Shattered Because Of The Person I Did Not Become
Not For The Faint Of Heart
“Life, I’ve learned, is never fair. If people teach anything in school, that should be it.” Nicholas Sparks
“It may be unfair, but what happens in a few days, sometimes even a single day, can change the course of a whole lifetime…” Khaled Hosseini
My stomach is already turning at the thought of writing this story. It will be very difficult to write, but I am hoping it will be cathartic.
I will start by talking about the life I imagined I would have. Since I was a little girl, I have loved babies. I had a wonderful childhood in a happy home with my brother and my parents.
It’s no wonder that I always wanted to emulate my parents and have a family of my own. I dreamt of meeting a kind sincere man and starting a family. I so desperately wanted to be a mother. I wanted at least two children. I thought this might happen in my mid to late 20s. It did not.
My biggest heartache and regret in life is not having children. I try not to dwell on it because the emotional pain is too much to bear.
There are many reasons why I am not the person I hoped to become.
The biggest one is my health, specifically my severe back problems. I first had back problems when I was 14. I somehow hurt by back and I could not move at all. It was very scary. Around that time I was diagnosed with mild scoliosis, which is a curvature of the spine. Mine was “C” shaped.
I continued to hurt my back in high school and a few times in college. In my senior year, I took exams flat on my back in my dorm room. I survived that time because I had two friends who were nurses and they would massage my back with my best friend, Bengay. I ultimately left school for a few weeks to get treatment and recuperate.
A college friend and I had discussed moving to Florida together, but it was not an option due to the severity of my back problems.
I couldn’t work right after college because of my back. I started to work about a year and a half after graduation. I had some really good jobs that utilized my writing skills.
One was at a well-known prep school. I loved what the job entailed but my boss was crazy. She did not like me because I was too wholesome. She used the eff word every time she opened her mouth. I wrote brochures, newsletters, and letters to alumni and the board of trustees.
There was a secretary who never lifted a finger to help me. It became untenable to stay there and I had to quit for my sanity. I received a phone call from the headmaster later and it turned out my boss was taking credit for everything I wrote.
A year later while working at another job, I hurt my back. I have no idea how. I was going to work for three months with a sore back and numb legs. I finally went to see a doctor. I had a bilateral herniated disc. I had conservative treatment for two years and then my disc fragmented. This disc was situated right in my “C” curve.
I had no choice but to have surgery. It did not work and gave me no relief. I still had back pain and pain down both legs and into my toes. It was failed back surgery and I had to go on permanent disability at the age of 28.
I became very depressed due to the pain and everything that I couldn’t do. I then was diagnosed with one new illness after another.
A few months before my surgery, I was writing features for the local newspaper and met someone I interviewed. He was crazy about me and treated me like a queen. I had asked him if he would be interested in adopting. He said yes.
Ultimately, I realized that I didn’t feel the same way about him. I was sad but I knew I had to break up with him. I didn’t think it was fair to continue dating him knowing that he wasn’t the one for me. We had nothing in common, and he wasn’t a conversationalist.
Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice. I think it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. I would have had my family with him, but my heart wouldn’t have been in it.
I was depressed for years and years because of my health issues. I never went anywhere and didn’t have the chance to meet other guys.
I did meet one guy through a personal ad and we got along swimmingly. He ordered champagne every time we went out to dinner. We laughed and got along so well. Unfortunately, he was very sick and I was afraid to get too close to him. We were perfect together. I learned a few years later that he died at the age of 55. He also loved children.
I felt like my life was just full of suffering. None of my friends had any health problems and here I was with several. I was unable to do even the simplest things.
I was blessed with the best mother I could ask for. Unfortunately, my father died when I was thirty. He was only 62. My mother was devastated and I thought she would never recover.
I did some freelance work after my surgery and wrote a chapter in the third book of the Internet For Dummies books. I was very proud of myself and it did boost my self-esteem.
I had hoped for a life with kids and family. I had no idea I would be disabled and unable to do much of anything, especially at such a young age.
My friends are happier than I am and go on vacations and spend time with their families. I don’t think they realize how fortunate they are to have their health as well as their families.
Don’t get me wrong, I do have a wonderful brother who is the best. We talk daily and he is always looking out for me. He does live in another state and I don’t see him that often. He is coming next month for a visit.
Since joining Medium, my life has improved. I am writing daily and it brings me great joy. I enjoy the community and the friends I have made here.
However, that cannot make up for the fact that I never had a family of my own. Sweet babies to love and cuddle. I guess that was not meant to be.
Why, is beyond me.
This story was inspired by @Ruby Noir’s writing prompt: Write about the person you did not become.
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