Are You Enduring While Those Who Hurt You Are Thriving?
You are shortchanging yourself, badly
Igbo Proverb: Nke onye riri ka obu
Loose English Translation: what you have eaten is what you carry.
The above proverb comes to my mind these days whenever I think of the many days I overstayed in an abusive relationship — what you have eaten, experienced, and enjoyed — is yours. Not what you wish you had eaten, experienced, enjoyed, whatever.
In my past abusive relationship have I been insulted? I had got that in abundance. Disrespected? I got served those hotter than my meals. Controlled? I was handled like the TV remote and played better than the violin in the paws of a cat. Did I take any of those as my cue to leave? Of course not. Day by day, I stayed, hoping that the abuse was just a phase. Even if it was a phase? What did it matter?
I remember one day, I tried to talk to my abusive ex about the woman he was cheating on me with and he said, “Go away. Your voice is irritating me”.
Was I pained? Yes but, what was more important to me at that moment? Shame because he had said it within the earshot of his relative. Not the disrespect but that someone overheard.
What in the world was going on through my head that kept me thinking that this human was someday going to repent and love me right? Even if he would, how was any of that right for me?
If you are in an abusive relationship or you suspect you are in one, think again about that Igbo proverb- what you eat is what you carry. In abusive relationships, abusers endure while their abuser thrive.
My abusive ex was in clubs living it up. He was in every fun lounge. He was lying on nice beaches and shopping whatever he pleased. On the other hand, what was I doing? Crying, praying, complaining, staying bitter, sad, feeling humiliated, ashamed, and marinating in mostly negative emotions. Side by side, my ex was thriving while I was enduring.
You cannot get back the years, whether you endured it or you thrived in them. I look back at all those years. All the wasted time. All the energy spent mourning life and for what? Nothing. There is no prize at the end of all those (wasted) years.
What you eat is what you carry. Never forget this. In the same years of my mourning, my ex made so many experiences for himself. He will not put those years in the negative column like I am. Toxic for me, yeah. Traumatic for me, you bet. But for him--thrived. Huge difference.
Just one choice would have made the difference for me — I should have left earlier, or gone out to make positive experiences.
Ladies and gentlemen, we only live once. Once. Go and thrive in the years you have left because all you have when it is over is, what you ate and no prize exists at the end of self-inflicted martyrdom.
Thank you so much for reading.
