When Productivity Gets Toxic
Having a mentality that can turn on you
Doing nothing tastes like sin. It certainly does to me, and I wonder why that is. If anything, I’ve always identified with a work-life balance that’s more in favor of life.
Personally, I can’t see the perks of working yourself to the bone for any amount of money or power. I belong in the camp that almost idealizes a world where life is “lived” — that is, where we enjoy our time on earth and not count it.
Yet somehow I’m the one counting my time.
I stress out when an hour passes and nothing “productive” has been done.
For me, “productive” doesn’t have to be work-related. It can actually be something as simple as going on a walk, meditating or meal-prepping.
That said, I find myself addicted to and obsessed with action that yields tangible results. If I can’t see it, it doesn’t count.
I want to look at my day — at the end of my day — and say to myself,
“Okay, now that was a productive day.”
I want to have a certain number of pages read, a certain number of minutes exercised, and so on.
That’s the mindset I have.
It’s also a mindset I’m actively trying to get away from.
If in bed I can’t honestly say that the day was productive, I beat myself up and have trouble sleeping. I commit myself to a tomorrow that’s twice as productive in order to make up for lost time (which only kind of lets me off the hook).
Because I’ve conditioned myself to only feel satisfied when I’m doing, doing, doing, and have done, done, done, anything less is miserable.
Having coffee with a friend, laying down on the grass, watching TV — these are all unproductive in my book. But should they be?
Walking, meditating and meal-prepping — as mentioned above — all advance my life in their own way. Having coffee, though, does not. Or I’m convinced it does not.
Sure, chatting with a friend (whether that’s catching up or exchanging ideas) is nice, but I don’t leave with the sense that I’ve done something “productive”. While chatting, I don’t have the sense I’m doing something “productive”.
Same thing with laying down on the grass. I’m appreciating nature and allowing myself a moment of relaxation. But there is no “doing”. Afterwards, there is no “done”.
TV is no different. No “doing” while watching. No “done” after it.
In other words, it seems that I’m only OK with whatever I associate with forward motion.
Improvement is a type of forward motion, which is why walking, meditating and meal-prepping are all passable.
Walking for physical health, meditating as spiritual nourishment and meal-prepping as a time-saving shortcut.
Still…
My relationship with productivity may not be that toxic. Of course it’s in all likelihood not healthy, but I still think I’d rather be “doing” constantly than not “doing” at all.
As with most things, it’s striking a balance that is so darned difficult.
Ideally, I’d like to relearn how to slow down and appreciate life for what it is, which is something that is slipping away from us with each second. I’d like to be okay with snatches of time — even stretches — during which nothing “productive” is done.
I’m not afraid of burnout but I tell myself that it’s a real possibility if I’m always going 100 mph. Better, I think, to pace myself so that I can use my time and energy more efficiently.
Also, I try not to buy too much into the idea that time flies. I prefer the image of time slowly plodding forth. Sure, it’s not at a standstill, but always being reminded of the impermanence of things only sends me into a frenzy, lusting for action.
I’m not sure that I’ll be able to make a change as easily as a light-switch is flipped on and off. No, I’m almost positive that I won’t.
And that’s okay.
Hey, I might even get off my laptop after this and just listen to music for an uninterrupted hour.
Okay, maybe just half an hour.
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