None of those hurtful words are true
Do we have to live under the “eyes of others”?
Others’ opinions
The so-called caring about “other people’s opinions” seems to mean that they value other people’s opinions, but in fact, they only see themselves.
Because the so-called “what do others think of me” is just focusing on myself.
If you can only think about your affairs, the side effect is that it will hurt your relationships with other people.
Human beings rely on the support of others to survive, so caring about “other people’s opinions” and worsening interpersonal relationships is a serious problem.
little trauma
Most people care about “what others think of me”, but the degree to which they care varies from person to person.
There is a significant difference between people who “care very much” and people who “care not that much”.
What causes this difference?
What people who care about “other people’s opinions” have in common is that there are many critical people around them, people who worry easily, or people who care too much.
We have lived with various evaluations since childhood, such as “good boy”, “bad boy”, “very good at reading”, “very good at sports”, “very stupid”, “useless”, “very gentle”, “ “Very bad”, “very good figure”, “very fat”, etc., were discussed in various ways.
And negative reviews are hurtful.
In daily life, I feel hurt due to negative comments. I call it “small trauma” (the so-called “trauma” in medicine is based on experiencing a life-threatening shock, but in daily life, even if someone says “ “You are fat” will not be life-threatening, so to distinguish it from the original “trauma”, this book calls this kind of trauma “small trauma”).
Everyone may have “little traumas”, but some people grow up in an environment full of “little traumas” (depending on the circumstances, they may become real “traumas”).
Some people surround themselves with people who cause “little traumas.”
Growing up in such an environment, because people cannot safely express their original selves, they will naturally think that “the so-called others are entities that evaluate and harm themselves.”
In order not to be hurt, he became very concerned about “other people’s opinions”.
Even if the people around you do not directly cause “small trauma”, if you are constantly reminded: “What will others think if you do this?”
Then you will naturally define others as beings who may hurt or judge you.
People who have experienced countless “little traumas” have no self-confidence because they have been absorbing negative evaluations of themselves while growing up, and they believe that the existence of others is negative or aggressive.
In order not to be hurt — that is, not to be labeled negatively by others, you will fall into the vortex of “caring about other people’s opinions”.
“Evaluation” itself is also a kind of violence
What exactly is the so-called “evaluation”?
When we see something, we transform it into something we can understand.
As biological beings, we are always trying to keep ourselves safe.
If something strange appears in front of us, we have to understand it and define it; so it makes us uneasy when we can’t keep ourselves safe.
Trying to transform the foreign objects in front of you is “evaluation”.
If judgment is a “good thing,” we will feel at ease; if judgment is a “bad thing,” we will dislike it; if judgment is a “dangerous thing,” we will keep a distance from it.
In addition, if the evaluation is “better than ourselves”, we will respect it; if the evaluation is “not as good as ourselves”, we will despise it.
As a living thing, this is natural, so judgment is not a bad thing.
However, problems arise when we forget that evaluation is a very “personal opinion” thing.
The so-called evaluation is based on “individual” cognition and is a judgment made by “individuals”.
The same thing viewed from another person’s perspective will be replaced by another person’s cognition and judgment, so it may also receive completely different evaluations.
Therefore, evaluation is a very subjective thing.
But even so, there are still many people who can’t help but think that it is the only absolute truth and forcefully apply it to others.
This can be said to be a kind of violence.
Because everyone has a background and past that only they know, we should not ignore these situations and force our standards on others.
Reviews are violent, so someone will be hurt by the reviews, causing “minor trauma.”
Thoughts on evaluation
If you can understand that evaluation is only temporary and subjective, your feelings about “other people’s eyes” will continue to change.
Because we know that “other people’s opinions” are based on the subjective relative evaluation of others, we will not stick to “requiring a good evaluation”.
Because he knows that no matter how the other party judges him, it is only the evaluation of “the other party” at “that point in time”.
The “other party’s” evaluation at “that point in time” reflects the other party’s current problems; and based on our performance, the evaluation can also be modified.
But if you think that evaluation is absolute, you will think that “the other person’s bad evaluation of me must be my problem,” and you will fall into the vortex of making yourself better.
Therefore, the essential difference between whether you care about “other people’s opinions” or not is your thoughts on evaluation.
Once someone says that you care about “other people’s opinions” because you don’t have confidence, you will fall into an endless whirlpool of trying to make yourself better and more confident; but if you know the essence of evaluation, the way you respond can also be changed.
Three “links”
The objects of connection are:
- The other person
- Myself, and
- Now
The so-called connection with “now” refers to cherishing the feeling of “now”.
When we are trapped by “other people’s eyes”, we often think of thoughts such as “I just need to lose weight” and turn a blind eye to the present, and worry about the future such as “What if others think I am 〇〇” uneasiness.
In addition, we may also think about the past and feel, “Ah, I was bullied again like before.”
And the “little trauma” that is the culprit of caring about “other people’s opinions” is itself a thing of the past.
Because of “small trauma”, everything we see now is viewed from the perspective that “others may hurt us”. This is the feeling of caring about “other people’s eyes”.
Thinking from this point of view, you can understand why the past can cause alienation from the present.
Focus on the present
When listening to someone else, try to put your database aside and focus on the present moment.
When you come into contact with someone who “evaluates your physique”, if you regard the other person’s comments as “complaints”, it will be easier to accept the other person’s “original self”.
When you can establish a connection with the other person saying, “Your life is also very hard,” you can let go of caring about “other people’s opinions.”
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