A Day Passes — A Year Never
In the summer of 2020, I was sitting in my room and scrolling through my phone. After having checked my email 56 times that day out of boredom, I suddenly see a message from a professor. Let’s just say that at that time I was feeling quite down and thinking about what to do with my life. And in the email there was an offer to go abroad, more precisely to Germany.
I won’t go into details now, but what was offered sounded really well. First of all, I was attracted by the fact that I would leave my small environment where I never felt good and experience something new. Of course, I wanted to try working with new people and see how I manage, to learn something new. Minor digression: at that moment I returned home after finishing my studies and was on some kind of break from university, and I was employed for a short time in a company. However, I wasn’t really satisfied and I wanted a change. Since I have never gone anywhere alone (except when I moved for university, but I still spoke my native language), I thought it was time to break that trend and throw myself into the unknown.
And so, after about half a year and several obstacles (red flags from the beginning huh?), I was on the plane, on my way to Germany. It was officially my first time on a plane ever + all by myself. Before, it would have discouraged me and I would have started to panic, but for some strange reason I didn’t feel anything at all. Yes, two days before that I broke down crying when I said goodbye to my family because I’m going away for a year and I don’t know when I’ll be able to come back for a short time, but for the rest I was kind of on autopilot mode.
I get to my accommodation which was actually some kind of student dormitory where mostly foreign students live and they leave me alone in isolation for 5 days, after which I have to take a COVID test. Ha, COVID was in some third or fourth wave peak then, I don’t remember exactly because there were so many wave peaks. In general, the situation worsened again. The moment the door to my room closed and I was left alone to become one with the walls, Pandora’s box opened. I couldn’t stop the tears and wanted to go home immediately. I broke down. It took a lot of phone calls with my family and a lot of sleep to calm down. I knew that the calmness from before was just an illusion.
Somehow those 5 days passed, the test was negative and it was time to do what I came for. In fact, I received a scholarship and was supposed to do my mini-project under the mentorship of a professor from a university. It was time to meet my mentor and other colleagues, but a surprise awaited me — unlike at home, where everything was quite normal, people were afraid of the virus here. I found out that there can only be one person in the office, which is ok, I would just have to be persistent and go to other people’s offices to ask questions. But no, in addition to that rule, it was allowed to work from home, which most people did, so there was hardly anyone around me. My mentor was a very important and busy man, and it was pretty clear to me that I wouldn’t be able to ask him for help whenever I needed to. We agreed to have a Zoom meeting every 2 weeks so that he would have an overview of my progress, and if I needed help I should ask one of my colleagues at the institute. Additionally, I would listen to some of the lectures at the university in order to learn how to use their program that I need for the project. Ok, right, sounds doable.
So I spent the first month or two listening to those lectures and trying to learn something. It was difficult because I had not had lectures in English before and I didn’t have the status of their student, so my obligations were not clearly defined. No one knew what to do with me, they didn’t have any plan even though I was told differently before I flew all the way there. In fact, before this experience, the last time I spoke English was in high school, but it was not very important because I also had someone from my country in the team, so during my negotiations for arrival, neither speaking English nor German was a decisive factor. Imagine my shock when “that someone from my country” (that’s how I’ll call that person) left me to fend for myself because he’s very busy and he worked in that program a long time ago. He said, ask that other colleague. Ok, I’ll ask. My only option was to send emails and hope for a Zoom meeting. However, I did not receive answers to my questions, was often completely ignored and didn’t get an answer at all. It was already clear to me that this will not be easy, but I have to justify my scholarship, I have to have results!
Let me leave the work part aside and turn to the social part of my stay in Germany. Shy as I have always been, it was never easy for me to make new acquaintances, and as I had to speak English, I weighed every word I said. For a while, I got to know the area by myself and I liked that it was so clean and beautiful, with lots of green areas, even though I was located in a mostly Turkish part of the city. Maybe that’s not his official name, but that’s what it looked like. Due to COVID, a curfew was introduced for the first time in Germany (maybe only in the city I was in, I can’t say for sure) and to go anywhere except to the groceries store you had to be vaccinated/have a negative test and fill out paper with your data at e.g. entering a store or having an application on your phone through which you will log in when you visit a place. My luck! I was lonely and dissatisfied, I was thinking about how to get out of the chaos I had fallen into.
Little by little, I met several lovely people (also foreigners) who stayed in the same building I was in and were also there for a certain period of time. I owe them a big thank you because they helped me to stay calm and enjoy myself as much as possible. Although they all had their own projects they were working on, so I couldn’t call them anytime, we visited the city and the surrounding areas. The only trouble was that they ended their scholarships early and I was so stuck with my work that I had to stay for a whole year. I was left alone again.
Most of all, I liked to visit the many parks and the city center. Simply, the red brick buildings surrounded by canals were a joy to my eye. Unlike the trash everywhere I see at home, there was none of that.
If the conditions were a little better and there was no COVID, maybe I would have enjoyed it all more. Maybe if there wasn’t so much separation and social distance, I would have had better cooperation with my colleagues and everything would be different. What if!
Countless times I thought about giving up, just saying I can’t do it anymore and returning all the money. I was left alone to manage with the program, which is in German and is used only by the people I “work” for, and for which there is only some miserable manual. I was frustrated. I kept trying to get in touch with the person everyone was referring me to for help, only for him to tell me — look at the manual. Well, as if I hadn’t already done that. It looked like I wouldn’t be able to start anything, let alone finish the whole project.
After 6 months, it was time to return home for the summer and go on vacation. There were various complications with the visa extension that only delayed my departure home and increased my frustration, but I won’t go into that. It seems that also in organized countries, nothing goes according to plan or on time. Not everything is so perfect somewhere else.
It’s strange how we don’t appreciate what we have and think that somewhere else everything is more beautiful and better! I had a wonderful time on vacation, but a black cloud of sadness called “I have to go back there and finish what I started” followed me. I gathered my strength and came back. It was even more difficult than the first time, and now German autumn and rain awaited me — beautiful.
I got lucky that a nice woman came back from maternity leave and helped me start work. The problem was that she was leaving soon for another job and I knew that I had to ask her as much as possible because, after she left I would be left alone to find my way again. I got enough answers and thought that I would somehow be able to bring everything to an end. Of course, it didn’t quite work out that way. Ok, ok, I didn’t even expect to get away with it. I will solve one problem at a time.
Regarding COVID, things in Germany were relaxing a bit and generally returning to normal. I met more new people with whom I shared rainy days and tea evenings. As Christmas approached, I really wanted to go to one of their Christmas Markets. It was a great experience, especially in smaller places. Wooden houses with delicious food and drinks, Christmas decorations, cold air — paradise. I had a lot of hot cocoa, tried their mulled wine (Glühwein) and even tried a roller coaster. By the way, I’m not an extreme sports kind of girl, so this last one scared me to death. No more roller coasters for me :)
In my head, New Year meant only one thing — I was going home for the holidays and after that I had a month and a half left and it was all over for good. After the holidays, the return was more or less easy. Of course, I faced some obstacles again and after a few nervous breakdowns, the end was near. A last-minute rescue came and my project was over. Somewhere near the end of my story in Germany, I finally met all my colleagues live for the first time. The irony?!
I’ve been back home for some time now and let’s summarize what I managed to do: I went alone into the unknown and survived, got out of my comfort zone and survived, flew on a plane and survived, took care of myself for a year without anyone and survived, spoke English after many years and survived, met friends from whom I still hear from time to time (some visited me and some I plan to visit). I’m not sure if I’ve gotten stronger or weaker mentally — I’m still debating that. And yes, I finished the project and later even received praise and offers to continue.
All in all, it wasn’t a very bad experience considering the circumstances. If it was all just a year later, who knows … I am grateful that I was given the opportunity and that I had the courage to take it, with all the positives and negatives. It wasn’t exactly Winter Wonderland, but hey, all is well that ends well. The Germans are said to be a bit colder and reserved, so maybe next time I’ll try Spain??
Ausrine, Marie, Giulia, Daniel, Alex, Csongor, Amey and many others — thank you for supporting me and helping me get through that year, everyone in their own way! I won’t forget you. Most of all thanks to my family, people who put up with my mood swings and dark moments🖤
