Reasons To Leave When The Toxicity And Abuse Take Over
Why I Left My First Marriage
When I left my previous marriage, most people were very surprised. Only a few people knew that there had been any issues going on. In reality, it was a long time coming.
I left sooner than I anticipated, though. You see, I had a plan on escaping that life, but circumstances suddenly changed such that waiting was no longer an option. That’s when I abruptly left one day, with zero intentions of going back. Even I was surprised by my sudden departure, because it happened more so out of necessity than out of the timeline I had set forth.
Most people don’t know this story, but I’ll share a brief outline and some of what led up to the end. I’m keeping most of the details private because it is really no one’s business (perhaps I’ll save all of that for my book). But I do feel like I should at least share part of it. My ex-husband got to share his warped side of the story, divulging many personal things about our relationship and me in an email he sent to all of our shared acquaintances; but that is not what this is for.
This is for those of you in a relationship that is unhealthy or abusive or toxic; or a relationship in which you settled; or if you’re unhappy or miserable or can’t imagine having the other person be a parent to your future child; or you’re being held back; or maybe you’ve just outgrown the other person. Whatever the reason, let this story inspire you to make a change.
About 9 months before we separated, I delivered an ultimatum: either we go to counseling together and he does therapy on his own, or I wouldn’t be able to stay in the marriage.
He never took me seriously. I am not one to really argue, especially about small or petty things. I didn’t get overly angry or really speak up much because my husband had me mostly convinced that he was always right or knew better than I did, or that my opinion didn’t matter. Whatever the reasoning, he always got the last word.
I also avoided confrontation in general and tried to talk things out logically and calmly rather than getting overly emotional. I left the emotional shenanigans mainly to my husband. He had a bad temper, was very sensitive, and was overly critical of others and himself. I just tried to keep quiet and keep the peace most of the time.
I’m not perfect. Sometimes I would lash out at him if he yelled at me or told me I was doing something wrong. We would get in screaming matches from time to time, which I hated. And even still, sometimes it would escalate. Almost all couples argue and disagree and get into fights, but not all of ours were safe or normal.
There are so many reasons, big and small, that led to the ultimatum. One example is that he wouldn’t let me work. When I did get a job teaching painting classes at a sip-and-paint boutique, he got a job as a bartender at the same establishment. He had his own high level career in aerospace engineering and didn’t need a second job. It took me getting out of the relationship to see that him getting the job with me was a red flag, as opposed to him being a doting husband.
After I left that job, I wanted to do something else, so I was searching for some sort of career path. He liked to remind me that I only had an art degree and wasn’t qualified for anything else, so I shouldn’t even try to get a job. He belittled me and tried to hold me back. He made my bachelors degree seem trivial. To be honest, I thought it was funny that he tried so hard to demean me in that way because I knew deep down that I was smart and very much qualified for an array of work.
Now, I will say that it wasn’t all bad that I didn’t have a job. I got to focus on art full time, which gave me a lot of opportunities to create and participate in a bunch of shows and exhibits. But I know I would have been much happier if I was also working at that same time because I missed interacting with people. Plus, I would have had my own money.
Another example of why I needed something to change, a big one, was that he was most likely clinically depressed with pretty notable anxiety, and he was holding me solely responsible for his happiness. I didn’t want that job nor was I equipped to handle his great sadness.
The year prior to me leaving, my grandmother passed away in April, followed by the death of his grandfather in May or June. Neither of these deaths was a surprise. We had time to prepare. We did, however, lose our friend, James, age 31, unexpectedly in April.
Although I was still grieving my grandmother and James, I put on my big girl panties so he could lean on me for support when his grandfather died. A few months later, my final living grandparent, Papa, died unexpectedly in September. I had a very close relationship with my grandfather, so I thought I was going to get to grieve him fully like I needed to and maybe fall apart a little, but I didn’t get that chance.
When my Papa died, my husband made it all about himself and how sad he was. I begged him to go to a therapist to talk about his sadness and anxiety that always seemed to be mounting. He went once and said the lady told him he needed to talk to his wife more, which I thought was total BS. (Whether she actually said it or he made it up, I do not know, but it doesn’t matter because it was horrible advice). It just didn’t make sense. I didn’t have the answers to cure his darkness or aid his anxiety.
He would wake me up in the middle of the night to talk about all of his worries and I would listen, but I knew a therapist would know better ways to help. He would tell me that I was the only thing that made him happy or gave life meaning, and it would make me want to run away. That’s a lot of pressure to put on one person — especially when half the time, he was tearing me down or yelling at me and the other half he was putting me up on a pedestal. It was exhausting and overwhelming.
This all may not seem like a lot, or it might seem monumental to you, but for me, it got to be too much with everything else going on in our relationship. The day before I left, we had been fighting all day via text about why I deactivated my Facebook account, how I didn’t ask for permission, and how it would look like he was married to a ghost. This all seemed to be a very big overreaction.
After I deactivated my Facebook account, I decided to go running with a mutual friend and left my phone at her house while we ran. So I stopped answering angry texts. After we ran and I went home, he was there on a break from work and was absolutely livid. I knew he was under a lot of stress at work and I had a commission deadline to hit in the next day or two, so I decided I’d go stay at my parents’ house for the night. I also knew this would give him some time to calm down. So later, when he was back at work, I started packing my car.
He came home as I was getting ready to leave and all hell broke loose. What happened in the following hour was sheer chaos and terror. I should have called the cops but instead, we called our parents to come over. After what happened that night, I knew I had to leave. There was no way I was staying any longer. So the next morning after he went to work, my mom and I gathered a few of my things and I left.
A few people tried to talk me into giving him another chance after we had been separated a while, since he finally agreed to go to therapy and wanted to do couple’s therapy, but I politely told them that would not be happening and they needed to mind their own business. I had had enough.
No one ever knows what goes on inside a relationship except the two people that are in it; and if they have kids, the kids probably know a little about it all, too. On social media it always looked like we were so happy and had a great relationship, but that wasn’t reality. It wasn’t all bad all the time, but the little things that should have been red flags at the beginning of the relationship turned out to be huge issues down the road.
I try to keep things real on my social media now and with my writing. We all have struggles. Sometimes it’s nice to share when you’re struggling so that you can find support. I always find that helpful, anyway.
If you’re reading this, remember:
- You’re never truly stuck because there’s always a way out.
- Social media isn’t real life.
- There’s always another road to be traveled.
- Love yourself most, so you know when enough is enough.
