Every New Book is an Existential Crisis

My grandmother was a teacher who taught reading to ESL students. She also taught me to read when I was four years old. My love of reading comes from her, and I’ve always been grateful.

Like other readers and writers, I have more books than I can count strewn throughout my house. There are piles in the living room, dining room, kitchen, my bedroom, and then shelves in the spare room I call my library. The library also have shelves of books, some I haven’t read yet, even though I bought them in the 80s and 90s.

I recently turned 57 (which blows my mind) and have slowly realized over the past few years that I have more books than I can read in the rest of my lifetime. That thought terrifies me.

But I can’t stop buying books, either hard copy or electronic. My Kindle holds thousands of books. I have hundreds in my home, more than likely over a thousand. Yet I still go to bookstores, still go on Amazon and other sites. I buy to support small-press writers, many of whom are friends or acquaintances. I buy because books are comfort objects. Everything is right with the world when I hold a new book in my hands or click on an unread book on Kindle.

Yet for all the comfort I get from books, each one I purchase now gives me a little anxiety, even a little guilt. Will I ever read this? Should I be buying books at my age when I have hundreds, maybe thousands I haven’t read.

The pandemic lock-down should have at least put a dent in the piles. But like many others, I was in limbo, unsure of anything on a day-to-day basis. Reading anything other than quick stories and articles was impossible.

I kept buying. The bookstores may have been closed, but online orders were available. I’d open the package, feeling everything was okay for a few minutes, then put it down, needing to make dinner, do laundry, order groceries online, anything to help my family feel normal.

Books help me feel normal. So I keep buying.

I’ve recently decided that it’s fine to buy those books. I have an existential crisis every day, and not just when I buy a book or two. I’m sure other people my age feel the same at times — will I live long enough to read all those books, write all those stories in my head, visit Greece, climb Mount Everest, be happy.

I could die tomorrow. But today I have a new book.