I Want A Finished Man
Am I asking for too much? Oju kan sha ni ada ni(The cutlass is sharp on just one side)
I’m in the car and he is steering the conversation. Like he has been doing the entire journey. I have my I’m tired of listening smile on my face but apparently codes are hard to decipher for this homo sapiens. He continues,
“so what do you look for in a man?”
I immediately open my mouth to answer, like starving Tilapia who sees the biggest worm in its entire marine existence. Big mistake! He is a smooth talker, don’t blame me too much. I only realised that I had made a mistake weeks later. Shine* and I am having a conversation about how people can be good actors whenever they put their foot into it and he immediately comes to mind.
But I know this! I’ve always known this, so why did I open my mouth, whaaaaaa and download all this information to this son of Adam knowing that he could very well and very easily channel his inner Thespis? Oh boy and did he?!
I have learnt my lesson, the hard way but I learnt!
Now,
Him: “What do you look for in a guy/romantic interest?”
Me: (side eyes him in fellow actor mode) “When I see and observe those traits I will know.”
No be me una go carry enter one chance again!
“You are a maze, Daphne. I can hardly figure you out.”
“Duh! It’s part of the charm.”
Many people in my life are curious about my love life. The most shocking one was when an acquaintance told me he thought I was lesbian.
“What is her kind of man like? What makes her tick? Does she have a type? What gets her attention?”
I like that my almost non-existent love life is one of my most intriguing mysteries. That was not originally the plan, I just tend to share and overshare with a very select few who actually stay true to my; “Please keep this to yourself”. My circle is the best for real! Also, I want to turn some of my experiences into stories so you can understand why I cannot divulge everything.
Unto the main gist.
This entire article is about me unravelling a little bit of the mystery.
I’m seated in the park, we’re all sweaty and tired, waiting for the bus to get filled with passengers before we embark on our bumpy journey when this guy waltzed in with a petite pretty lady. Both of them looked just a couple of years older than I am. What struck me was how even without the overt, sometimes nauseating PDA characteristic of a lot of love birds these days, it was obvious these guys were a couple.
The little endearing glances, the way he secured a shady area for her to sit while we all waited, how she helped him brush off a speck of dust that had settled on his face cap. And it was when he went down on one knee to attend to some discomfort in her feet, in public, that I pinched myself to confirm I was not watching a Kdrama RomCom where they cast Nigerians as leads.
I couldn’t fight it, I was beaming from ear to ear watching them. How could I not? Their love for each other was palpable. There was this unspoken surrender in their eyes as they looked at each other: “You have my all, I have your all”. For the first time in a long time, I said my “God when?” silently and meant it deep down in my heart. Unfortunately, it seemed like I was the only one this couple was giving goals.
I had been so entranced, staring and smiling that I almost missed the snickers and sneers from some of the other guys seated and the driver. I pretended to adjust my seating position and leaned in to do a little ofofo and that’s when I got the gist. This Nigerian guy showing such care and attention to his woman was rubbing these traditional men the wrong way. Their discomfort was too glaring to hide. The driver’s comment was what annoyed me the most:
“Na wa o. Una neva marry, see as she don give you efo chop”, and the others laughed. I made sure to glare at each of them individually. The couple ignored the comments.
Love Like the Morning Dew
To me, it appeared as though this couple had reached a level of intimacy which for me is one of the highest forms of intimacy; vulnerability. Surrender can be hard and if you’re lucky enough in this lifetime to have someone surrender their all to you and yours to them, you can stop searching! In my society, this vulnerability, and intimacy of this nature is interpreted as negative.
This is especially obvious in the names used to describe it; mumu button, Ode, woman wrapper, and the latest one, finished man/woman. Once a man who is enamoured by his woman, talks and walks his talk, he is ridiculed and labelled the above names by his peers, his family and society at large.
That’s why you’ll visit a family where the husband is assisting his wife with the chores but once they hear friends or family at the door, he drops the pestle faster than Flash and dashes to the sitting room to hold the remote control. Whoever composed that irritating nursery song; “Mother in the kitchen cooking rice, father in the parlour watching the film?” These are the issues!
Here, such soft men who are in tune with their emotions are more often than not believed to be under a spell. If not, why else would you love your woman and make it obvious that you do?
As for me, myself and I, I want a finished man. I will not lie and say vulnerability is not hard. It is excruciatingly difficult but I’m willing to put in the work and I expect my man to reciprocate too.
Love that does not hold back
That is precisely what I want! A guy I was once on a talking stage with got really irritated with me because I cried while we were watching a movie. In my head, I said, unku, bye-bye o! The man I want should not be scared by emotions and tears. I want him to be able to bear the nudity of his soul to me and graciously handle the nudity of mine.
I do not want a hard guy. I know it’ll be hard to find in this society but the couple at the park showed me that these men in fact do exist! I mean, if I cannot show you my crying self, snot and all, what makes you entitled to my Duchenne smile? If you cannot confide your struggles in me, how am I your lover? That hard guy thing will never appeal to me. Move it along, please! I’m “exposing” this requirement because this is something that’s hard to fake. If e didn’t dey, e didn’t dey!
So yes, I want a finished man because even, I’m ready to be a finished woman. A finished woman and an unfinished man do not gel well together and vice versa. Finished people go together like Bonnie and Clyde. Okay, maybe not the best representation but you get my drift.
So PSA: if you’re a hard guy and you’re not ready to work on it, don’t move to me, please and thank you!
*(Actual name was changed to protect the privacy of the individual)
Glossary (For my non-Nigerian readers)
*No be me una go carry one chance again: Once bitten, twice shy!
*Ofofo: Gossip
*Efo: Equivalent to a love spell
*Mumu button: Stupidity button
*Ode: A fool
*Woman wrapper: A henpecked man
* If he didn’t dey, e didn’t dey: This can’t be faked
Thank you for reading! 😊
