I’ve Got Too Much On My Mind, But Just Enough In My Account
Just enough to survive
Still, I ask myself:
Why though?
The last chapter in Graeber’s book has a man chilling by the shore, enjoying the breeze. Unbothered.
Next to him is an educated guy. I think he is entrepreneurial, based on the questions he asked him. I’ll paraphrase.
Him: Why are you resting by the shore, don’t you have something to do with your life?
The Guy: What do you suggest I do?
Him: You could save some money and go to school and earn an education.
The Guy: And then what?
Him: You could then get employed or start a business, and earn profit enough to secure you future life and that of your family.
The Guy: And then what?
Him: You could then take your children to school successfully, and ensure they don’t struggle as you did.
The Guy: Then what?
Him: You could then buy a piece of land somewhere overlooking a great scenery and rest, retired and happy, enjoying your latter years in life.
The Guy looked at him as if he wasn’t enjoying it right now, seated by the shore, soaking in the breeze and the sunset.
So I still ask myself:
Why though?
Why go through all these only to have the kind of life most people enjoy while in up-country?
I have too much on my mind
One of my classmates back in high school commented on a group we’re all in:
Innocent, by now you should be having a Mercedez Benz.
I laughed. Sigh, I wish it were true.
A luo man is not a man until he has a Mercedez in his parking lot. I need to work on the parking lot first.
A parking lot is figurative. It’s the props I have to work on to sustain the nearly effortless life we all aspire to have. It’s one of the things in my mind.
Questions are a good starting point when solving problems. Often, I find myself asking:
Why do we have to do it through a formalized education system?
Eight years.
That’s how long I have stayed on campus. From 2014 to 2021. I have three degrees and a title to show it. But education and an easy life can be decoupled.
Education is an enabler, like AI in different fields, but why should we always assume the formal system is the only system?
My classmate has seen my academic success from high school. The assumption is clear — academic success should translate to life success. I should have a Mercedez Benz.
It doesn’t.
It’s one of the reasons I don’t think I want to pursue my masters degree.
But I have dependents. If I decide to just say ‘eff it!’, and quit, would that be a smart move? What is smart? Keeping a job that doesn’t satisfy your other needs, because you need the finances to ensure your dependents have it easy?
Money, in this case, will be the enabler that substitutes for a formal education. On average, education makes it easier to get money, but the other question is: why should we just do the smart thing?
Smart options are tough. Foolish decisions are expensive.
Somehow, doing the foolish thing brings a tonne of relief, but it appears the expense is widespread over time. It increases over time. Foolish decisions have compounding consequences.
Typically, institutions don’t want someone without an education. It creates a vicious cycle of:
People getting education, funneling these people into employment, reduced creativity and diversity, increased compliance to organizational demands, and increased dependence on employers, then using the salaries to take children to get the same education.
A cycle I don’t like.
Where does that leave you and your interests? To survive you have to honour your employer's interests.
Khe Hy used to have such a life, depending on a regular salary.
Until he discovered how much of his life was consumed by regular reporting to work and a commitment to the employer’s cause. He made a shift and opted out.
Just enough to sustain the vices
A friend once told me that we all have vices.
Some find you. You find others. They help numb pains, pause life's struggles, or forget its miseries.
But not vices as the bible describes them. Vices in this case are what you do to hit the pause button.
With a lot of financial outflows from multiple essential expenses, you’re only left with too much on your mind. With too little in your account.
Stressful. Frustrating. Paralyzing.
A pause helps.
For me, it’s hanging around friends in some of the evenings or with my girl. At times, I manage to have these moments. Sometimes.
But responsibility pegs you to reality. Case in point, my life before getting employed after internship.
I don’t recall ever making as many applications as I did during this period.
What’s more, there are no mentors to guide or advise on how to wade through this unemployment muck.
Most of the people with secured jobs had a previous system of recruitment. The advice they give does not comport with the present dire predicament.
Those at home believe you have been successful throughout your life, and should figure things out.
The landlord wants the rent by the 5th of every month.
You need power. A charged laptop and mobile phone for when email responses come back — mostly rejection emails — and a chance to enjoy life virtually since reality is one filled with twisting struggles.
Back home, people struggled to take you through education. Out of respect and gratitude, you aim to reciprocate. Financially, mostly.
Your pockets scrap through your savings like a hungry stray dog.
What you’re left with is too much on your mind, with just enough in your account. Progressively turning into nothing in your account and no buttons to hit pause.
Too close to the edge
Why don’t they see the quality I will add to their organization?
I’d occasionally ask myself when I got the rejection emails.
I was close to the edge.
For a long time, it puzzled me.
So I made a decision.
My solution:
If they don’t give me a job, I’ll create my own.
Once I crossed this threshold, I felt relieved.
I’d found a pause button.
The difference is you have the same degree of challenges but with a different mindset.
But to make money you have to lose money. This can take you to the closer to the edge.
Mindset is all you have.
Entrepreneurship is a jungle.
It’s like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep from going under — Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five.
Or, as Nyashinski sings:
Unafuata check sana check inakuchenga
Translation:
You chase after cheques but life doesn’t check out with your plans.
One time my problems were so much, I woke up in the middle of the night wondering how I’d hack making through the following month.
I already paid the rent, I had power, and my kitchen was stocked.
My thinking, however, is long-term. Not just how I’ll make it through tomorrow. It bothered me how I could not find a means to survive through the following month.
Enough to wake me up at 2-something a.m. With my three degrees from the leading university in East and Central Africa.
I once told Wambui, a doctor and friend, who resonated with my problems, that it had gotten to a point where I would just walk into any health facility and tell them that I’m willing to start working any time, any day.
It was bad.
Lucky for me, all those back-breaking moments applying to organizations made a tsunami of a turn.
An interview here, a call there. Eventually, I got employed.
But my mindset hasn’t changed. I quit the drug of seeking employment. I would not go back to it. Rather than think of my current workplace as a monthly means of sustenance, I think of it as a Patreon.
Patreons are your fans. Find a loyal Patreon and you’ve found a true fan. Kevin Kelly says you only need 1000 true fans. The first one is your full-time employment.
Look at it this way.
Employment is your number 1 Patreon
Employment is a regular drug.
In its absence, you have withdrawal symptoms. Nobody likes involuntarily shaking during the day when the sun is out. No one likes facing reality cold turkey.
Employment, in this sense, can be viewed in the form of a drug.
Nyashinski sings:
Niko na too much on my mind (too much, too much, too much)
Just enough in my account (just enough in my account)
Stress enough kukuwa na vices (stress enough kukuwa na vices)
I chose the employment option because I was a drowning man. I grasped for this straw.
But employment, if it’s a drug, is a vice. A pseudo pause button, which makes it worse than a vice, if there ever is such a thing.
In short, like the lines of the song, I was frustrated to the point of considering employment because it was offered to me.
If you have been surviving on some form of employment, then quit or get retrenched, then get another place offering you a similar role, you’d quickly jump at the opportunity.
The stressful interphase of unemployment is the withdrawal period. So when someone gives you the same drug you have been hooked on, you easily accept.
That’s not the kind of life I want.
Enter the idea of the Patreon.
Employment is your single and reliable Patreon, your loyal fan.
Twice or once a month, it pays you. If you have a project you’re working on, then it funds it. If you don’t have something to work on, it’s a mattress account.
No investments.
In the absence of the stress of unemployment, you can use your regular stream to fund your projects. You can then start to answer the questions that pervade your mind. Declutter the too much that’s going on in your mind.
Experiment. Observe. Decide.
There’s something I have been working on for a while.
It’s been the central focus of my investment from my number one loyal Patreon.
Once I get more Patreons, they can sustain my project. The other Patreons are the clients who are interested in the value you provide from your project.
If you have the potential to get clients, then the rewards are different. Consider your current salary. Let’s say it’s around $500.
Every month, your first loyal Patreon (your salary) gives you this much. If you start getting other Patreons, the monthly income shoots. If, say, you have 10 clients who give you $50 every month, they generate the same amount as your very first Patreon.
It doesn’t stop there. Any additional client is more revenue. The upside is unlimited.
Employment, however, is like a hidden, blinding drug. The returns are consistent. Or fairly consistent for a long time. Nassim Nicholas Taleb reiterates how it makes you fragile. Fragile enough to get withdrawals once you lose your job.
A project of your own is not just unlimited in its financial returns but can be fulfilling. If you’re working on something you are passionate about, you have the double returns of working on what you are passionate about and earning from it.
You get a fulfillment surplus.
The question you should be asking yourself when you get to such a point in life is:
Why not?
I hope I get to such a place.
Soon.
As I close…
Having too much in your mind could be an opportunity.
The difference in mindset I had changed how I viewed my unemployment phase. I know I’ll face more challenges now that I already launched my project.
It’s scary but better than employment withdrawal.
Will it take off as I see it in my mind? Will it stall?
Even after writing this piece, I don’t have the answers to the questions.
I’ll still have too much on my mind, and just enough in my account, as I wait for my monthly salary, my monthly vice.
PS: This piece is an extension of my primary work. I’m currently building The One Alternative Academy, an alternative way of learning insightful, actionable points from sought-after experts in under a week. Find it here.
