Don’t Try
The Backwards Law
Let’s start with the story of Charles.
Charles Bukowski was a chronic gambler, an alcoholic, a womanizer, a deadbeat, and on his worst days, a poet.
Bukowski wanted to be a writer, but for decades his work was rejected by almost every magazine and newspaper. He had a day job at a post office. He made shit money and spent most of it on booze. Bukowski was 50, after a lifetime of failure and self-loathing an editor at a small publishing house took interest in him. Bukowski wrote back to the editor “ I have one of two choices- Stay in the post office and go crazy or stay out here and play at writer and starve.
I have decided to starve.
In Bukowski’s first novel, the dedication read is dedicated to nobody. He then went on to become a huge success. His popularity defied everyone’s expectations particularly his own. He published 6 novels and hundreds of poems selling over 2 million copies.
Bukowski’s life is practically a movie waiting to happen.
We all see stories like his and say, See he never gave up, he kept persisting and he never stopped trying. It is then strange that on Bukowski’s tombstone, the epitaph reads: “Don’t try” and why is that? You see the genius in his work was not overcoming all odds.
It was the opposite. He could be unflinchingly honest with himself- especially his worst parts- and share his failings without hesitation or doubt.
Bukowski’s success lies in his comfort with himself as a failure. Even after his fame, he showed up hammered to poverty reading and verbally abused people in the audience. Fame and success didn’t make him a better person nor was it by becoming a better person that he became famous and successful.
This brings me to what philosopher Alan Watts used to refer to as the “backward law” which states: The more you pursue feeling better all the time, the less satisfied you become. Pursuing something means you lack it in the first place. The more desperately you want to be rich the poorer you feel, regardless of how much money you make. The more desperately you want to be sexy the uglier to come to see yourself regardless of your physical experience.
Ever notice sometimes when you care less about something, you do better at it?
Notice how when you stop giving a fuck, everything seems to fall into place? What’s with that? That is the backward Law.
Mark Manson talks about this in his book: The subtle art of not giving a fuck.
You see, the backward law is called “backward” for a reason, not giving a fuck works in reverse.
The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.
If pursuing the positive is a negative, then pursuing the negative generates the positive.
For example:
The pain you experience in the gym results in better health. The failures in business lead to a better understanding of what is necessary to be successful. Being open with your insecurities paradoxically makes you more confident and charming around others.
On the other hand, what you resist persists.
Hiding what is shameful is a form of shame.
The avoidance of struggle is a struggle.
The denial of failure is a failure. All this to repeat something trite. The magic to seek is in things you avoid.
And to re-emphasize what I frequently say.
Acceptance > Resistance, my friend.
Being detached from the outcomes helps you enjoy the process.
And sometimes saying FUCK IT, DOES IT.
