Acne vs. Me
I was at the sea on vacation and I don’t know if it was because of dirty water, pool water, sunscreen, or something else, but acne appeared all over my chin. I immediately had that déjà vu moment and realized that this had already happened once! Maybe it’s just a coincidence and it will disappear quickly. Please, not this again!
So let’s go back in time, I was in my third year at university, during the summer when my face literally exploded. I used to have some acne here and there, but nothing that worried me. This wasn’t a big deal for me at the beginning either, but as the summer went by I realized that they just don’t go away and are multiplying and getting worse. This is where the drama begins.
I decided to go to the dermatologist to take a look and to tell me what to do before I lose my mind. Since my face was inflamed, she gave me some pills (Diane 35 if my memory serves me well) which I took for a while, and then I came to her again. Then she decided to manually squeeze the content out of my acne, and it hurt like hell because the inflammation was still there. Okay, I thought the woman knew what she was doing.
However, it was strange that she didn’t at least take a swab to determine what it was because we still don’t know the cause of it, and it’s assumed to be bacteria. I didn’t try anything new in terms of food, nor was I under more stress than usual. Ok, I endured the torture and prayed it was worth it. But damn, in addition to still being inflamed, my face was bloody, with shades of black, green, and purple. I looked terrible. I felt terrible.
I was about to start university again soon for the winter semester. I cried for days. This is a great moment to emphasize that my self-confidence before all of this was not at an enviable level, but this totally ruined me.
It’s okay, I said to myself, I have to go to lectures, that’s why I’m studying, and my parents pay for my accommodation in another city. It is out of the question to hide in an apartment for who knows how long and wait for everything to miraculously go away.
I gathered all the strength in the world and regularly went to university with craters on my face and just prayed to God and all the saints that no one would ever look at me and talk to me.
For the first 7 days, I only looked at the floor. I don’t know how I survived it honestly, but I did. I had to. The fact that everyone was looking at my hideous face pecked my brain all the time.
I think I went to have my acne popped again once or twice, and that of course left consequences — in addition to the acne that was still there, I also had scars from those that are no longer there. Perfect.
The dermatologist suggested fruit acid treatments and I, like any good child, agreed because I hoped she knew what she was talking about. I was hoping she would help me. Those acids made my skin flaky and I don’t remember seeing any benefits. I also remember applying some cream — clindamycin gel. Some time passed, but there was no significant progress.
I was desperate and inconsolable. I completely disconnected from everything, although I still went to university regularly. I noticed how people look at me strangely when, for example, I just stand and wait for the traffic light to turn green.
The moment that broke me was when the cashier looked at me and asked What’s wrong with your face? I don’t know how I restrained myself until I left the store, but after that, I broke down, and I cried a river. I didn’t want to exist anymore. Let’s face it, I wasn’t a beauty before either, but I simply couldn’t look at myself in the mirror anymore without crying. I was hiding from everyone and became like a ghost.
However, somehow I decided to move on because it’s not the end of the world to have acne at the age of 22. So what if no one looked at me anywhere and thought wow, she is so beautiful, I didn’t want anyone to look at me anyway.
I started using various creams, either on the recommendation of others or on my own, doing some fancy treatments — basically, I wasted a lot of money because I hoped that anything would help me. I went to the doctor, had blood tests done, and tried changing my diet, but nothing worked.
It lasted for about two years. Everyone looked at me pitifully, known and unknown people. At a monastery, a lady came up to me and offered me her homemade face cream. That’s right, that didn’t help either. I fell more and more into depression, I gained weight, and I didn’t want to hang out with anyone. Although, this can also be connected to the moment when I had enough studying, and had no motivation. I wouldn’t really blame acne for everything, it’s not fair.
It was like that until one fateful moment when I was on one of the treatments. The girl who was doing the treatment mentioned that she too had really bad problems with her face until she tried Roaccutane. I had read about that medicine before, but somehow it was my last option, plus no one of the doctors I visited even mentioned it to me, and it can’t be done without a prescription.
I decided to make an appointment with another dermatologist. When she looked at me and started to prescribe expensive creams again, I told her that I wanted Roaccutane because I had already tried all the creams in the world.
Then she took a closer look and suddenly realized that I was a good candidate for Roaccutane. She prescribed me therapy and told me what blood tests to do every month so that she could monitor if anything suspicious was happening. She warned me that my skin would probably be dry and that I should hydrate it and that was it.
I took Roaccutane for half a year, and it was the only thing that helped me. I didn’t experience any side effects except for the dry skin. The acne has gone and only the scars from squeezing them remain.
I was overjoyed, I could see my more or less normal face again! To this day, I don’t know the reason they appeared so suddenly, but it was only important to me that they were gone and that they would never return.
As soon as I saw the change after a month, my mood changed. I was happy again, more happy with each acne that went away. I looked in the mirror again, and I was happy with what I saw. I started getting compliments on how good my face looked. It was wonderful!
Now, when I see the scars I have on my left cheek or some small pimple, I remember everything I went through and how my face looked then — and that little pimple is not a problem at all. As long as there aren’t more of them, that’s when I start to panic! And my scars are cute too, it looks like I have dimples. Maybe someday I’ll try to remove them with a laser, but for now, everything is in the best order.
Sometimes I still think that everyone is looking at my face and I generally hide from people — but that is a separate story :)
I know perfectly well how people who struggle with acne feel, and I also know that they care the most about their skin, so to the “well-intentioned” people who say just wash your face - please forever shut up. I don’t want you to think that I am recommending Roaccutane, everyone should find what works for them (with the help of a good dermatologist). I wish you a lot of strength and keep my fingers crossed that everything will be fine. I hope it will pass.
I’m currently struggling with this strange acne rash on my chin, and I’m looking for a way to make it go away, so if I succeed I’ll let you know what helped me this time.
