I SPANKED MY KIDS (I WISH I HADN’T)
Ah… Confessions of a child spanker. Guess that is what this is. I have two Very Good grown sons. I love them with my whole being. I am sure they love me too. But, until they were 5 or 6 or so, I used to spank them. I’m not proud of it, and I wish I hadn’t. I had been spanked (well, a few times, I guess you’d say, beaten, as a child). But that’s not why I did it.
It’s prevalent. What are the facts? Holden reports:
A small percent (17% according to Combes-Orme & Cain, 2008) of parents hit their infants and a similar percent also hit their 17-year olds (Straus & Stewart, 1999).
Most (85%) children in the U.S. will experience it at least once (Bender et al., 2007). Some parents rarely use it (once a year or less) but others rely on it.
In fact, in a home audio-recording, we discovered that one mother hit her child every 2 hours! (Holden, Williamson, & Holland, 2014).
The frequency of hitting varies with parent education, socioeconomic status, race, religious beliefs, and age as well as the sex of parent (e.g., Berlin et al., 2009; Ellison, Musick & Holden, 2011; Gershoff, Lansford, Sexton, Davis-Kean, & Sameroff, 2012; Lee, Altschul & Gershoff, 2015).
My reason? The Jesus Freak fellowship I was involved in in the early 70s (which I now consider a fundamentalist Christian mind-control cult) taught me that it was my duty to paddle my sons. I had left that group by the time my kiddos came along, but a lot of their tapes still played in my brain. This tape said it was my duty as a loving father to smack my kids.
The theory was that children are born willful and that they need to yield their will to God. They learn to yield their will to God by having their will broken by their parents. The line was to break their will, not their spirit — whatever in the hell that meant. So, I spanked them. I had my doubts, but I was trying to obey God. “Spare the rod, spoil the child” (which, by the way, isn’t in the Bible!)
Focus on the Family is one “pseudo-psychology” institution that practices “faith-based psychology.” They still recommend that method of child-rearing. They even provide “Five Biblical Principles for Spanking.”
Surely the majority of parents probably don’t like spanking their kids. They do it believing that it is effective, probably the most effective tool to deal with certain types of misbehavior.
Or, maybe the parent is stressed out and so fed up with the child’s behavior that they just can’t take it anymore and they think that spanking will make things better for their frazzled nerves. Maybe they can’t think of a better response.
The main reason is that the parent was spanked as a child, and therefore that is the method of child discipline they had as a model. They think it did them some good, and it will be useful and good for their child. Very many parents spank their kids for religious reasons.
“But whatever the case, it’s clear that corporal punishment is a cultural phenomenon, something that people are socialized to do. Parents don’t automatically spank their children. It depends on their perceptions of what’s normal or expected (Chiocca 2017). And in most cultures, spanking isn’t expected.” (Parenting Science)
I can (personally) think of 5 very good reasons not to smack your kids. Here we go:
1. You might physically injure them.
2. You might make them angry and resentful.
3. You might teach them violence is the way to solve problems.
4. You might make them fearful and hopeless.
5. You might make them resentful.
Well, you say, it’s in the Bible. So is a whole, whole lot of nutty stuff we don’t take literally or seriously. For example:
1. If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.
2. If she gives birth to a daughter, for two weeks the woman will be unclean, as during her period. Then she must wait sixty-six days to be purified from her bleeding.
3. No one born of a forbidden marriage nor any of their descendants may enter the assembly of the Lord, not even in the tenth generation.
4. For everyone that curses his father, or his mother shall be surely put to death: he has cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.
5. No one who has been emasculated by crushing or cutting may enter the assembly of the Lord.
I could go on. The point is that the Bible (for all its good) is loaded with all kinds of silly stuff. No one in their right mind would follow it all.
Spanking kids (my psychologist self-talking now) is a really flawed idea. And it’s part of the spiritual abuse package. Children need patience, discipline, and love. Not whacking!
So, what are some good alternatives to spanking?
- Time-Out — Highly effective with little kids.
- Losing privileges — Works well with kids of all ages.
- Ignoring mild misbehavior — Why not?
- Teaching new skills — This takes time and commitment (Hey! It’s called parenting!).
- Logical consequences — For example, an angry kid breaks something. S/he has to pay for it.
- Rewards for good behavior — Worked for me!
- Praise for good behavior — Almost everyone responds to affirmation.
Maybe, most importantly, know when to get help. “If you feel your child’s behavior is out of control, establish clear household rules, create structure in the home, offer reinforcement for good behavior, and seek help from a professional if necessary.” (Kendra Cherry)
