So maybe I look back to…
And on a gloomy night when I was thinking and looking back in the past, reliving the memories I hold on to so dearly I reflected back on the thought of why am I looking back? … Is it to really relive the good feelings or is it to validate that if all that was real or is it to find where I went wrong or maybe is it to comfort myself that it was not my fault or maybe to give myself enough fuel to continue my living in denial for just a bit more… .
What it is it that I was searching for in my past and why was I even doing it and not creating it in my present?
What I have understood is that we have exhausted so much energies towards making things happen and getting hurt that when now we need that feeling or validation we are just not ready to start it from scratch anymore and suffice ourselves with the minimum through reliving the past and punishing ourselves . We keep picking each scenario and finding faults in that. We overthink on it so much to get the proof that every thing which has happened was really there and it was all true and not some hallucination , until we exhaust every drop of energy we have . We give up on our present and create a version of ourselves which is full of self doubt and individual traumas that even we, ourselves do not recognize…
So yes maybe I look back in time to feel again or maybe it is to believe if it was all true.. But certainly I am not giving myself the chance to create a new reality … Are you?
