A Song That Perfectly Describes My Love Life.
Read to see if the shoe fits.
I was just talking to a friend recently and he was telling me all the strategies he uses to get girls. I found myself nodding throughout the conversation and saying things like, “That is pretty good, and I could see that working.”
I finished it off by saying, “…Could never work on me though.”
“Nothing works on you.” He agreed. And he would know because he tried. Really, really tried.
I let him on a little secret, that there is something that works on me. It is nothing special. It’s just a small tactic that you have to carry out with precision because although I’m still easily manipulated, I am also very self-aware.
I called it the thing, that in order for me to date someone they must have the thing.
He didn’t get what I mean by the thing after I explained it about fifty times, so I pointed to someone from our class (we were at the library) and I said, “He has the thing.”
“Ohhh!! You mean someone who doesn’t care,” he said right after I showed him the guy. There was nothing about not caring in my description of the thing. I mean I didn’t even explain why that guy has the thing.
After I got defensive about what he said, he made jokes about how I need multiple therapists instead of just one. I then allowed myself to admit something I have known to be true for a long time now.
He is right, the thing is not caring but specifically, not caring about me. This made me think back to a song that accurately describes how I feel and what the thing really is.
The song that perfectly describes my love life is “HMU If You Don’t Like Me” by Ashley Kutcher.
She articulates how much I go crazy for people who don’t like me.
I tell myself that I want someone who will respond to my texts as soon as I send them, someone that I will never question their love for me, someone who calls me daily to check up on me, someone who is caring and loving. I mean in theory I do but in practicality I never do.
It could be my daddy issues, that I’m trying to recreate my relationship with my father, and this time truly feel his love. Or it could be the fact that I don’t actually want a partner so I chase after emotionally unavailable people so that I can say that I did my part, I tried but it just didn’t work out.
It could be the fact that I don’t feel enough that I feel like deep down something is wrong with me, so I unconsciously seek people who don’t want me to confirm that belief. Or it could be that I have an avoidant attachment style so someone who doesn’t want to be around me all the time feels less overwhelming to be with. (Nah, doesn’t justify the dragon moths in my stomach when I like someone).
Or it could be all of the above reasons.
This is my favourite part of the song.
It is true, I only care when you don’t want me back.
It is so upsetting that I get hit on multiple times a day and that I meet all sorts of different guys. That I meet people who call me multiple times a day to either ask about my day or want to take me out.
I meet guys who offer to cook for me, people who make my problems theirs, people who have a lot in common with me, people with excellent communication skills and people who let me know clearly that they want to have a relationship with me.
But despite all of that, I fixate on the guy that sends me two half-hearted texts per week, who never calls, and who has never indicated that he wants a relationship. I decide that that is the guy for me.
I am embarrassed to admit that I am currently obsessing over one of these guys. We were kinda talking, kinda flirting. I liked him a little bit but made sure that things didn’t escalate because again, he wanted all the benefits of being in a relationship without the responsibility of being in one.
We have gone weeks without talking in the past and that was fine because I was the one who initiated it when I felt that things were getting a little too heated. Recently, he grew cold, and I have been obsessing over him ever since (it’s been about a week).
At times I feel like I might wither away if he doesn’t give me his attention. Like I am a plant, and he is the sun. I need him to survive.
The funny thing is, I do not want a relationship with him or anything to do with him really. He just triggered my trauma response by ignoring me. I know for a fact that if he would give me his attention, I would instantly lose interest in him. That is just how it goes.
I know this all sounds sad, and that is because it is.
Now tell me, do you relate to my story? Do you find my story strange? What is your love life like and what song do you feel describes it?
Thank you so much for reading. Enjoy the rest of your day.
