An Introvert, Misfit, or Both
I wondered if it was all my fault until I lost my dignity and reclaimed it all back.
I am sure there are many people like me who were made to feel like a misfit at some point in their lives.
I wish I was born in the age of the internet and had more awareness that I was never alone and there were many like me.
Recognizing myself as a misfit.
During my school days, I used to make friends, but I also fell out of friendship very quickly. I would see them losing interest in talking to me because my areas of interest were different.
I was more inclined to read and discuss books, which provoked deeper thoughts.
I never followed new trends, went crazy about a budding sportsperson, or imitated the fashion trends set by a celebrity movie actor.
In short, I was quite a boring person to be with, who only talked about serious stuff.
All introverts are not similar.
In my parents’ home, it was never a problem that I preferred to be in my room most of the time with books or a journal book, as my elder brother was similar.
I remember my mother as the only person who socialized with others. I hardly understood the topics she discussed though those appeared to be important.
I never found someone who had similar interests as me apart from my elder brother. He was the only person who supported me when I was nervous about having no lasting friends.
My brother would often discuss some of the serious stuff, but I realized he was more of a materialist. I would rather stay in my own world of ideologies and principles and follow them in my life. So, in due course, the distance between us grew until we no longer recognize one another.
I do not remember what went wrong, but we fell apart after I moved to a different city for work.
Accepting myself as a misfit.
When you find yourself a misfit in most places, you are left with no choice but to shut yourself off into a world of your comfort zone.
It is not that I never questioned myself about why I was different, but I could not shed my identity to please others or to win new friends; I was too proud to fake someone I was not.
So I shut off the external world, assuring myself that one day I would find someone who would become a genuine friend and would care to know about and accept me the way I am.
Marriage was on the cards.
By the natural course of events, I started meeting eligible bachelors with an interest in marriage. Unfortunately, I found them to be good, but not good enough to be my husband.
After almost a good decade of dating potential grooms, my parents’ growing nervousness about my future as a single woman took its toll on me and I became more serious about marriage.
Finally, I happened to meet someone with similar interests in some of the aspects. He was not entirely an introvert but he was a deep thinker, which was one of the top qualities I sought in a prospective groom.
So, I married him after three months of courtship!
The reality was different.
At first, life appeared normal; very soon afterward I started seeing red flags, again!
The person I thought to be my husband, did not present his entire truth. Perhaps that is how I overlooked many of his qualities, which were not what I expected in my husband.
Whether it was deliberate or a genuine mistake to leave areas of character unexplored prior to marriage, is the reason I refrain from blaming him for any of those expressed afterward.
The differences showed up drastically, even in day-to-day life, particularly as mismatching priorities, but I tried my best to hide them even from myself because I believed it was completely my onus to make this marriage work.
Being an open-minded person, I allowed room for others to be themselves and did not object to my husband’s continued way of life. Instead, I began to believe that I should try to fit in and thus changed, or at least I tried.
Three years lapsed, not quite happily but I adjusted as much as possible because I believed it was a mistake to be a misfit.
I was made fun of.
I tried quite hard to change into the other version of myself, just to sustain my marriage. In turn, my husband made fun of me because I was a loner and different from others.
I was surprised that this was happening to me despite such situations being repeated.
Taking stock of the circumstances helped me realize that we hardly touched upon the things we liked about each other before marriage, and in the whirlwind called marital life, I had lost myself and my dignity.
I realized above everything else, that my husband never respected me or appreciated the effort I had placed into adjusting and sustaining our marriage.
When confronted the situation turned ugly, and I knew it was time to quit because I did not recognize him anymore.
Doubting myself.
I left my husband’s home and started living alone.
It was a difficult phase; I questioned whether it was only my fault.
I doubted whether he ever loved me; if he did he would try to see my side of things, as well.
Thankfully, my financial independence saw me through that rough patch of life.
Reclaiming my life.
I invested time into work to recuperate from my disastrous marriage, and it helped to a great extent; in no time, I tasted freedom.
I gradually reclaimed my original introverted self and began to feel much safer and protected within.
I started working on my past hobbies and interests and invested in a number of good books that I wanted to study for a long time.
Life looked lonely but I was not alone, I was free.
My learning.
I believe there is a reason for everything that happens in our lives.
I pray to the Higher Self to give me the strength to build resilience and acceptance, that is the only way to get out of suffering.
P.S.
Thanks for reading my life story, I hope I was able to make someone feel better.
I have no true power apart from genuine intentions to help those who feel lost due to adverse circumstances in their lives.
I only want them to know they are not alone.
