Living Deliberately UnBound
I summoned courage and shared my story.
Having received an abundance of support and encouragement, I wrote and published my story. My voice resonates out in the world, sharing the truths I needed to express. However, a voice within me whispers that this isn't the conclusion. I have continued to speak and write, shifting my focus toward sharing and learning. Nonetheless, each piece I pen is creating a divide between my emotions and the memories I fearlessly uncovered.
Beneath my attempts to make sense of my life lay genuine emotions - the ones I am aware that I have avoided. The closure I anticipated after revealing my story publicly had not materialized as I had expected; however, though buried, I could label those emotions: Resentment.
Did they ever comprehend the impact of their actions? Did a trace of remorse touch their hearts? Did anyone bring to their attention the exposure of my truth?
I ached for my abusers to grasp and feel the resentment and shame I carried, emotions that rightfully belonged to them. Simultaneously, the prospect of unveiling their hidden transgressions evoked a peculiar mix of fear and satisfaction.
Yet, would their discomfort genuinely satisfy my thirst for justice? Or fulfill my longing to have been aware of alternative life choices? Probably not.
Recovering from sexual abuse, particularly as a child, remains an ongoing battle. It molds a person in ways imperceptible to others. Survivors understand this, persisting in a lifelong journey to reconcile the unimaginable.
However, the end of the traumatic ordeal doesn't signify the conclusion of the journey. For me, it marks the inception of a continuous process: Unlocking, Unlearning, and becoming UnBound.
Following trauma, two paths emerge: divulge the secret or forever bury it. Regardless of the choice, survivors continue to combat their struggles. Some navigate the murky emotional waters of life after trauma, emerging resilient and pure like a lotus rising to the surface. However, others find themselves overburdened or succumbing to the despair of powerlessness, addiction, or evasion.
Some, like me, oscillate between striving and surrendering, only to realize that the coping mechanisms we once chose no longer serve us.
Even if we elect to speak up or confront our abusers, closure remains elusive. The experience perpetually lingers. We learn to acknowledge it, but can we attain closure without harboring resentment and victim mentality in its aftermath?
I acknowledge my capacity for change, to deviate from the past and shape alternative outcomes. Though, I find myself asking how much change lies within my control, and how much is destined? Do I possess the strength, endurance, and vigor to forge a different narrative, or must I embrace my current reality and make the most of it?
Is closure ever within reach? When does the feeling of "enough" finally arrive?
Over the years, I've contemplated countless what-ifs. What if I hadn't endured abuse, fled from home, suffered beatings, or crossed paths with certain individuals? Would my life have diverged if I had grasped the concept of boundaries? Could a single change have liberated me from my current struggles?
Where might I be? Who could I have become? Does the possibility of transformation endure?
These questions remain integral to my journey of UnBound Living.
"Extract value from the lessons of your trauma."
Viewing trauma as a gift doesn't resonate with me, or with you I imagine, but I can glean lessons from it. Reflecting on past experiences and discerning where boundaries were needed helps me understand both myself and others, while discernment guides me toward embracing certain circumstances.
I frequently remind myself that I'm no longer the person I once was. I've evolved from the confused and emotionally numb girl who took decades to comprehend values and morals post-trauma.
The instant I gained awareness, my life pivoted, and growth became a constant companion. Yet, old patterns resurface, occasionally inviting comparisons with others. During such moments, I step back, assessing my journey up to this tearful instant. I ponder what further actions I can take.
What else is possible?
- I can recognize my bravery and acknowledge the distance I’ve covered;
- I can tap into my energy, embracing present discomfort for future growth; and
- I can be intentional with my thoughts, emotions, and convictions, directing my focus towards my mind, body, and spirit.
When you contemplate your existence and purpose, change initiates an enduring odyssey. For I am brave, and I will persist in my conviction that there’s always something I can do to ensure I am Living Deliberately UnBound.
