Are We Loving Or Are We Banking?
I’m struggling with the difference these days.
When it comes to matters of the heart; love and relationships, I’m usually wary of talking realistically about my experiences with, and about the phenomenon that is love, what some like me would consider the eight wonders of the world. I’m a hopeless romantic you see. The reason for this uneasiness even though 80 percent of my poems revolve around the topic of love; unrequited, lost, found, is because love can take on so many faces/shapes, so it’s hard to say definitively, this is why it or it should be like this. I think what is clear though is what love is not. Red is not my least favorite color for no reason.
The ancient Romans considered marriage strictly a contract agreed upon by both parties, love was hardly in the equation. This brings me to the question: are we returning to those times?
If we are, then let it be public knowledge so we can let go of our expectations for love, and those of us who put it on a pedestal would stop.
By nature, I’ve found that when it comes to matters of the heart, I rarely hold back, I do not know how to; and so I tend to love loud and clear. I’m not one to leave you wondering where you stand, you’ll know, not so much through my words (I’m still learning how to be expressive without cringing for years), but moreso through my actions. So can you imagine my confusion and bewilderment being thrust into the field where love is a game to be played, where I’m constantly told to either play or get played? Well, I’ll tell you; it feels like being a snowman lost in the wrong season.
Today’s dating scene is a jungle and truth be told I avoid it like a plague! Both consciously and unconsciously.
Let’s face it, no one wants to get hurt especially not me, fully aware of how sensitive I am and how deeply and fully I feel things, about myself and others. I know that some consider love realistically to be transactional, but it’s difficult for a love idealist like me to wrap my head around it. They say it’s loving but at the same time, it’s a contract; give and take. Did I already mention that I am a hopeless romantic? I still am, but I came to the conclusion a long time ago that there is no such thing as unconditional love among humans.
That person loves you because... You love that person because...
Now if this belief of mine sums up love as a transactional relationship then I guess I’ve succeeded in answering my own question.
I saw a tweet a while back where men are described as the gatekeepers of love while women are the gatekeepers of sex. Sex is sex but depending on the particular society, love can mean different things for different people. In my clime, many women tend to equate love to money and material possessions, but I’m no material girl, and sometimes I wonder if that’s why things hardly ever work out well. I won’t accept a man who only has money to offer nor one who thinks sex is his birthright because he has money to offer. Love has become, “I bought you dinner, you’re ‘giving’ me sex, or how much is he willing to ‘give’/spend on me? That’d determine if the cookie will be ‘taken’.”
So there’s this guy, Clint, whom I’m attracted to and whom I’m positive was also once attracted to me. We lost touch for a bit and reconnected recently. It took a lot for me on my part to reach out to him. I thought long and hard, changed my mind a million times, and talked myself out of it so many times but encouraged by my friend, Fiyin, I finally took that bold step. You see, we were talking about regrets and I told her that one of my biggest regrets was not giving love a chance with Clint. We talked about how I regretted not having taken things further with Clint when he asked, all because I was afraid. Fiyin told me there was still a chance to fix things and if I miss this window, it might be too late, so I resolved to give it another go and I did.
I hate the feeling of feeling like a bug, a nuisance who just won’t take a hint and I couldn’t help the gnawing feeling that that was what I had become to him. Like I said earlier, I’m passionate when I love/like but never overbearing neither do I come on too strong. I’d need enough courage and words for that I currently do not possess.
In the two-year space between us, Clint had changed. Of course, this is to be expected, as humans we’re constantly evolving or not. By observing and talking to him, I learned that he had also become one of the many Nigerian men who believe money is the reason a woman would show interest. From his point of view, this would make my renewed efforts with him motivated by money, with me as a potential gold digger.
When I turned Clint down the first time, he said jokingly that it was because he didn’t have a lot of money. Although I assured him that that was not the reason, because like I said before, I am no material girl, never have been but who knows how things might change in the future. He didn’t exactly believe me and I could sense it.
However tongue-tied, I should have also let him know it was crippling fear, feelings of inadequacy, and unresolved trauma that held me back.
Now, in his words, “I have a little change” which in Nigerian/perfectionist parlance is humblebragging for, “I’m doing well for myself” is probably the reason he thinks I’m back to exploring the spark that once existed between us.
This was/still is really hard for me because, the Clint I knew was effusive and expressive, a real lover boy. Like me, he loved with his entire face; his eyes, his voice, his all. Unfortunately, this one is brusque calculative, and evasive, and although I can still sense his interest in me, I can’t seem to fully feel it. He’s trying his best to hide behind a mask to either avoid “see finish” or to gauge if I’m in his DMs because of his pocket, or maybe it’s both. I found myself playing the “love game” which I detest.
"Should I call back again? Has he replied my text yet? Is he trying to make me anxious? Should I really triple text? Why am I the one making all the effort? Don’t I look desperate?"
Soon I realized I was not cut out for all the wariness and push and pull that mirrors the one done when trying to close a contract, and which seems to accompany loving and dating in today’s society. It’s not my cup of tea and I don’t think I can force myself to down it, not even in one go like agbo jedi, a herbal mixture.
Through this entire experience, I’ve learned some valuable lessons and come to terms with some truths:
- I am responsible for my feelings. My feelings for someone are not their obligation or responsibility. I shouldn’t make the other person responsible for my feelings, because they are mine to embrace or discard or do with as I see fit, not theirs. I have learned, or rather I’m learning that this thought process is erroneous; “Here, my feelings for you. Accept it or reject it and if you’re choosing the latter, it is your job to resolve whatever hurt or lingering effects your rejection will cause me.” That’s just not right.
- Already existing fact about me. I have learned something about myself that will likely not change. I came to the realization that I might never come to terms with romantic relationships as transactions, with love and sex and money as bargaining chips. This will probably make my chances of finding genuine love harder, but I can be stubborn like that, and I’m cool with it.
- Love is not a debt to be repaid. Love is something that should be given freely and also let go of freely even though doing that can sometimes be hard. Loving someone is not an automatic free pass to their love and that’s totally fine. In a way, it feels like letting go of expectations of a ROI when it comes to giving love. I know the realists are probably scoffing at this as well as some who believe love is an investment that should naturally yield certain expected returns. But if disagreeing with this makes me an idealist, then I guess I better wear my badge boldly as a Love Idealist.
I know now that love is not a debt to be repaid, therefore I’m not angry at or disappointed in Clint, not in the least bit. But I’m sad. I’m sad that he too has been sucked into the transaction that is love today. That society has turned him into a hard guy who equates romantic interest to the amount of change in his pocket, and he has become a strong believer in love as a business. I’m sad that we may never be.
Can’t we just live and love without all the scheming and calculations?
*Actual names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.
