I made a Christmas List for Santa
When any adult writes a Christmas list for public view, you know that it’s going to be some think piece, that maybe helps us reflect on our consumerist society, or has some other “good for all mankind”-type of message. No one writes real Christmas lists. You know the kind. The kind that you used to write to Santa when you were a kid. Remember writing a Christmas list when you were 9 or 10? I remember writing down every single Transformer I wanted, with descriptions of what they looked like, and where to get them. How do I know that Santa knows the difference between Shockwave and Soundwave? He’s a busy guy, with lots on his mind. On this Christmas list, I also remember including a section on the list that looked like the following, only in really bad handwriting:
Please sign here: _______________________
This was insurance. A signature meant that:
1) Santa read my list.
2) Santa was real, and therefore, I would have a good chance of getting what I listed.
Or something like that. And, to my surprise, my list was signed…in a signature that kinda resembled my dad’s. But I asked my dad, and he said he didn’t sign it. And I have to believe my dad. So yes, Santa read my list. But I never received the Transformers that I wanted. Santa, was it because you hated me because I was a horrible child? Or because those Transformers were sold out in August since every kid in America asked for them?
I think after that Christmas list, I kinda gave up on listing things that I wanted. What’s the point? I mean, I guess I still listed things that I wanted, but they were things that were more…realistic, or easier to purchase in the week before Christmas (because my family NEVER shopped early. I have fun memories of shopping at Higbee’s in Parmatown Mall on Christmas Eve afternoon, mere hours before going over to a family friend’s house for a Christmas party.) It sounds like an adult thing to do, right? Asking for things that you have a good chance of getting?
Blah.
Whatever. I’m writing a list for you again, Santa. Maybe I won’t get what I list, maybe it’s too late. But maybe it’s not, and maybe I will. And I’m going to ask for things that may be a stretch, and things that may be easily obtainable, because if we’re going through the trouble to make a list, we may as well make it good, and include everything.
I’m not saying that if you also decide to write a list to Santa, that you should just ask for extravagant items, like supercars, or supermodels, or a decent Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice trailer. I think we need to think about what we really really want. Sure, the things we ask for may be impossible for anyone to give, but who cares? What if I put Soundwave on the Christmas list I made when I was 11, and I received it? (I didn’t put it on the list, and I didn’t receive it. Remember, it’s probably because Santa hated me because I was a horrible child. Or it’s like the ol’ lottery saying, “You can’t win if you don’t play.”) I think this list will also be good in the future, like next year. Maybe I’ll look back at this, and think “Huh, why did I want that?”
My 2015 Christmas List
Here you go, Santa. I know you can’t get everything on this list, and I probably don’t deserve everything on here. But I think after all this time, you know how I am, and what I could use, and what could be fun.
The impossible stuff. I want things to be like they used to be. I want to have parents again. I want to have those people that raised me to be there for me, to help me, to listen to me, to give me advice. I want them to be there so I can help them, and show them things I’ve done, teach them things I’ve learned, and do things for them, and take care of them. I want to stop feeling anger or pain or sadness when I think that my family, a family that was closer than everything I’ve ever seen on TV (and I’ve watched a lot of TV), or in reality, is not whole, is not complete, anymore. I want to stop feeling anger or pain or sadness when I see other people who get to spend time with their family, a family still intact. I want to stop feeling anger or pain or sadness when I see other people who complain about or refuse to spend time with their parents, because of some reason or another. I want to know, from my parents, if I’m doing okay, if they’re proud of me. I want to have a different memory of my mom’s last Christmas, which was spent in the hospital where she was bedridden. I want to remember the last Christmas I had with my dad, which I can’t recollect, because it was in 1992. I can remember every single episode of The Brady Bunch, but I can’t remember what happened at Christmastime in 1992.
I also want time. Or maybe the ability to stop time. Just so I can do the things I need to do. I don’t care much about time-travel, though.
I also kinda want to see Carly Rae Jepsen on tour. Emotion is such a good album. But I don’t think she’s playing anywhere near me.
The possible stuff.
This Spider-man mug I saw at Target the other day. I don’t drink hot beverages, but maybe I would if it came out of Spider-man’s head.
The Festool 497565 Systainer SYS 3
and maybe the Festool 497563 Systainer SYS 1
I have a red and black plastic tool case that I got from an ex-girlfriend. Actually, we bought two tool cases, together: a big one was bundled with a small one. I used mine for tools, she used hers for laboratory equipment, because she was getting a PhD doing cancer research…and I guess needed a tool case to carry around…pipettes? I don’t even remember. Anyway, my 12 year old tool case has a big hole in it. i don’t know how it happened. Just last year, I found out about Festool, and their Systainers. These are the best designed tool cases I’ve ever seen. Sure, they’re pricey. But I think these would serve my purposes better than the one I have with a hole in it, that doesn’t close quite right.
This Giant Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup seems pretty cool.
My favorite breakfast/snack is eating Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups while eating a banana. I don’t know why, but goddam it’s good.
I mean, you read the above, right? I’m a lardass, and it’s not getting any better if I’m asking Santa for giant peanut butter cups. But here’s the thing: I don’t want to work out with other people. I don’t want people there. I want to go in late. I want to use those fun machines. The Nautilus-type stuff. Listen to me, Nautilus machines. I sound old. Funny thing, I was trained in high school on how to use all the Nautilus machines, because my rich high school had a weight room set up with all the machines, care of a rich benefector…who probably wanted our football team to win the state championship. We had a physical education class where all you did was get trained on the machines. Then you were tested…by properly using the machines. I remember being tested on the “neck press” machine. I also had to wear some black leather work shoes when doing the test, because I forgot my gym shoes at home.
Masterpiece Transformers, Knock Off or genuine, I don’t care. Because they just feel like real Transformers, and they make me feel like a kid again. I’ve only ever gotten one Transformer for Christmas, and it wasn’t even a Transformer that I wanted. It was Jetfire, which, at the time, was a shelf warmer: no one was buying it. That “Transformer for Christmas” story is for another time. Masterpiece Transformers, for those not in the know, are cartoon/vehicle accurate toys of the Generation 1 Transformers. That may not sound like much, but when a toy looks just like a cartoon? It’s magical. The cartoon has an exact physical manifestation IN REAL LIFE. The original toys were okay, but they just didn’t seem like the cartoon. Here are some comparison pics.
I have an older MP-01 Optimus Prime, and Masterpiece Starscream, and Masterpiece Soundwave (seen above, which I bought a few years ago as a reward for actually working at a full-time job and having a paycheck after being unemployed for a while. Yeah, it’s weird thing to buy, but damn, that Soundwave is cool.)
Nikon F4s
When I was 15, I remember ogling a Nikon F4s brochure I picked up at a Dodd Camera in Middleburg Heights, near the Mountain Jacks. It wasn’t really a brochure as it was much too thick. It was more like a catalog or magazine: a nicely bound, and all about the top of the line Nikon SLR. It bragged about its magnesium body designed by Giorgetto Giugiaro, dust-proof seals, its ruggedness. I mean, you can’t have things go wrong when National Geographic photographers are taking this camera into the jungles. I vowed, that one day, somehow, I would get an F4s…when I would have a spare $3000.
Technology is a funny thing, especially with photography. As a 15 year old kid, I never would have guessed that digital cameras would be a thing (or that we would be able to take decent photos on our PHONES, or that we’d even have PHONES THAT ARE COMPUTERS), and that no one would ever want to use a film camera. And now I can get that same camera, that went on treks in the Sahara, and climbed the highest snow-covered mountain peaks in the world, for around $200 on ebay.
I recently bought a PS3 off a good friend. And so now I’m playing catch-up to pretty much every single person my age and younger. I’m looking at games which came out 7 years ago. I recently bought a new game, though: Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, because, hell, I like Metal Gear, always have. But there was something different when I played; it just wasn’t as fun. And then I bought some old game, Captain America: Super Soldier, which came out in 2011. Yeah, it’s no MGS V, but when I played it, it felt…fun! I guess what I’m saying is that I really like action/third person games, but I like them even more if the main character is a superhero that I like. So I think The Amazing Spider-man video game from 2012 would be fun. And it’s probably cheap, since, you know, it’s like 5 years old.
I want to watch The Donna Reed Show.
I wish there were the collected works of The Donna Reed Show, like on a blu-ray set. I guess you can get each season; just put it all in one box, already. I loved The Donna Reed Show. First of all, Donna Reed was beautiful. And then she was a mom! And her daughter would later star in Elvis movies, and also be on Craig T. Nelson’s Coach. And there was that one episode when her son won a Ferrari 250 GT Spyder California. Fun times! I used to watch the show all the time back when it was on Nick At Night. I just enjoyed watching it so much. It’s fun remembering a time in history where no one took selfies, and no one cared about emojis, and people greeted their milk man in the morning, and offered him breakfast.
I used to draw all the time when I was younger. It’s what I did. And then I stopped, because…life. And then I went to school for Industrial Design, and I drew day after day. And then I stopped, because…life. And it’s a terrible thing when someone who’s studied design just stops drawing, and only uses CAD programs. Your skills suffer. I need a Wacom tablet. I don’t think I’ve ever had my own, I just borrowed them from school or classmates. And while it still is fun photographing with film, it’s not that fun when you draw something, and then have to scan it into a computer to do some edits or rendering. A drawing tablet and Sketchbook Pro. That’s where it’s at. I need to draw just like I used to.
I want a pair of New Balance shoes that aren’t gray or blue. Maybe red. in size 10.5. Wide, maybe. I think Women New Balance shoes have much better color palettes than mens shoes. It’s like NB thinks that men who buy their shoes are boring senior citizens who don’t like color.
Fruitcake. Any kind of fruitcake. I will eat it.
This is one thing I will really miss about this Christmas: sharing fruitcake with my mom. She was the only other person who liked it in my family. It was always a real treat, opening a cake we received. She used to tell me stories about being a little girl in the Philippines, and her dad, my grandfather, would sometimes get a fruitcake around the holidays. And they would open it, and cut really really thin pieces of the cake, so they could stretch it out into the new year.
Do you know what’s not fun? Trying to scoot around under your car on your back on the concrete. I need a creeper. Then I can roll around with ease…hopefully.
I also need some coveralls, because why did I spend all these years ruining regular clothes while working on my car?? Seriously, I can’t believe I didn’t think of getting coveralls earlier.
One Christmas, during the days when MacGyver was on the airwaves, and we still referenced TV being “on the airwaves”, I received a black Huntsman Victorinox Swiss Army Knife. I wanted a Swiss Army Knife because, you know, MacGyver. Through the years, I collected a few more knives, each one a different color, with different functions. You can say that if there’s anything out there that I’ve been a collector of for a good portion of my life, it’s Swiss Army Knives. (And none of that Wenger shit. Yes, I know that Victorinox and Wenger merged, but still, Victorinox is the only Swiss Army Knife, to me.) Blackie, the knife, and I had quite a few adventures. Like that time when I had to discharge a high powered capacitor, and it melted two holes into the surface of the main blade. Good times. Sadly, a few years ago, I lost Blackie. Sometimes I think about getting another one, or maybe something different. I don’t know.
Socks, boxers (size Large), and pajama pants (also size Large). Because
a) I always lose the first one.
b) I always get holes in the second one.
c) I always leave the third one in a hotel in New Jersey. Okay, that happened once, but now I have one less pair of pants.
So there’s my list, Santa. I know, it’s a lot of stuff. But like I said, I don’t need all of it. Well, you know what I need. I’ll leave cookies out for you, again. I make them myself! Oh, you know that. And I won’t ask you to sign anything.
