The Weird Truth About Adulting Your Mother Never Told You
How pressures of grown-ass adulting make you vulnerable
As a teen, I couldn’t wait to adult. Adulting meant having my own money and blowing it on all kinds of useless junk.
Adulting also meant I could do what I wanted when I wanted. I could do forbidden things like lounge in my PJs, eat pizza often, drink alcohol, and party till the wee hours.
As kids, most of us dream of this kind of stuff.
But honestly, if you are a grown-ass adult with a job, a spouse, and a kid, are you doing any of this?
If you are lucky your mother would have forewarned you about the reality of adulting. As is typical, you would have turned a deaf ear till you experienced it all yourself.
But there is yet another darker side to adulting that is rarely acknowledged and talked about.
It is about adults drawing boundaries that hurt and exclude.
Grown women with partners & children become especially vulnerable to this darkness that often takes on demonic proportions.
Shall we lift the veil to see what it’s really like in the jungle of adult hitched humans?
Of mama bears and other casualties of adulting
Folklore has it that the protective mama bear can kill and maim.
News flash: she can be mean as well. Matching her nastiness in the adulting jungle is the otherwise laid-back papa bear.
You would think having a family to love mellows people down. But I have seen that in the dog-eat-dog world of hunger for social power, it makes many of them aggressive.
Boundaries are healthy, but most of us are strangers to their wholesome version. Rather than erect boundaries that protect thriving relationships, we screw them up.
Have you observed watchful adults playing games of tit-for-tat? They keep scores of doing unto others what others do to them. You can spot their insecurities in their larger-than-life social media battles of “who has the bigger car/ bigger house/ better photographs/ better social life.”
Think about this. A lady I know is at the moment segregating her toddler’s birthday party invites into accept & reject piles. She rejects when she needs to prove a ‘don’t mess with me’ point. Childish & mean? Grown-ass women (and men) take these things seriously. It ensures their social survival.
Nobody’s fragile ego wins but everybody wants to score brownie points at everybody else’s expense.
Can one navigate this minefield of big boys and girls without getting killed?
From what I see most people fail to accept that they don’t take centre stage in others’ lives. Which means it all comes down to respect. If I can respect others’ boundaries most often, they respect mine. If mutual respect doesn’t work, I am probably dealing with an insecure person.
I find it easier to handle insecurities when I accept that each of us has experienced life in our own unique way. If I find my space infringed, I can choose to retaliate or I can choose to understand that the invaders don’t mean to hurt or pry. They understand boundaries differently. I have seen that a cup of tea and a talk always work. So does letting go of nonissues for the sake of the bigger picture.
If nothing helps, I remember that I can always choose who I allow in my inner circle.
Degrees of separation
The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you- Nicholas Sparks.
Priorities shift when we step into the next stage of life, so the dynamics of our people interactions are bound to change.
At times we may need to do away with ties that fill up time and space without giving them meaning. Adulting is the perfect excuse. But when we take life & its travails head on, we lose old friends. I have often wondered how I walk the fine line.
The mature me makes sure I am aware of who is in my corner. Those I can turn to in rain and storm, I hold close. The rest of them, I have stopped trying to please. Being everybody’s best pal just doesn’t work anymore for me.
The green-eyed adulting monster
Challenging social scenarios come with the territory. I have seen camaraderie end and competitions begin.
The biggest divide is the one between child-free and child-rearing folk. Imagine a scenario in which you gush about how cutely your little Sara burps while your friend raves about her trip to the Himalayas. Both of you talk, neither of you listens and both are slightly envious of the other. Many a friendship cannot stand the test of kids. Bonds of years may break from the strain of such divides. You may spend weeks and sometimes years mourning the absence of your former best friend’s presence.
Though here’s the bitter truth.
Such bonds may have always been superficial and the great divide is an opportunity to decide if these rapports are worth keeping.
I’ve been there. I’ve lost old friends to such a situation. I have managed to fill the vacuum. In hindsight, I made the mistake of not taking my time before meeting new people. I was in a hurry to fill the void.
The mature, mellow me has a yardstick for how to approach people. I try to emulate others rather than envy them, so I only approach those who are worth emulating.
In a world that seems superficial as I age better, I remind myself to be in tune with my integrity. It makes me, authentically me.
I am a freelance copywriter who writes blogs that increase business sales. I like to work with businesses that consider kindness a virtue & want to make the world a better place with their product/ service. You can talk to me on LinkedIn to learn more.
