Running away from my problems were toxic habits that I learned growing up. I didn't take responsibility for my actions, didn't admit my mistakes, and often blamed someone else who seemed less confident than me.
Though I considered myself to be independent of my circle, it was all a ploy to hide my cowardice. I felt it was too much to handle. Because I thought I only amount to this much.
Despite my own biases, I strongly object to imposing limitations. Yet, I was slowly becoming one. I was limiting myself to fit my prospect’s compliments. I was fitting myself into a smaller circle that got me gasping for air. I was looking down on being loud on my own colors. If I don’t fit in, then I don’t matter at all. This was the very core of my own peer pressure because I grew up unfamiliar with my own strengths. And so, I survived through imitation. Without knowing that I am losing myself in the process of which I do not know what I want at all.
So, I learn to run away. I cannot handle strong arguments from people I look up to and people I want to be looked upon. I always knew before I utter my mouth that it was a losing battle to fight my own beliefs on people that I modeled my beliefs in. Because amidst it all, it was truly hurting to understand that you do not belong to a place at all. There was nothing a part of my existence that I can call the root of my identity. Slowly as tears wet my pillows, slowly as the dawn rises up my window, slowly as I was getting tired of my own demons — I learned to love it all.
I learned to love the melancholy of my identity — of not knowing where I fit in. Because I was my own home — I was neither independent of people nor I was independent of my own acceptance. Truly, there is nothing greater in the whole individuality of my existence than knowing the complexity of who am I and why am I here in this world. As my energy is wearing thin on exhaustion of welcoming people in my life, I shut my inferiority complex by welcoming my own sharp edges. I learned that I cannot give what I do not have. Nor I can take what I do not deserve.
I cannot give accountability without having it in the first place. I must stop blaming others who are far better than my complex, so I can boost my ego. I must accept that there are things — no matter how I wish — I cannot have at all. Before I start asking more from people, I should fill the thirst for my own acknowledgment. So little by little, I am learning to become patient and lenient with my trials and errors. I keep in mind that it is not an easy process at all. I will be surprised, disgusted, confused, and enchanted by my own being because I knew I need to stop measuring my growth on others’ standards.
Missing out on purpose is the gift of compassion for my worn-out heart. Until I am ready to face things with a relaxed ambiance, I will stay in my own bubble learning and re-learning my own existence. I may be used to running away, but I believe it isn’t an entirely bad thing at all. I cannot blame my past self for decisions that she didn’t know better. But I do know that I don’t need to seek validation by becoming loud about my own colors.
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