A Guardian Angel Stopped Me from Committing Suicide
While hospitalized with Postpartum Psychosis ten years ago I felt like I was better off dead.
I had it all planned out I was going to run down a flight of stairs and out the door and throw myself in front of a bus. As I sat on a mental hospital bed hearing the screams of a mother saying, my baby !!! he is gone. She yelled out in Spanish and the pain in her voice made me shake. It’s 2011 and I don’t remember the last time I ate or slept. I didn’t even know what date it was. All I knew was that I needed my son and dreamt of him and me on a beach together laughing and having fun, but my 5-month-old was not with me.
I grabbed a notebook and started to write. Nurses kept trying to give me medication, but I didn’t trust them I didn’t trust anyone. They just want to hurt me is what I kept thinking.
In my mind, everyone wanted to control me so they can take my son. I lost the battle I gave him to his father because I felt unworthy of him and unworthy of love. I was drowning in self petty and had thoughts of what his life would be like without me. Maybe his father’s mom will love him more than me since she was so controlling and overbearing with him. She can give him more love because she thinks I can’t do anything right. I never did anything right in my son’s grandmothers’ eyes. I was a complete failure of a…
