My 15-Minutes of Silence Healed the Painful Bond with My Sister
An experiment worth trying!
Sarah is my little sister. I am 38. She is 32. But despite our mature age, our relationship is tense and traumatized. We grew up with different houses and parenting styles.
When I was born, my parents were University students. They could not take care of me. So I was raised by my grandmother while my mum and dad lived and studied in a different country. We were struggling financially. There was just enough food to survive, but no toys or other non-necessary luxuries. I spent most of my childhood playing in the garden with stones, mud, and flowers while speaking to our ants and cats. I was happy.
My sister was born when my mum and dad had already finished studying. They were working and owned a house. They were financially stable. My sister grew up in a more traditional family setup and spent most of her time playing indoors with soft toys, Legos, and colouring books.
Sara and I loved each other deeply. We shared beautiful moments as children, such as Friday night sleepovers, hiding to eat ice creams in the toilet, playing hide and seek, climbing our fig tree, and so much more.
However, I admit, I was a little envious of the love she was receiving and the bond she created with our parents. And from what she later confessed, she admired my freedom and careless character.
Then our mother started feeling depressed, suicidal, and physically and emotionally violent. I was her target, not Sara.
Our father wanted to protect Sara. He instructed me to be a mother figure for her with all responsibilities that this includes. I was responsible for her protection when our mother was abusive. She should never understand what was happening.
“She is only little. You are the big sister. Take responsibility. I am counting on you”, Dad always said.
I was just 12. How could I have all this pressure on me? How could I handle it? I was scared.
I hide my pain, feelings, and thoughts from her. I place her needs higher than mine. I value her happiness more than my happiness. From her perspective, I can only assume that she saw me as a controlling older sister with plenty of unsolicited advice and micromanagement behavior — and rightly so.
Fast-forward to now, Sarah has an invisible wall that separates us. She doesn’t allow me to get too close to her and doesn’t share any detailed information about her career, friends, relationships, holidays, or daily life.
We live close to each other physically but so far emotionally.
I can not accept that this is the relationship we are meant to have. It makes me sad. I want to create an honest, healthy, and open relationship with her. It might be impossible. I might never achieve it. But it is worth trying.
“Don’t fear failure. In great attempts, it is glorious even to fail.” — Bruce Lee.
I started sharing more and more about myself, my family, my thoughts, my career, and my hobbies. I invited her to events, dinners, coffees, and family days. Nothing was working.
The wall was still there.
While she was friendly, enjoying moments with us. She did not open up. I still knew nothing about her daily life, hobbies, likes, dislikes, opinions…
She did not open up. Suddenly it hit me when talking on the phone with my best friend…
“Stay silent”, my friend said.
“What like not talking at all?”, I said.
“Yes, stay silent for as long as it takes. Embrace the awkward silence. Allow her to start a conversation, and ask follow-up questions.”, my friend said.
So I did.
We were walking our dogs in the park. Complete silence. I could hear myself breathing. I felt uncomfortable.
After fifteen minutes of silence, she started talking. She shared information about her friends, how they spent their time, where they like going out, what restaurants they tried, and so much more.
The following hour was a window into my sister’s life. I learned more than ever before.
At that moment, a brick fell from her wall.
I never understood if I spoke too much and didn’t allow her to speak. I never understood why asking questions was not a good way to make her comfortable.
My 15 minutes of silence built a bridge between us. Now, we can recreate our relationship fresh from the start.
It's worth trying it.
