The Art of Being Nobody
Recently I’ve found myself in a real dilemma. I noticed that I had tendencies to engage in any act of escapism I could. Like Houdini, I escaped the chains of anything threatening to anchor me to the present moment. I elude myself and I elude others, but then feel lost, abandoned, and suffer in loneliness.
I focus on my future so that I can get away from the ordinary. Oh, did I mention I have this fear of mediocrity? It’s given birth to this obsession I have with being more. Being above, being enough.
I don’t think I deserve to be loved as I am. I want to be loved for who I’ll become. It’s an admission, not a statement to incite pity because I know very well we should love ourselves unconditionally.
But knowing it and it being your lived experience are two different things.
I want to be loved, but I can’t accept the parts of myself that aren’t spectacular or extraordinary. I reject the mundane and reject all the suitors who show the slightest confidence or contentment with living mundane, ordinary lives.
It scares me! It’s exactly what I’m running away from. I want to form deeper connections with the people around me, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing myself with others. It’s more than fearing they’ll hurt me or judge me, it’s just that I don’t want to connect with anyone in my current reality.
