Letters To My "Ex"
Unsent words, leftovers from a failed situationship
September 24, 2023
Dearest Archenemy,
As I write this, I laugh. I’m sitting against a wall with my legs drawn to my chest, laughing. I have mucus coming out of my nose, but I’m laughing. My eyes are swollen, but I’m laughing. Tears are flowing down my face. I am laughing.
I'm laughing because you hurt me… no, I allowed you to hurt me.
Have you listened to Beyonce’s Halo? Can you recall the first stanza? Well, I tumbled my walls down, and as much as I hate to admit, they put up a fight.
And, not just any fight… they fought like crazy.
The Taiping Rebellion got nothing on my walls. They asked if you were worth it; if what you offered held value beyond shallow pleasure. They asked whether I found satisfaction. They questioned my certainty surrounding whether I needed more. But I shut them out.
I always thought it impossible… you know, shutting out your walls. But I managed a miracle. For you, I built a wall to shut my walls out.
This is becoming sad and I hate sadness. So, let's talk about laughter. You're probably still wondering why I'm laughing.
I'm laughing because it's my coping mechanism. I'm laughing because I've realized that there's no one as stupid as me.
There is a certain mix of stupidity and madness necessary to believe a guy who tells you he wants you but isn’t ready for a relationship, loves you. There’s a peculiar amount of neediness required of a person who finds pleasure in the touch of someone who strings you along for a year and four months.
A plausible excuse is that I didn’t realize it, but I honestly knew. Don’t ask why I stayed -I’d lie if I tried answering because I’m just as clueless as you.
Maybe it was “hope” — that evil mirage, that readily presented itself, as it often does to those naive enough to desire a flourishing orchard among the desert sands.
All I know for certain is that I died a little every day I spent hoping.
Have you ever heard the phrase, "It’s the hope that kills"? The human who thought it up is very wise.
September 27, 2023
Dearest Pinocchio:
People say heartbreak hurts. But I’ve discovered something that hurts more than heartbreak. It’s watching the person who broke your heart move on while you’re stuck where things went sour.
I’ve been watching you since we ended. I’ve checked your status often and it appears as if you’ve left me behind in the pain. It seems like you’ve moved on -like you’ve gotten over me.
I know this is selfish but I want you to cry.
I want you to stay away from people. I want you to get drunk and hungover. But all I see is you smiling, going out with friends, and making cute little videos with that girl.
That girl; I don’t know her, but I hate her.
September 30, 2023
Dear "ex",
Today I tried talking to a friend about us but it was a completely futile effort. I could not bring myself to admit that I, whom all of our mutual friends and acquaintances consider superhuman, fell so hard.
I couldn’t tell him that you only ever saw me in secret. I was too ashamed to admit that I crossed too many boundaries for you.
Most importantly, I still care too much about you to soil your name. I know that I shouldn’t protect you, but maybe I’m not over you yet.
Maybe somewhere in the crevices of my heart, I still hope you will come back to me and say you actually want to date me now.
I know I broke us off, but if you ask me to be your girlfriend now, I’d fall into your arms and kiss you as if life depended upon it. I never wanted us to end, I only grew tired of how undefined we were.
October 4, 2023
Dear "ex",
You may have noticed that I now refer to you as my "ex". Based on what I know of you, you’d object to the title if you ever read these letters.
You’d probably argue that we never dated. Well, you’ll never read them and frankly, I do not care (or I’m trying not to).
You see, it’s been a few weeks and I’ve realized you’re never coming back. Oh well, that’s not a surprise especially considering you came into my life as abruptly as you’ve now left.
I ought to be angry at the audacity of your unsolicited messages. I should laugh at the clumsy introduction you sent as your first text, but I still find it cute every time I read it.
Yeah, that reminds me -I’ve gone over all of our texts seven times.
Yes, every single word from beginning to end.
This is the point where I say my farewell; I should move on with my life, shouldn’t I?
I’ll come back to this page when I feel the sting of tears in my eyes again. I hope I can get over you as soon as I’d like.
Ciao, until I hate you again.
