My search for silence in a life I never chose
What we all should have known about silence from the start
I was not naive. I was just 16, struggling for independence. In my attempt to take control of my life, I joined the growing space of teenage rebellion and flaunted a bitter disposition. My innocent life — an untamed wilderness, teemed with rivers and unconcealed sadness, the kind that they write eulogies about.
I was not selfish. I was young and youthful and exploring my salad days. I was desperate for attention and scrambling to fit in, constantly seeking comfort for my life that was and all that it could’ve been.
Springtime is the season of my youth spent subconsciously filling out the souls of every wrong person I have encountered. It is a story of my early days raising myself to self-destruct as far as I go.
Seeking refuge in friends
A normal life would’ve been perfect. A family that is complete, with mom and dad being together, and siblings being tight. A life where I don’t feel like a burden would’ve made the best part.
From a tender age, I was pulled into a realm of independence, with no parent figures and anchors to guide my emotions as I grew. My grandparents provided a sense of connection but…the chasm in age made it a high hill to trek.
So, whatever emotions welled within me, I bore in silence, a quiet suffering known only to the recesses of my heart.
There were days when I would zone out and only assume in wonder where my parents were, marvel how different my existence might have unfolded had they played a more prominent role. These assumptions became my companions as though musings with me were loyal shadows through the years.
Gently towards 16, I grew distant from my family and sought refuge in friends I spent more time with. This was my pursuit to fill the missing piece in the puzzle that was my perplexed life. This, too, was probably my mind’s way of shielding myself from a disguised sanctuary in relatives who might do the same as my parents.
I just couldn’t risk being abandoned again, not when I haven’t even healed from the wound that still festers. For a body filled with scars, I find it hard to forget.
Besieged by the relentless noise of somber memories of a childhood life I never chose, my mind turned into a battleground. Bitter echoes of the past became endless thoughts I struggled to let go of, knowing deep down it might never come to pass. It remains a clattering noise in my head that, even for a minute, refuses to fade.
Letting go is not always an option
In the fullness of the past, I eventually accepted my circumstances. It was a rite of passage that allowed me to unveil the full weight of unfulfilled expectations and the power to move forward. Because despite all that I’ve gone through, I’ve grown to understand. But perhaps, I also haven’t grown enough to loosen up.
And I hope that one day if I still haven’t let go, I am shown the same kind of understanding that I’ve been too fair to give, even when it may not have been necessary, even when it may not have been deserved.
For so long, my heart echoed with a single longing — a longing for silence and peace. In a world that screams regrets and present chaos, I yearned for moments of stillness. It was a quest that defined my past, a hunt to complete in a world that often seemed determined to drown out the quiet whispers of my soul. And in this quest, I only had one mission — to be free from bitter memories that constantly haunt the uncharted corners of my mind.
Silence as a state of mind
As events unfolded over the years, I learned to know that I was walking the wrong path. I began to realize that silence isn’t a tangible pursuit. It is a state of mind, an inner sanctuary I unknowingly carry with me. I learned that to seek silence is to bear all the noise that ceaselessly surrounds me. Because for as long as I evade it, it will forever follow me, lingering just beyond my grasp.
Silence is a way of being. It is two clouds colliding in a limitless sky. It is finding myself caught in a gentle shower of raindrops and basking in all its glory. It is the symphony of the universe, an intricate and harmonious composition of all that is, was, and will ever be.
It is the rare and precious seed that takes root in the fertile soil of my soul, the valley fog that falls over hollows and basins at dawn, and the whispered secrets of the cold breeze in the night sky. It is the gentle cadence of my heart at peace.
Silence is delving into the annals of my past, not to rewrite but to reinterpret it, not to forget but to glean from it the wisdom and fortitude needed to move forward. It is something that I am determined to cultivate in my life, one that I will nurture as one would a cherished flower.
It is when in the quiet moments when the world hushes and my heart whispers, I wouldn’t have to self-isolate, I just close my eyes and find my way back to myself.
