What do I do first once I’m alone?
So, it looks like I’m going to be on my own soon.
What happens to me then?
I imagine myself going away, running away maybe, me and my dog escaping all the tears and platitudes, setting off on a journey where no one knows me, just like in the books—discovering unfamiliar places, meeting new people, being incredibly interesting and finding the real strong, brave me while looking out to sea in bright, warming sunshine.
Or will I feel completely lost and lonely, in an unfamiliar place trying to prove to myself I can cope on my own, with no friends nearby? I will probably be wet and cold, trying to find somewhere to stay with a damp, smelly dog, both of us physically exhausted and just totally sad. What will I do?
A very romantic idea versus reality, when all I really want is to be safe at home where his presence will still surround me and wallow in my loss and the life we shared together.
Which is the right way?
Two extremes with no real result. I guess I must take things slowly and do a bit of both. It will not change anything as I will still feel incredibly sad and escaping grief is not a healthy option. I hope I will find the strength to let grief happen naturally and wait patiently for time to heal, as I keep being told it will.
The advice to keep busy sounds sensible but it sounds like a distraction from reality and there are a lot of hours in the day to fill, I can’t imagine it is very easy to be busy in the middle of a sleepless night.
However, actively thinking and visualising myself making plans is preferable to waiting until too late and realising I have not a clue what to do. It gives a sense of a positive future and, in a funny way, helps pave the way. I think I feel stronger somehow if I have a plan, however bizarre, than being that person left reeling from shock, believing it will never happen.
For now, I will make the most of today.
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