How Easy and Hard it Is To Say “I Love You”
Several years ago, I was in a brief relationship with someone who said they loved me about two weeks in, and I replied with, “No, you don’t”. I was caught by surprise, and my reply was instinctive.
They seemed confused, and I explained that there was no way they could love me yet, because they barely knew me and were likely enamored with the idea of romance, especially considering how young and inexperienced we both were. Was I wrong? I don’t think so. But goodness gracious, that was a tad odd of me, wasn’t it? To analyse someone’s emotions after such a confession?
Thinking about it now, I think they might have loved me, but we had different definitions of love. I was certain I did not love them yet because my definition of love requires more time and stability to bloom, but perhaps their requirements for love were met easily.
They trusted their passion enough to call it love, while love required, and still requires, certainty for me.
I have said “I love you” to a total of four romantic partners in my life, which surprises me given I have only had one relationship last longer than four months. Still, in every one of these instances, the other person said it first.
Is the answer in the stars? I am an Aquarius, while they were a Scorpio, a Leo, a Libra, and now, a Cancer.
Could it be their gender or sexuality? There were men and women, cis and trans, bi, pan, and straight individuals in the mix. A more diverse array of identities than a lot of psychology studies out there, but not where the answer lies.
My struggle with saying those three words was never just romantic either.
When my sister and I were children, my mother would always say she loved us whenever we were heading out to catch the school bus. My sister always said, “I love you,” back, while I replied with a solid goodbye. I was briefly filled with shame for not saying it back. I have no doubt that I love my mother, but inertia got the best of me. I continued to not say it, and it would have felt awkward if I suddenly started to.
My discomfort with saying “I love you” started melting away with my current partner. I recall we were on a hike, facing a gorgeous view of mountains and sky, when they said something in the lines of “I really want to say something…” From the context, their next words were strongly implied, so I encouraged them to let them out. When they did, I assured them that I “really, really liked them”, and that I just needed a little more time to say it back.
The thing is, once you say “I love you”, there is no turning back. I mean, of course, people split up and fall out of love, but there is no turning back while still in a happy relationship. There is no “Hey, remember I said that? Sorry, I analysed my feelings last night and I realized I don’t mean it”. So, I told my partner “You are a very loveable person and I know that I will feel that way towards you eventually, and when I feel certain of it, I will say it, too.”
It’s funny to think that, before ever dating, I thought it would take me at least a year to say “I love you” to a romantic partner. Back then, I had not accounted for how emotional and stupid romance makes us. About a month after my partner’s initial confession, I could not hold it in any longer. I told them I loved them on a random, uneventful day at home. It was not as special as a beautiful hike, but my heart chose the timing for me.
Now, we exchange those words multiple times a day. We wake up to these confessions, fall asleep to them, and live our lives full of exchanged “I love yous”. My partner’s ease with saying those words no longer scare me, and it could be because this is the longest relationship I have ever been in, but that would be a lie — I have had family ties and friendships that are much longer and that also involve those words, but they did not have the same effect on how often I said them.
Regardless of why it happened, my partner’s openness to expressing affection through “I love yous” has improved my comfort with saying that in my other relationships, too. I try to say it to my friends more often, and when my parents bid me farewell with “I love you”, I know I have outgrown that child of empty replies, and I say “I love you” right back at them.