I Want to Eat My Baby
Sounds insane, right? I promise you, it’s not what it seems.
As she lays here napping on top of me, all of ten weeks old, with her perfect little sausage body and big head of blond duck-fluff hair, I feel a love so strong it bounces and knocks inside of me, struggling to break free.
I love her so much it hurts. I want to squeeze her. I want to eat her.
I look at her eyes that she inherited from me, already the shape of mine. I know what she’s thinking as her face changes because mine moves the same way. Her expressions mirror my own. She jangles around, Humpty Dumpty with noodle arms and legs. I can’t stop thinking about how she looks like a claymation movie. I cannot handle the gratitude I feel to have her, that she is mine. It emanates from me in waves. A double edged sword because the swell of love surges forward, and as it ebbs I immediately worry something bad is going to happen to her.
It took until she was born for me to be excited about her arrival. I had a miscarriage before. A horrible gut-wrenching divorce from a spouse that smiled as he would tell me I was nothing and no one loved me. Health scares that I was told would make it hard for me to carry a baby to term. Somewhere along the way I realized that I was letting the things that happened to me define me, instead of realizing that we create our own reality. We are the energy we release into the world after all. Maybe what I’ve been releasing is a dark cloud. Energy heavy with metal and tar.
All of us hold within ourselves the power to change and dictate our own lives. Probably I spent too long putting the blame on who wields that power elsewhere.
Since she’s been born, I’ve been feeling… Happy. Light. Lucky. I’ve only felt lucky a few times in my life. It’s always been so fleeting. But here, now? I’m so lucky. I’m the luckiest lady alive to have this fat chonker of a babe.
So I resist the urge to kiss her cheek for the trillionth time today. I look at her perfect open mouth and her blond wisps that are her eyebrows, and I feel rooted. Connected to this body I inhabit, this life’s journey that led me to this moment, vibrating with lighter energy. I love her and love her as she naps, the world spinning madly on.
