My Journey to Learning To Live with Chronic Illness: An Introduction
A 30-something woman’s journey to living with chronic illness
I feel like an imposter when I say that I’m chronically ill.
Aside from an official diagnosis of Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia), Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), and Postural Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), I still feel like a fraud.
An inner dialogue screams that I’m exaggerating and not trying hard enough. On top of it all, at the time of writing this, I am suffering from a mystery illness that keeps me in close proximity to a toilet at all times.
This mystery illness makes eating difficult; my belly is consistently bloated, swollen, and painful, and I’m nearly always nauseous.
I’m so tired and I can’t stand up for too long before I start seeing spots, and going to the bathroom is always a painful experience in which I have to breathe like I’m giving birth just to deal with the pain.
My diagnoses up to this mystery illness have been hard to live with, but I’ve managed. However, this one is hitting me hard. Initially, I considered it a regular stomach flu, but as weeks passed without improvement, I realized it was more than that.
As of writing this, it’s been two months since I got sick, and I’m definitely more functional. But, straddling functionality and bedridden states has complicated life.
Between trying to make it to university classes, basic life admin like laundry and household chores, and trying to maintain my relationships, what seemed manageable before, now seems impossible.
I’ve spent many days in tears while I tell my partner, Steve, how tired and frustrated I am.
On my better days, I can make it to class, but when I get there, I’m so exhausted that I can barely pay attention. I’m just feeling so lost, scared, overwhelmed, and tired.
By the looks of the scheduled CT scans and doctor referrals, both my doctor and I are certain this is something I’ll have to manage for a while.
I used to manage my chronic conditions by pushing through, denying the reality, and self-blame. However, this method hasn’t exactly been foolproof and I’ve done a lot to be more self-compassionate.
But the strategies I’ve implemented in the past just don’t seem to be making the cut now.
That being said, I want to work with my body, not against it. I’m unsure how at the moment but, my goal is to learn, implement, and share my experience.
If someone else is navigating a similar situation, perhaps we can learn together. But ultimately, writing has always kept me motivated.
Sharing my journey to work with what the universe has given me, rather than against it, might prevent me from permanently curling up in my bed and crying forever.
Hi, my name is Chantal Kathleen and I write about mental health, wellness, and organization! If you found this article helpful I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments and if you want to see more like this be sure to follow my page! ❤️
