I Asked Men On Tinder What They Want To Read In A Sex-Book
I recently took to Tinder to ask heterosexual men what they would want to read in a sex book. To my surprise, a lot of men had a lot to say on the topic!
I started this project in March 2020, the Covid-19 pandemic was spreading all over the world and more and more countries were preparing for shutting down public life to protect their citizens. The first lockdown came and people suddenly had a lot of free time at hand. And so did I.
Solidarity amongst people was big at that difficult time and many companies offered their services for free. Tinder also had a goodie in stock: Temporarily free use of their “global mode”, where you can set your location anywhere in the world. I had been playing with the idea of writing a book about sexuality for a while — now seemed like the perfect time to do some research about it.
I reactivated my Tinder profile and explained my agenda in the description:
I am writing a book about sex and want to get some inputs from men. What you think, what you would like to read in a sex book, what questions you have, what you like, dislike…anything you want to tell me. Feel free to reach out.
I swiped right without any restrictions because I wanted to get insights from as many different people as possible. And the response I got was overwhelming.
I didn’t think that so many men would be open to talking about sex in such an honest and vulnerable way to a stranger on an app. Maybe you now think what I had originally thought: “They’ll probably take this as an invitation for sex and will try to make a move”.
Yeah, some of them tried — but that was really the minority. Most men of all ages and backgrounds showed genuine interest in my project and wanted to help. What I thought would be a quick and easy conversation turned out to be hours of back-and-forth banter on what they would want to read in a sex book.
Here are some of the most interesting responses:
(Rotate the screen of your phone to view the images better)
Personal Experiences And Realistic Sex
I soon learned that men want to hear personal stories and experiences from both men and women. They want to know what real people are doing in their sex lives. Their responses also showed me that they want to read about sex that is more realistic and relatable. They don’t want the overly dramatized sex scenes that are often portrayed in movies and TV shows.
Sex is a topic that is so overrepresented and prominent in everyday life, and yet it is something that at its core is often misunderstood. Sexuality isn’t really about performing, screaming, and hitting goals — although that’s what mainstream sexuality wants to sell us.
It is so much more than that. It is about fantasies, desires, exploration, curiosity, chemistry, and attraction. It is much more about experiencing and feeling than about performing and perceiving. And most of all — it’s about connection.
Reading through the messages I received, I realized that stereotypical assumptions I didn’t even know I was holding, such as:
“Men just care about sex” or “Men are just looking for hookups.”
suddenly seemed far from the truth — and did not do justice to what many men really seemed to care about. It’s not that they don’t care about sex — but they also care about the person they are having it with, their own emotional experience and the emotions of their sexual partner.
Female Anatomy And Tips & Tricks
Another desire many men expressed was that they want to know more about the female anatomy. Specifically, how to properly stimulate a woman and make her orgasm. They also expressed interest in wanting to read about tips and tricks on how to improve their own sex lives. They want to learn about new positions, techniques, and ways to pleasure their partner.
Many men also portrayed that they indeed think about sex and its impact on a deeper level than society often credits them for. Sexuality is not only a means for satisfaction to them, but it also is a way to explore hidden parts of themselves, unlock their fantasies, and express themselves.
Mental Health, Spirituality, And Sex
Many men said that they want to read about the benefits of sex for their overall well-being. They want to know how sex can improve their mental health, and how to use sex as a form of self-care and connection to spirituality.
They also expressed that they were eager to take action and initiative to create change. They came up with their own ideas, such as:
- Leading by example
- Initiating vulnerable conversations
- Supporting their partner in overcoming their insecurities
and at the same time were open to listening and learning.
Communication And Consent
Men also showed a desire for wanting to learn how to communicate better in the bedroom. They want to know how to express their desires and listen to their partner’s wants and needs. Many men also stated that they want to read about consent and how to properly ask for it. They want to learn how to recognize when their partner is not comfortable and how to make sure that everyone is on the same page.
Overall, men showed that they want to read about sex that is relatable, informative, and respectful. They want to learn how to improve their sex lives, while also making sure that their partner’s needs are being met.
If we want to have better relationships and sex, we need to have open conversations with our partners and create a safe space where everyone can share freely. It may not be easy in the beginning — but it is definitely worth it!
