Lean Into It

Apathy is yesterday’s emotion.

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Why is it that expressing negative emotions is often received with looks of ire and derision?

Complaining or feeling bad is immediately met with waves of overwhelming “BE POSITIVES” or “IT COULD BE WORSE”.

The cacophony of allusions to looking on the brighter side almost makes you want to live in darkness, purely out of spite. If we were truly being honest, there is NOTHING worse than feeling like shit and having to HIDE IT TOO. It is 2023, and we are done pretending, let's leave the too-cool-for-school, apathetic, nothing-gets-to-me facade in the past where it rightfully belongs.

So, let me tell you how I felt on a particularly bad day last year. I woke up fine, but that’s literally where it stops. As my morning got away from me, my coffee had become lukewarm leaving that all too familiar water ring on my table, and I had a groan-inducing realisation, that I had no clean clothes left in my closet.

What did I do to feel better, you may ask? I bought something that I didn’t need… Which felt good, till realisation kicked me in the gut when I heard that all too familiar *ding* on my phone, apprising me of my current bank balance. Which made me crawl into my duvet fortress to binge-watched YouTube videos and cry. A LOT.

Was I crying because I was broke? A little bit, but that’s where I checked my privilege at the door, because I had enough cushion and my parents to fall back on, so really… what was the deal here? Some triggers may seem superficial, but often, much like icebergs, they go much deeper.

So I held myself together long enough to grab a snack, silencing the roaring in my stomach, before readying myself for what I was about to do.

Inhale…. 1.2.3.4

Exhale….1.2.3.4

Inhale….Exhale….

I let my mind drift, allowing it to dive deep, losing myself in thought and emotion. I opened the floodgates. Unleashed the Kraken. I let all the bad and negative things I thought and felt come forward.

I RELEASED THEM from the flimsy box I had shoved them into, in the back of my mind.

I stopped hiding under the pretence of “I’m fine” because I wasn’t. I’d been feeling low for a while, just going through the motions, waiting, for day to become night. Rinse. Repeat.

Frankly, pretending I wasn’t dying inside was exhausting.

So now, if you asked me, mid-dry-heave, tears and snot leaking unabashed down my face— WHY are you crying?

I’d tell you that I’d had a hard few months, which led to an inescapable feeling of being unaccomplished. Stagnant. A FAILURE.

I’ve spent the past few months in and out of the hospital, and once again I was without work — I had to resign from a job I liked because I simply couldn’t cope.

I was crying because I felt listless, and drained from constantly having to restart my life. Don’t get me wrong, having a fresh start is always good, rebuilding, and re-evaluating are important. Checking in with yourself to make sure you are where you want to be, should be a regular practice.

But this time, I was left with more questions than answers, like — What do I do now? And more importantly — Who do I want to be?

My mind was clouded with fear. Fear of failure, fear of judgement, fear of not being able to pick that ideal outcome, where I was not only doing what I loved, but I was also excelling at it. The fact that I wasn’t even close made me feel like a failure, and I was drowning in it.

I had no idea what I wanted to do, how could I even begin to excel at it?

I felt pathetic, the part of me that knows that we don’t need to hold ourselves to arbitrary timelines, or adhere to the rules of the rat race. I was being heavily bullied by the part of me that wanted to be successful and well-reputed.

Now every other positivity guru would tell you, that how you speak to yourself matters, and they aren’t wrong. Kind words matter, and being positive has its place, but having said that, being honest matters a little more.

This doesn't mean that you get to wield your words like a sword with an intent to harm, what it does mean, however, is that you shouldn’t pretend that your negative thoughts don’t exist. Don’t lie to yourself, and don’t say things are fine when they aren’t.

You cannot tell yourself something you don’t believe and hope it changes you.

Spending time with yourself, to really be honest and admit the all too scary “I’m not fine” is the FIRST step to being fine.

All that ugliness you’re trying to hide? All that toxic stuff that’s gotten inside your head needs to leave, and you need to show it the way out. So how exactly do you show your thoughts the door? It’s not like thoughts are tangible, nor is there a physical door knob you can turn.

Do you vocalise or write them down? Do you work out or create art? Do you scream?

In all honesty, the how doesn’t matter— Do what works for you (though I do advocate against violence), and find a way to release it — it has to leave your body somehow.

Here's something I learned a few years ago from an amazing therapist.

1. Grab yourself a pen and a piece of paper
2. Close your eyes
3. Harness all your anger and pain and channel it to your hand, allowing it to move across the page unfettered.

She timed me for 30 seconds and in that 30 seconds I mutilated that page, and when I was done, I felt lighter.

Doing this didn’t really solve the very real issues complicating my life at that juncture, but, the action of channelling my pain and frustration, and releasing it was cathartic. It somehow managed to relieve the heaviness that was tethering me to my bed.

I’m not promising this works for everyone, but, I can attest to the fact that the more I deny something, the more it consumes me. It whittles its way into the back of my mind, slowly inching forward, the denial of my emotions only made them that much more prominent.

Forcing yourself not to think about something like, say … a pink elephant, is a sure-fire way to be thinking about a pink elephant at 3:00 am, definitely.

So I lean into it, I especially lean into the emotions that I want to hide away.

Our minds and bodies have become so accustomed to feigning false positivity, the rejection of negativity is second nature. But it's those very morsels that incite shame, and trigger our instincts to lie to ourselves, which need to be felt, soothed and processed.

It is important to accept imperfection, failure, and negativity as a part of growth. Every setback and stumble means that you have a starting point from which to progress.

So what exactly was the point of my spiel?

All I’m saying is that it doesn’t have to be “FINE”. Negativity, failure, ugliness, and imperfection are the hallmarks of living a real and full life. They happen to everyone, even the most perfect of us.

It doesn’t matter if someone has it worse or better, or if your problems are “first world problems”, give yourself the grace to feel them.

It doesn't matter whether you’re hustling or not, or whether someone else is perfect, this is your life, give yourself room to grow.

Don’t run someone else’s race, or live by standards you did not set. Feel the frustration of your bad days. Feel your lowest lows and the deepest of your blues. Feel it now, feel it all, so that you don’t have to carry it with you.

Lean into the misery.

Try again tomorrow, and live more the next day.