“As the Racquet Spins”
The Newsletter of the Snooty Racquet Club
Welcome back for the fall season! New uniforms have been ordered for the Snooty Racquet Club (SRC) ladies’ traveling teams. It has been decided by a vote that all the teams shall wear the designated uniforms to all matches so as to distinguish SRC’s players from the opponents.
The club has also requested the aquamarine uniforms with matching warm-up suits only be worn in appropriate shops, cafes, etc. before and after matches (no appearances at Sam’s Club, Costco, Lo-Bills, K-Mart, or consignment shops will be tolerated).
Skirts are available in sizes 2–8; tops are sized 36C and above.
Liposuction and breast augmentation referrals will be provided at the team’s first practice.
Suitable accessories are advised to reflect SRC’s standards. Diamond earrings must be at least one carat each. Tennis bracelets purchased from overpriced local jewelers are approved (no Service Merchandise ware). Cell phones should have a Coach carrying case or equivalent.
SRC’s pro shop has an array of products and services to enhance your appearance on the tennis court. See Muffy for details about tanning beds; Botox and collagen injections; Wegovy and Latisse prescriptions; and varicose vein treatments.
Our legs need to be top-notch when displayed in our short-short tennis skirts. Frequent waxing is fundamental to our exquisite presentation. Pick up your complimentary box of kleenex to take to waxing appointments. The hair removal department is located to the left of the wrist band exhibit and is full-service for all your needs from chin hair to down there.
Our “doc-in-a-box” has an office conveniently located behind the sports bra display in the pro shop. Take your time to peruse. Anti-depressants are on sale this month. Come get diagnosed!
We will have seminars monthly to help you choose the best options for you. Remember: Bring your doubles partner and get half off laser resurfacing this month!
REVIEW OF POLICIES FOR NEW & RETURNING PLAYERS:
- Carpooling etiquette to “away” matches is to be strictly enforced — SUVs are suitable (Acura, Lexus, Mercedes, BMW — no Honda’s or Toyota’s, please). A Tesla is always a fun choice; however, NO sedans. Vanity plates are preferred.
- Evian bottled water is allowed on courts. Reusing Evian bottles by filling them with tap water is discouraged. Show your team spirit! Let our opponents hear the seal snap!
- A broken nail does not warrant an injury time-out and save your excessive primping for the break time in between sets. Please be aware that not all racquet clubs provide make-up mirrors on the court as SRC does. Discreet lipstick application is sanctioned on the odd game change-overs.
- All children and pets should be stowed in the proper locations while matches are taking place.
