My beliefs regarding Spider-Man
I like Spider-Man. I always have, ever since I knew he existed. Of course, I read every news tidbit that comes out of the interwebs regarding the latest Spider-Man movie in production, Spider-Man: Homecoming. I honestly still cannot fathom that in this day and age, we’ve had five Spider-Man movies. I remember years and years ago, I must’ve been 10 or 11, my dad showed me a small paragraph in The Plain Dealer, an innocuous sidebar in the Entertainment section of the paper. “Look! This company Cannon is going to make a Spider-Man movie!” I thought, “Finally! I’ll be able to see a live-action Spider-Man on the big screen!” Of course, that movie never happened, and I’m glad it didn’t. Also, my dad passed away years before even the first Spider-Man movie was released. Who knew movie making took so damn long? I wanted to see Spider-Man, and I was tired of watching my VHS tapes of the ill-fated CBS show. They could’ve just put Nicholas Hammond back in that suit, for all I cared.
Why do I like Spider-Man? Because it’s like he’s me. And I’m sure that’s what everyone says, Peter Parker is everyman, right? But for me, I’ve always felt this deep connection to him. But let’s get this straight: I connect with the original Peter Parker. The one from back in the day, back in the 60’s. That Peter Parker was just some kid who did really well in school, and who wasn’t popular. That was me. Oh, and he had superpowers. That wasn’t me, but I sure wished it was.
I was reading some news item about spy photos from the latest Spider-Man movie, and how they showed more details of Spider-Man’s web shooters. The comments on the news items turned into a discussion/argument regarding the origin of Spider-Man’s webs: mechanical web shooters, or organic webbing that comes from his body. For me, it’s no contest. And that got me thinking of other things that I believe about Spider-Man, hence, this poorly written Medium post.
In my mind, Spider-Man should be/have the following:
The proportional strength and abilities of a spider. The spider abilities (including spider sense tingling) is something everyone, I think, agrees upon. However, the strength thing varies, depending on who you talk to. In my mind, Spider-Man is one of the stronger superheroes around. Definitely stronger than, say, Captain America. That guy is a just a super-soldier. But Spider-Man, he’s a goddamm human sized spider! No matter what anyone says, I will always side with this superhero strength guide that was created back in the day, comparing Spider-Man’s strength to other Marvel superheroes.
Underneath it all, Peter Parker is a physicist. He’s not a computer programmer, or an electrical engineer, or even a photographer. (But can he program a computer, engineer electronics, or photo a graph? Of course he can.) He studied physics (like me!), but is WAY smarter than your average physicists. He’s one of the smartest people in the Marvel universe. Yeah, he had a job at the Daily Bugle as a photographer, but photography is just one of his interests (and remember, he got that job because he was taking pics of himself). It’s not who he is. Also, someone whose main interest is photography couldn’t have designed and engineered web shooters, which brings us to…
Spider-Man uses mechanical web shooters. None of this Sam Raimi Tobey Maguire “Webs shoot out of my wrists!” shit. Giving Spider-Man webs that come out of his body glosses over the fact that, again, Spider-Man is a super smart physicist, who can create a man-made spider web that comes out of wrist-mounted device. And he created these things while still in high school. That’s how smart he is.
He’s always cracking jokes. Peter Parker is picked on in school, and is pretty much the class nerd. He doesn’t fight back much, because, fuck those guys. But when he’s behind the mask, he can say anything he wants. Spider-Man’s trademark is to be quippy during fights, not super serious. Moviemakers got that right in his appearance in Captain America: Civil War. If the person Spider-Man is fighting wants him to shut up, then they’ve done the character right.
Outside of being Spider-Man, Peter Parker is just a normal guy. He goes to school. He has homework. He has to pick up groceries for Aunt May. He has to eat, and sometimes has to eat while he’s swinging through the city on his way to thwart a bank robbery. He’s not a super-rich millionaire playboy. He’s a guy who has to balance his secret superhero life with his normal life. Just a regular kid…who also just happens to be a genius, and have the abilities of a spider.
Anything outside of these things, I’m fine with. Armpit webbing like in the old days? I could take it or leave it. Weird costume colors? Whatever, as long as there’s red and blue in there, or black and white. I’m good with either.
