For Those Who Find It Impossible to Connect with the World.
Learning to be open by defeating social anxiety.
My heart would beat faster when I try to have conversations with someone I just met and I would prefer to stay indoors than attend a party or visit friends. Call it social anxiety and I’ll tell you it’s merely introversion.
But I know better now.
I remember I had an interview once and showed up with my wedding ring on the wrong finger. Guess what? I wore the ring in front of a mirror and I was half-conscious of what I was doing but was so nervous I forgot the right finger to place the wedding ring. Would you imagine that?
Rukky (not her real name) is a friend who tends to be withdrawn in the company of people.
When she’s spoken to however, and comfortable enough in that same group, she erupts delightfully and suddenly becomes vocal in a variety of subjects until she trails off again in self-judgment for something she said that felt stupid.
This then leads to a long spell of self-condemnation and withdrawal from others. Does this sound familiar?
Everyone wants to connect with people around them, live a happy life and build great relationships. Even the self-sufficient person achieves much more with help than alone.
But it is frustrating to try so hard yet you’re unable to speak or connect with the world around you.
in case you don’t already know
What’s social anxiety?
Social anxiety is a mental health condition characterized by persistent fear of social situations.
People with it feel nervous or embarrassed in situations where they may be the center of attention such as meeting new people or eating in public.
Social anxiety can be caused by any of the following:
- Fear or worry of being judged.
- Fear or worry of being criticized.
- Fear or worry of being rejected.
- Fear of failure.
- A traumatic experience.
It’s a crippling condition that many try to dismiss as introversion o shyness.
Social Anxiety is not introversion or Shyness
Never dismiss social anxiety as introversion or shyness. These are three different phenomena and I can help you identify them.
Introversion is a personality trait characterized by a preference for reduced social interactions. Introverted people feel more energized when alone or in small groups. This is not a disorder but merely a natural preference.
Shyness is a feeling of timidity or nervousness in social situations. Shyness is a feeling that can be overcome with practice but not a disorder.
Social anxiety, however, is a disorder characterized by intense fear or anxiety in social situations which can interfere with daily activities and relationships.
When intense fear or anxiety starts to pull you away from social situations and interfere with daily activities, it is not introversion or shyness, it’s a social anxiety disorder.
Back to the examples I gave at the beginning of this article. At the first, I would be so nervous my heart starts to beat so fast; I end up not talking at all to that person or stuttering terribly. I wore my ring wrongly for so long that the interviewer had to bring it to my notice. I felt so embarrassed. Then Rukky was so afraid to make a mistake that so many never even noticed that she would be so withdrawn and get emotional when you try to talk her out of it.
These were all cases of crippling anxiety that interfered with our daily lives.
Today, I’m on the path to full recovery and that’s why I can write so much about this. Some things I did, helped me cope at the early stages of my recovery and I’ll share those tips with you.
How to cope with social anxiety
These steps can be difficult to follow and harder in the heat of things but doing as much as one of these things can make a whole world of difference and help you cope.
1. Practice relaxation
When anxiety hits you hard, taking a moment to breathe can be mighty helpful. Inhale big gulps of air and listen as you exhale. Do this with your mind clear of every thought and for short intervals until you are a bit calm.
2. Dispel negativity
Negative thoughts sometimes empower our social anxiety. The thought that you suck at making conversations or that you’re generally a loser can make any attempt to socialize more difficult. It is what you think of yourself and you can change it. You should change your thoughts to something more empowering than depressing.
3. Take things one step at a time but make sure you keep going
When I am supposed to be at a wedding party but I find myself refusing to attend, I just agree with my mind that I won’t go but I just need to take a bath. After taking a bath, I just need to check out how I’d look. Usually, it works until this point *smiling shamelessly* but I tell myself it wouldn’t hurt to just check it out since I’m already dressed or I just sit down and watch TV for the rest of the day in those clothes.
Taking things one step at a time or one word at a time can reduce what you have to deal with per time. This helps you cope with what you can handle as you progress.
4. Open up to kindness
One of the biggest gifts I got during my days of deep social anxiety was the love of my friends. I often look back at those times now and regret those gestures of love I dismissed and wish I could take them all back. You might not notice it soon enough but little acts of kindness such as an affirmation from a friend that you are smart, intelligent, or unique in the middle of a self-condemning thought can go a long way to help you cope with social anxiety.
Recently, Rukky called me and narrated how she had a little incident and was surprised to see how much people loved her. This instantly had a positive impact on how she viewed herself. She made a promise to see and only hear what helps her and I can’t wait to see how she develops from here.
Photo by Andrew Thornebrooke on Unsplash
On the road to full recovery
I have seen the benefits of facing my social anxiety head on and they are immense. So massive that I can’t wait to be totally free from it. My conversations are better, I am enjoying expressing myself more and I went as far as dancing and dressing up as a lady at a party once (those videos will never go viral) which I strangely found fun.
Hey! Wipe those images off your head, I mean it.
I feel like I can take on more challenges in my life and there’s so much about the world I dream of exploring. The steps below are what I use now to reach my target
- I set goals; small successes help me build confidence.
- I try to focus on now because living in the present reduces my anxiety and is much more enjoyable than wasting hours thinking about the future.
- I embrace imperfection; I know I can’t be all I want to be at once but until then I understand that I have to equally embrace my weaknesses as much as my strengths.
Social anxiety is a common condition that can be challenging to cope with but recovery is possible. With the right approach, treatment and support, you can manage the symptoms and still live a fulfilling life.
It’s possible, I’m doing it.
