The Illusion of Change in Relationships
No person can be changed by someone else
No person can be changed by someone else; we accept and love them as they are, or we don’t. Trying to change someone to suit yourself is unnatural and at least selfish. The reality is that everyone is who they are, including ourselves.
If you’re wondering how to have the right partner by your side, the solution is to choose the right person from the beginning, rather than trying to change them later. Choose the person who wants to go in the same direction as you and shares the same values and beliefs emotionally, physically, economically, and spiritually.
Before concluding whether a partner is suitable or not, it is necessary to activate your state of curiosity and observation. The need to change a partner comes from the need to receive something from them, but it is at least selfish to ask a person to change to meet your needs.
Your needs are yours and only you can satisfy them. Thus, a person who wants to change other lives has two illusions: that they can change the other and that someone is responsible for meeting their needs because they cannot fulfill them themselves. That person is a victim of their own needs.
A person changes only if they want to, and this need comes from within them. Most problems and misunderstandings in a couple come from the fact that we didn’t allow ourselves to truly know the other as they are and we jumped into a relationship with our projection of the partner. When we start to see the other as they are and we don’t like it, we begin the process of “improvement.”
We have no right to change anyone ever, and the partner has no right to ask us to change or to be different than we are. Each of us wants to feel appreciated, loved, and supported, and certainly not to be someone’s improvement project.
One of the common reasons a person enters a dysfunctional relationship is the need to save the other. Whether they have a harmful vice or an extreme hobby, the other partner enters the relationship to be the savior. The relationship becomes a project and must be completed successfully.
A healthy relationship means two individuals who are emotionally healthy and also authentic.
You must understand that it is up to you to make yourself happy, it is NOT your partner’s job. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do nice things for each other or that your partner can’t make you happy. I’m just saying you shouldn’t make it your partner’s responsibility to “make you happy.” It is not their responsibility; it is your responsibility to make yourself happy, and then together, you can bring happiness into the relationship.
A relationship based on sacrifices cannot be sustained and will eventually become harmful to both partners. The happiness of a relationship is composed of the sum of the individual happiness of the partners.
