My Therapist Thinks I’m Codependent — “I don’t believe her”
How can one be hyper-independent and codependent at the same time? Is it even a possibility?
When my therapist called me codependent I started doubting her qualifications. How can that even be true? I am the most independent person I know. For someone who has heard all their life that-
“You are the strongest person I know”
“If anybody can do it, it is you”
“You’re my go-to person in a crisis”
For someone who has always been the one providing help and never the one asking for it, it was a hard pill to swallow. So yes, I refused to believe her.
Guess what? I was wrong. It took my shrink one self-discovery activity to open my eyes. She asked me to make a list of 10 things that make me happy. Only one condition- It shouldn’t involve other people.
I’m pretty sure she had her fair share of fun watching me struggle to find one such thing.
My Struggle with Solitude:
Whatever came to my mind involved other people.
“Watching movies….with my sister”
“Traveling with my friend group”
“Icecream breaks with a fellow colleague”
“Video calls with my best friend”
This is when it hit me. I can’t be happy alone. Maybe I can but I’m not. So far all my favourite memories and activities involve other people. I wouldn’t enjoy any of these without these people.
The Epiphany:
That’s when it finally sank in — I might be fiercely independent in many aspects of my life, but when it came to emotional well-being and happiness, I was undeniably codependent. My emotional state and sense of fulfillment were heavily reliant on the presence and approval of others.
Codependency is often misunderstood as being entirely reliant on someone else, but it’s more complex than that. It can coexist with independence, making it a nuanced and challenging pattern to recognize in oneself.
Signs to identify codependency in yourself:
Do you often neglect your own needs for the well-being of others?
Is your self-esteem dependent on what other people think of you?
Do you often overshare and struggle to maintain boundaries?
Do you find yourself trying to ‘fix others’ or control their lives?
Do you fear abandonment or rejection?
If you answered yes to most of these questions, you are emotionally codependent.
Conclusion: The Correlation Between Hyper-Independence and Codependency
Ironically, I found out that hyper-independence and codependency can coexist within the same person, in fact, the former can further propagate the latter. Here’s how-
Stage 1: Not Asking For Help
- Hyper-independent individuals hesitate to ask for help or express their needs not because they are strong and independent and can do everything themselves. They fear vulnerability and don’t want others to think of them as a weak person. And sometimes because of experience with asking for help and being let down by others.
Stage 2: External Validation
- This fear of judgment makes them yearn for approval and reassurance from others because they have an image to maintain. The image of being strong and self-assured. They’d rather die of pain than openly accept that it hurts; a classic trait of codependency.
Stage 3: Boundary Struggles
- In such a case setting and maintaining healthy emotional boundaries becomes challenging for hyper-independent individuals. They may become enmeshed in others’ lives. Trying too hard to help others because they were let down when they needed help, and now they want to be there for someone else in order to overcompensate for that.
This is precisely why codependent individuals often function as human bandages. They offer their support to others, especially during times of crisis or when others are in pain, assisting in the healing process. However, once those individuals recover, they often discard the codependent individuals.
This pattern inhibits codependent individuals from establishing genuine and lasting connections. While they may perceive these connections as meaningful and reciprocal, in reality, they are primarily based on necessity. Codependent individuals are essentially filling a temporary void in the lives of others.
So my dear lovely reader, please don’t. Please stop being a human bandage. Recognize these signs and stop looking for external validation.
You are lovable! You deserve love! Not because of what you do but who you are. You don’t always need to be strong. Know that even when weak you are equally lovable.
