Dynamic of pain- My Journey With Pain.

Walk with me, i offer you my pain i hope you take it like some. medicine.

How long has it been? Well I’ll say 1 year and some months. That’s how long I’ve been on this path, I never for once imagined I’ll be here indeed God watches and protects us, and when he said “ I know the thoughts I have for you, thoughts of Good and not evil” his words are indeed true . From a lost, confused soul to an entity of mysticism, this has been my life in the last couple of months. We all have emotions that are In charge of our lives and we can’t get rid of them even if we try. Pain became my friend from the moment i was able to decipher between Good and evil. . But you see, the thing is you really can’t talk about or confide with anyone about what’s going on with you. I’ve tried but nobody seems to understand or share my pain with me. Pain aside, these bottled up emotions hiding somewhere in my mind, at the slightest convinence they show up uninvited.

. Off course at some point in my life I thought numbing them would be okay, but did it work? Did they really go away anytime I got high?. The stuff is you really can’t smoke or drink your pain away, you only suppressed them sooner or later in life they’ll show up stronger and larger than ever before. Almost feels like I’m among the humans this emotion “pain” chose, ranging from life threatening heartbreaks to being in a group where you weren’t valued and off course life being miserable&unfair. Even though you really thought you could fit in you just couldn’t. What is the essence of pain, will all this be worth it in the end?. Oh well I guess you can’t live a life without pain here on earth.

. Yes Pain is part of the human experience and existence, but is it fair some experience it more than the others, but then again life itself is unfair. The ways we tend to numb this agonizing feeling is always unacceptable and life threatening. Before you judge a person for smoking or taking drugs, do you ever wonder why he’s doing it? Off course they’re people who take it for the thrills and feeling, but I’m not talking about those. You think everybody is like you? Your life is perfect you think that’s how it is every where in the world. Because they don’t show you, you tend to believe everything is okay. Oh how wicked and selfish of you. Some of us started feeling pain at a very young age.

. Pain made me embrace it with open hands, if I could prevent that from happening would I do it? After all the society makes you think if you can’t handle pain you not worthy to be called a man. Is it right for one to be endlessly consumed in pain? I’ll choose physical pain over mental pain and emotional pain, if I could transmute. my mental pain to physical pain I’ll gladly do so. Somehow it has mastered the places to hide in my head, waiting to pop up and disturb the little harmony and peace I’ve gathered. Somehow it makes me question my existence if all this is really worth it. Music has always been my companion, somehow music speak to our souls in ways that can be hard to put into words. In a world of thousands of artiste, Juice WRLD and XXXTENTACION are artiste that really standout. They comfort me, they make me feel whole, this might sound weird but they actually feed my soul. When I can’t handle everything no more i just locked myself inside my room, playing their songs on maximum volume to make me forget everything. I get judged a lot for listening to their songs, I was called jobless once. But little do these peasants know that they’re songs makes me feel whole. X’s songs makes me feel like he shares my pain with me, but nobody seems to notice when I get alone, no body seems to notice when i can’t take it anymore. I guess nobody seems to care after all we live in a world where it’s “ all man for himself”. Juice made me realize heartbreaks and getting walked on is part of life, too bad I didn’t realize that on time. I gave myself, my soul, heart and mind well at the end it wasn’t enough. At the end, you’ll be left alone with your broken soul to fix. I don’t advise anyone not to fall in love or turn cold when you get hurt, love is beautiful the feeling of being in love is wonderful, all I’m saying is no matter how good and caring that person is ALWAYS PROTECT YOUR HEART. It is said that “Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. That really great men must, I think, have great sadness on Earth”.

. Before I became sober, couple of times I took a lot substances to take the pain away, it only made me feel better for a little while, most times I found myself endlessly crying while high which was quite absurd, because the reason I took this substance was to be okay, happy and definitely not to feel more sad and lost. Indeed you can’t run away from pain and bottled up emotions no matter how hard you try, no matter how many women you sleep with no matter how many drugs and blunts you take PAIN WILL ALWAYS BE THERE WATCHING YOU AND YOUR EVERY MOVE.

. I always tell people close to me I want to be alone, they never seem to understand why. Being alone is one way I combat my feelings and think straight. Oh yes I’m alone but I crave more, I choose to be alone rather than confiding in people that don’t understand. All what I’ve written up to this point nobody knows about it, I know no human will give a sh** at the end OBVIOUSLY. They say tracing the emotion to the beginning will allow me combat it and be free from it, to be extremely honest with you I can’t trace it to anywhere. It just happened, next thing i know I’m consumed in this endlessly misery.

. You know what more PAINFUL and confusing, is how the. painful experiences, memories and feelings keeps piling up. There’s no stopping it, no pausing it, right now I’m fine within the shortest possible time I’m lost and insane.

Nobody’s coming to save me, so I might as well strive to save myself. One thing about pain and bottled emotions is it’s breaks you it doesn’t end there it lives you unmoored.

. You could. have a family and still be in pain.

. You can have friends and still be in pain.

. You can even have a girlfriend and still be in pain.

.

Oh pain thought me Alot of things, it made me realize I’m alone and nobody will come save you. Just few people, if you have someone you can talk to about what’s going on with you, you’re indeed lucky and you should cherish those people. Pain thought me transmutation of energy, life has given each and every one of us LEMONS now it’s up to us to make. LEMONADES. Pain thought me to rely on myself on my darks times, when you’re in pain you really know the real ones, the people who are really with you. Once you’ve start experiencing pain, there’s no going back it’s stuck with & to you. I was so good at concealing it all these years up until the moment I was instructed to write on it, I would have continued hiding it far away from the eye and perception of family and those I come in contact with.

. Do you know how it feels, when you’re in a battle with pain and betrayal. It got so bad that a teacher of mine noticed these changes, i didn’t mean to tell her everything but I just did. She was an Empath in this situation, her words of encouragement really brought me out from a dark place.

I took every pain killer out there but all to no avail, LIFE ITSELF IS WEIRD. Just a quick question can we control pain?, I just couldn’t talk to anyone concerning what I was going through, I just couldn’t.

This is real life not everybody has your best interests at heart, don’t reveal too much about your pain and suffering to people. They won’t understand your struggles, don’t show weakness around worthless people, they won’t comprehend what you’re going through. Not everybody deserves to know the DEMONS YOU’RE BATTLING.

What if I told you I’m scared of experiencing new traumatic experiences, I can’t keep doing this I don’t want to do this. But then again they say face your fears, as a man shying away from your fears makes you a bitch and phony. But what if a soul can’t just take it anymore, Pain indeed is. inevitable. Pain is a burden one must bear forever and I really hope it’s not so. My mind on the hand was completely lost and confused, nothing was working. everything was blurry and distorted. Pain, betrayal, suffering we’ve seen it all, there are levels to these emotions but what we’ve faced took a toll and left us with unending misery and wounds. As if that wasn’t enough, let me just put this here, there are people ( such as myself) that their emotions and feelings somehow find their way in our dreams. Now I employ you to make your own research, it’s something I can’t explain I don’t want to sound gibberish. But the subconscious mind has a way of letting these things affect our dreams, I have a dream journal where I record my dreams. I do this because dreams are seen as mirrors and messagers. With this I’ve been able to spot some patterns in my dreams and I recommend this.

I’m trying my best not to feel ashamed for revealing too about myself and my mind, everything here is true and unfiltered. It’s all raw and real. Crying myself to sleep was the only way out in most cases, I’m isolated I just want to live and enjoy my life in segregation for my own sake and sanity. Now I’m sober there isn’t much I can do when these emotions creep in my mind, I just sit with it to get some clarity on what’s going on, why it’s happening again and how I can make it stop bothering me.

. 1:30 am -3/12/2023 contemplating if I should go on with this article or just find something new to talk about. Well I have to continue, writing this article was a divine instruction which must be fulfilled. As I go to sleep tonight waking up in different place won’t be a bad idea.

. Currently practicing a philosophy called stoicism ( which is an Ancient Greek philosophy). Stoicism has revealed to me different layers of life and emotions that I never for once imagined existed. Now there’s something that really stood out and took my attention in stoicism, that is the ability to look unbothered and cold when overwhelmed by a situation. Now I’ve been using this technique for a while now, and it’s been helping me. This makes me conceal my problems better, but it’s more confusing and complicated than I can explain.

Well that all changed, this spiritual awakening really changed alot of things. This feeling I’ve been trying to get rid off, well I just discovered I can’t do it alone anymore. We all as humans got something we’re dealing with worries, pain and fears. These are emotions that are capable of ruining a person’s whole life, well that won’t happen if you have JESUS, I built a relationship with him and ever since then it’s been amazing. The pain and bottled women somehow disappeared but however I have to be careful with how I move and what I do, one wrong direction can cause them spiraling out of control.

. He has to be the only comforter, if only you believe and accept him whole heartedly. From another perspective I view why I’ve experienced all this pain and suffering but then it might just be a “soul contract “. A soul’s contract is group LESSONS OR painful experiences a soul must experience while incarnate in the human body and realm. I’m very spiritual so I believe everything in life actually happens for a particular reason ( LAW OF CAUSE AND EFFECT), Or there’s something somewhere I just can’t wrap my head around.

Jesus made me realize there’s actually a BRIGHT light at the end of the tunnel when you walk with him, crying and wallowing in pain won’t stop the experience, rather it just keeps getting worse and hard. Jesus has assured you he’ll take your. pain away, he mends all broken heart’s, all lost and confused souls who seek him are never disappointed rather they find solace in his warm embrace.

But then again we all have something called FREEWILL, you could decide now to seek comfort and healing from Jesus the comforter and healer or you continue looking for vain and wrong ways to numb your pain and feelings. Remember one from these options is free and his goodness and mercy maketh all things whole on the other hand your health and sanity are at stake. But to be honest how long will you wallow in this mess and misery? What will you do with your pain or rather what have you done with it?.

This concept or emotion called “pain” I’m deciphering is beyond the conception of humanity, even God feels pain. If you’re wondering what I mean by this, I’ll take you back in time. God felt pain when he destroyed the earth during the time of Noah and in his remorse he made a covenant with him and the RAINBOW was the sign of his covenant. With the way things are in the world right now. do you think God is happy or glad with the actions carried out my humans?. Pain is special, pain is weird, pain is extraordinary most importantly pain is a TEACHER.

. How many friendships and relationships have you lost because of the scars you’ve not healed from, how heavy is the pain in your chest?, how stressful is the burden on your shoulders?.

Nobody knows how many times you’ve cried, no one has an idea of how many times you fought with your demons, neither do they know you battled with your own Mind. Here you are still standing and thriving, take it from someone who understands what you’ve been through I’M PROUD OF YOU.

At some point it’s going to get Real, at some points it’s going to seem unending and destructive. You don’t have the power to change what’s happening to you, but you have the power to change how you react to situations like this. Never give up, when the pain seems unbearable that’s when you need to stay strong, SUICIDE is never the answer or solution. Never give in to suicidal thoughts please don’t listen to those intrusive thoughts and voices in your head. There’s always a bright light at the end of the tunnel, it’s worth the wait just hang in there.

Being an EMPATH, in this type of situation is weird you could be battling your own mentals and all of a sudden someone’s just pop up with their own sob story. Before you know it you’re absorb in someone’s else’s pain and misery

More pain has just been added. Do you see how difficult this is?.

. The death of my pain so to say, ended when i started understanding the mysteries of the world we live in. With my own perspective I deeply understand when they say “God works in mysterious ways”. Glory be to him who created earthly men, and has revealed great mysteries unto them!”, you can’t do it alone ask God to make you whole again. Pain takes a lot of energy and space it our lives. It prevents us from living our lives to the fullest, it makes everything around us gloomy and distorted. The more pain and bottled up emotions you hide the more sadder, depressing and frustrating your life gets. Like I said earlier it’s going to get worse more painful and traumatic experiences will still occur, are you sure you can keep numbing them? Ignorance is another factor that allow pain grow and becomes firm in one’s life. Pain=suffering=Anger=hate= frustration=death. The list and lines keeps getting deeper and more unbearable, sure you might be good at hiding your pain and suffering like me, but how long do you think you can, I want you to know the longer you keep it in the more sadder and confused you become.

. May I also remind you that numbing it with substance won’t help, pray to God through Jesus and beg him to help you with the burden you’re feeling. If this didn’t work for me I won’t be recommending it to you, even without you praying the moment you start waking and connecting with God he makes your life whole and grants you this unexplainable inner peace and strength that you never for once believed existed, that’s one of the perks of walking with Christ. You have the ability to transmute your pain to wisdom which is one way to heal and understand this “mystery” called PAIN.

We all as “humans” at some point have experience pain. There are levels to this emotions, you won’t know what people are going. through until they open up to you.

Now what am I trying to say is, I want you to treat everyone you come across with love. When someone comes to with their pain if you’re not an Empath atleast be a good listener, keep the Golden rule at the back of your mind “do to others what you want to be done to you” believe me when I say there’s a priceless reward for being good. A little piece of advice to fellow Empath’s, most times OBSERVE DON’T ABSORB.

And the thing is that I really know those engross in pain, I really know those Lost and confused. Most people aren’t even experiencing the pain they claim. they do. You can fool others but remember you can’t fool me. Pain has its own energy and I can sense and feel it.

. I’m sorry if life isn’t treating you right, I’m sorry if they used your vulnerability against you, I’m sorry if it seems nobody cares. I’m sorry if you’re emotionally and mentally exhausted. You’re not alone we’ve all been there, but only you can save yourself if I could save you believe me I would, drugs will never heal you, this I tell you for free.

Pain, bottled emotions and all our traumatic experiences and memories build up what is called. a “shadow self”. This Particular shadow is the representation of all our suppressed emotions and feeling, you know when you’re chilling then all of a sudden you get hit with a flood of sadness, you go from being happy to sad and lost in a matter of seconds yes that’s your shadow self popping up. All what this shadow wants is acceptance and to be acknowledged by you, but that’ll be difficult for us to accept. Because nobody wants to sit their pain no more, yes I understand it’s difficult but the more we hide our shadow self the more we’re hindering ourselves from peace. Don’t forget the shadow is you, indirectly you’re scared to face your dark self. Most people don’t know this, that’s why they think some thing is wrong with them. Hey nothing is wrong with you just accept your dark side. From a optimistic perspective, the Shadow self is a gateway to a lot of untouched and hidden potential if only you can tap into it, All your favorites heartbreak songs has their roots in the artist shadow self. This potential can be found if you acknowledge and connect with your shadow self, embrace your darker side.

I got so engrossed with pain, it turned me cold and I made some decisions out of anger. I just want to be aware and calm but life keeps more throwing me punches. The worst type of anger is the one birthed through pain, I was taught to forgive and overlook the people that caused me pain. Which I did but most times I just want to give them a taste of their own medicine, we were cool but why did you move the way you did? So I should just overlook what you did?. It’s for my own sanity and peace butttttt I’ll reserve my comments. We all know pain disturbs the order of peace in our lives, but how come for no reason more and more keeps finding ways into our lives. Is all this a test, I have alot of questions bothering me. I’m sorry if I got too vulnerable or I threw you off guard but this is just a fraction of the emotion in my mind. This is where forgiveness comes in, this is where vengeance comes in. What if we traumatize them back will that give us a lot peace or sanity. Might as well put all my sorrows into writing. We get judged for possessing this emotion, no body really cares, what a sad truth, the feeling of being LOST always trying to creep into my mind, not a chance you’ve had your fun now it’s time for you to go. “Returning the pain isn’t the answer”, should we agree to this statement?

. Jesus has been faithful, and for. that I’m very grateful. Oh lord if you can hear I need more peace and love within me. Pain is indeed stressful.

*Did I cry while writing this article?

*Did writing this article make me feel better?

*Did some traumatic memories resurface while I was writing this article?

*what do you think pain is?

*This article is specifically dedicated to all the survivors out there, may peace locate us all once more.

Now these are questions I’ll let you answer.

. I just figured the pain never ended all these years they just hid. I’d rather prefer they see me naked than vulnerable. I don’t want to go too deep or get vulnerable so I’d rather end it here. Thanks for reading this far.

I can’t think or act straight when the pain gets too much, everything is so painful. Jason are you okay, oh yes I’m fine, how do i say I’m not will they even understand my story. Do they deserve to know my story and feeling.

. Reminiscing on the sweet and beautiful memories keeps me smiling when past trauma events and memories creeps into my mind. It gets eerie and dark in my mind most times but I strongly have faith in my lord Jesus few years from now I’ll look back and smile and be amazed on how far I’ve come, I believe he alone can heal and make me whole again. He said in his Word;

Psalm 34:12 : The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 147:3: He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

Revelation 21:22: He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

DEDICATION:

And I also want to appreciate a wonderful friend of mine who was there, while I was at my Lowest. Her name is Tamaraseri, you’re such an amazing soul and I pray everything works out well for you.

Thank you very much I won’t forget your help.