finally, there was someone who would understand, someone who knew what it is like to live as a gay Catholic, and someone who had been doing it for years. I knew I could finally tell someone.
That night, I told him the truth. I let him know the real me. We talked for hours and hours, and he answered all of my questions, calmed my anxieties, and alleviated my fears. What a surreal feeling it was to finally have someone to talk to. I knew my life would never be the same, but all for the better.
I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve him. God has given him to me to make my life whole. I finally feel like I’m ready for people to know, and I couldn’t be more thankful to have God, and him, by my side.
I’d like to say I can’t, but I think I can imagine all that you must be thinking and feeling right now. The hardest part of this whole process is this very moment. The hardest part is telling you, my parents, whom I love so much. I don’t want either of you to see me any differently. I don’t want either of you to be sad, or angry, or worried. I don’t want to lose two of my best friends. I just want you to know all of me. I want to be honest and open with you both all the time. I don’t want to hide such a big part of myself. Most importantly, I don’t want this to break your heart. Yes, as I mentioned before, this means a lot of changes. This means things wont be so easy for me. This means not everyone will accept me. But this also means that I get to be happy.
I’m done waking up every morning not knowing if I will find happiness. I’m done losing sleep night after night over this. I’m done thinking of all of the possible ways in which this could upset you. I’m done thinking of how you might respond, or what you might say. I’m done, because I’m ready. I’m ready to have this conversation. I’m ready to accept myself. I’m ready to grow closer to you, to God, and to my peers. I’m ready to live a fulfilling life.
While I’m ready, I’m sure you’re not. Saying that this is a lot to take in would be a huge understatement. I know how hard this will be on you all, and again, that’s why this has been such a struggle. I know you will need time to think about it all. Time to ask yourself questions. Time to talk to God. And hopefully, it will eventually be time to talk to me. I have been debating for the longest time how I would tell you. For a while, I wanted to wait to do it in person. I wanted you to hear this all from me, face-to-face. However, if I’m honest with myself, I don’t think that I would have been able to. I know that it is very possible that I would never find the words to tell you in person. I also wanted to do it this way so that I could get all of my thoughts out. There is a lot to say, and I knew those thoughts wouldn’t have all come to me in person. With that being said, however, I do want to talk about it with you all in person. I have been so excited for you guys to come visit me next weekend, and I still am. But now, I hope that you will have time to process this before we come together. I hope that you will have time to understand me. I hope that you will have time to talk to God. I hope that you will have time to realize that I’m still your son. I’m still your baby. I’m still the same Ryan. I’ll still want to come home and lay on the couch while you both fall asleep with HGTV on. I’ll still want to get in family arguments over the game, catchphrase. I’ll still want to come to Church with you. I’ll still want to pray with you. I’ll still want to be the man of God that you both raised.
Again, I love you both more than you will ever know, and I look forward to growing closer together now that there are no secrets. This is me.
Love,
Ryan
~~~
This is the letter that I sent to my parents on October 4th, 2016. Except for the elimination of a few names, I haven’t touched it since. Just opening the letter on my computer sent chills down my spine and caused a tightness in my chest. Now, over a year later, I can still feel exactly how it felt hitting send on that chilly fall day. I knew at that moment that my life had forever changed, but I had no idea just how wonderful those changes would be. I am so incredibly blessed to be writing this post today knowing that once I’m finished, I’ll get to run downstairs and join my family for a wonderful and loving Thanksgiving celebration.
I certainly have a lot to be thankful for. I am so incredibly thankful for my parents and my siblings who have shown me nothing but love and support throughout this experience. I am thankful for my friends who didn’t judge, but instead loved me even more. I am so thankful for the “him” I met in choir. How amazing life can be when you know and feel true love and companionship.
Unfortunately, I know too well that this is not the typical coming out experience. I know how much my family and friends support has transformed my life and shown me the abundance of God’s blessings. I can’t imagine how drastically different and far more difficult it would have been without them standing by my side. However, I do believe and know that my biggest supporter is and was God.
Before coming out, He was the one I clung to. In times of isolation and utter desperation, He was there to hear my cries. He was there to listen to me when I felt I had no one else to turn to. He was there to give me hope. Now on the other side of things, I know He is still there. Without God, none of this would have been possible.
If you’re struggling, whether or not you have the support system like I have, I urge you to cling to Him. Even if it feels like nobody is there to listen, just talk. In my darkest moments before coming out, I would often find myself angry and at a loss for words. Many times, I didn’t even want to make the effort to reach out to God. However, with the little faith I could muster up in those moments, I’d simply repeat, “Jesus, I trust in You. Jesus, I trust in You. Jesus, I trust in You.” What a relief it was to, in a way, surrender my troubles and fears and blindly trust that God would somehow, someway, and someday take care of me. Still today, I find myself repeating these words over and over again, reminding myself of the amazing gift that can come from placing your trust in God.
Dishes are clinking downstairs and I can now smell the mouthwatering aroma of my mom’s gravy wafting throughout the house. Time to head down and join my family for a wonderful Thanksgiving feast. I can only hope and pray that more and more people can have Thanksgivings like this one, full of thanks and gratitude to our God for His abundant blessings.
Now full of endless words of thanks and praise, I am reminded that it all began with just five:
Jesus, I trust in You.
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