My Gracious Life
When everything is falling into place I'm aware of how gracious life is to me. All those times I feared the worst outcomes and all those times I never believed anything good could happen to me were meaningless in the end.
I spent countless days under my own extreme expectations of doing something right. I was tired of being wrong. I was constantly stressed and eventually spent years one medical issue after another. I was beginning to think that even my golden years were going to be spent suffering.
Most of my life I was led to believe I was hopeless. Words from my foster mother and teachers were harsh and cruel to my weakened spirit. The harder I tried to please people, the less I felt about my own self esteem because something would go wrong.
What I learned as I was growing up was that I could depend on no one and my prayers to God went unheard. My thoughts of isolation and alienation were well fortified.
All it took to go over the edge was a cheating husband to destroy my ideals of how I could have a loving family for my own children to prevent them from having the same fate as myself.
I built walls around myself. I entombed the past, the pain, the heartache. I grew deep scars on my heart and laughed at the meaning of the word love. It meant nothing to me.
My youth was nothing to anyone so it makes sense I could make terrible decisions. I stopped caring if I woke up the next day. It saddens me that there is such cruelty in the world.
And then I see a glimpse of kindness and soulful eyes. I see wrinkles where I laughed a lot. I see my reflection as that of goodness and kindness despite where I came from.
Despite all the complaints and control issues, I see the person who was always motivated to do the right things. I see the soul who still strives to be helpful even when it hurts. I see the love I have for animals grow reaching further and further into my own heart.
I may die any time now because I'm done suffering the chaos of this world. I am who I was meant to be. I'm aware of this gracious life I have today and feel blessed.
Nothing is up to me except to continue loving myself as much as I love my husband, my family, my dog and the animals!
Thank you for reading! I want others to know that there is hope and continue to find love in yourself! No need to push the self destruct button like I did for many years.
