I Want to Create a Cult of Chocolate Worshipers
And I’ll call it the Church of Chocolatology
This post is a response to a prompt from Ruby Noir 😈: create your own cult. I quoted it at the end. Thank you for the prompt!
I am atheist.
So I’m definitely one of the last people on Earth who wants to start a cult. I said it in a previous post: no religion for me, thanks.
Unless it’s chocolate.
I am a worshiper of chocolate. Chocolate is magical: it’s full of magnesium, it’s an antioxidant food, it reduces stress levels and it’s tasty.
As I said in that previous post, the cult I wish to create is about worshiping chocolate. I call it the Church of Chocolatology.
The end goal is simple: eat chocolate.
As the creator of the cult, I proclaim myself the Great Messiah of Chocolatology.
As any messiah, I need apostles.
My apostles should be the first who joined my cult. That is to say, the ones who reacted the first time I wrote about it.
So my Apostles are: Ruby Noir 😈, Tannille ⭐️, CarolF, Britt H.
I can already hear their ecstatic reactions to these news:
Two years of writing on Medium, and now I am an Apostle! Well, it was really worth it!
My four Apostles are exceptional writers, thus I’m sure they will write amazing Gospels. Thank you Apostles, and don’t thank me for the honor I have bestowed on you. You’re welcome!
With those four Gospels I constitute the Testament of Chocolatology.
Now that I named my Apostles and that they have been tasked with writing the Gospels, I need to clarify the practical aspects. How exactly do you join?
You need to be baptized to join the Church of Chocolatology.
And to be baptized, you have to take a bath in liquid chocolate.
You must also confess your sins to be a good worshiper. The rules are simple. If you have sinned, you must eat chocolate as punishment. If you have not sinned, you eat chocolate as a reward.
Worship is about eating chocolate, so you eat chocolate.
And I mean real chocolate. White chocolate is not real chocolate, so it’s prohibited.
If you like white chocolate, then I must exorcize you.
No need for latin incantations. I’m not even sure chocolate existed by then.
To exorcize you, I need a piece of white chocolate, a piece of true chocolate and cocoa powder. I’ll take something fairly pure, like Van Houten cocoa powder.
I will place each piece of chocolate in front of you. Every time you choose white instead of real, I spray cocoa powder on your face.
You see? It’s simple. Cocoa powder. Your face.
I can guarantee that you won’t go near white chocolate after that.
Yet I can be tolerant. If you are not part of my Church, you may like white chocolate. That’s okay.
I don’t do crusades.
I tolerate other religions. So do my followers.
We won’t wage war against members of the church of the sugary buttery weird white stuff.
People are allowed to make mistakes. They are allowed to choose the wrong cult. No need to kill them for that.
We will think of them during mass, praying that they will become aware of the gravity of their perdition.
Speaking of the mass, it is a celebration of chocolate.
A Chocolatology mass is a communion.
It can start by reading a part of the Testament. Besides I hope my Apostles are working on it right now.
No need to read it for too long. The purpose is not to make it as boring as a Christian service.
The best part of mass is when people drink hot chocolate and eat pieces of chocolate. They can even drink chocolate coffee, that’s fine.
Once everyone is happy and has had enough of the chocolate, the mass is over.
Any true chocolate lover is welcome to my Church of Chocolatology. If you are interested, let me know in the comments.
I’m not asking for your money. It’s not about money.
It’s about eating chocolate. Real chocolate!
The prompt: You all know by know that I’m an atheist and I’m very anti-religion. That said… I think it would be interesting (and fun) to design your own cult.
I would like you to be detailed. What does you cult worship — what is it centered around — what is the end goal?
It doesn’t have to be religious (it can be but we’re very close to my birthday so tread lightly) and it definitely doesn’t have to be deadly (it can be but warn the Medium police of your fictitious intentions), it can be anything you want.
Who would NOT allow to join? How would you choose your followers? How would you lure them? What would not be tolerated and get someone thrown out? Go nuts. Cults are fascinating and I’m letting you design and lead one.
And the previous post where I wrote a few lines about creating the Church of Chocolatology:
Also, an awesome publication:
