The Power of Imagination: How to Transform and Manifest Your Desires
One thing I want to say is that nobody or nothing is flawless.
Everyone makes errors, and it’s critical to acknowledge and note them. Without the guidance of a teacher, there will be mistakes; therefore, being able to accept them and move on is crucial.
There is no preparation for life. Nobody ever educates a woman on what to do when she is alone, unable to call for assistance, without family, or in any of these situations. Everyone has a family, but what if they are selfish, uncaring, or indifferent? That was my mother; her mental instability and abuse didn’t help her much, and she also had issues with sex addiction and gambling.
I have no father to speak of. Mom gives a different story every time I ask, so I’ve given up trying to find out. Instead, I had a string of abusive boyfriends that Mom brought into our home. As for my siblings, most of them got to grow up with their fathers abroad. Whenever I see a father playing and caring for his child now, my heart twists with that old familiar ache — the loss of something I never even had.
How could I have even thought that this was the way to go? I am disgusted. My family was never there for me, I don’t have a family. I never did, and my so-called friends didn’t even care enough to listen! I have a good man who is willing to help me, and everyone thinks I am crazy. They think I’m some crazy bitch, but I just want peace! I just want to be happy again!
Facing so much ridicule and mental abuse put me in such a rancid emotion of despair as if I died and rotted in a hole in the ground while tainted with the stench of decay.
I never learned how to drive. No one cared to teach me. My mom doesn’t know how to either so no car to commute to a normal job, and don’t ever live with a man alone that says he will get you a job.
All men wanted is sex from me. That is the truth of the matter.
Whether it was for an office job, modeling job, or even just some job, sex was always a requirement, something I was not willing to do. I couldn’t rent a room at a nice apartment because I wouldn’t fuck for it, doesn’t matter that I wanted to pay rent and just be a responsible tenant. Oh, no! Sex was a requirement!
These men are married, some have kids, daughters my age even, and they are some of the sickest, twisted creatures I have encountered. Imagine just needing a ride to go somewhere and having someone’s filthiest hands just grab your chest.
Still, I have had to put up with these things because there are no alternatives. People do not know what it is like when you have nothing and then are abused in every single feasible way, but I had to be strong and stand up on my own two feet. No one loves me or cares if I live or die. So, I must care about myself. I must love myself.
No matter what I go through, I have to be strong, and positive, and I don’t let creatures take away my pride or dignity. As much as I suffer, I will not let any man make me feel less than what I am or worth ever again. I am strong, beautiful, and intelligent and I survive. I am a strong, powerful African American woman, and I won’t let my struggles or problems defy me. I won’t let other people’s ignorance or negativity break me… I will be able to smile again.
Everyone abandoned me. I thought that he loved me. When a girl with the circumstances I had, which were bad, they are not many options out there. I cannot go into all the details of my horrible journey. I cannot even be fully honest about it.
The situation was, I am not a bad person; I have made so many mistakes and I hate myself for them. I don’t want to live because of them. However, being a woman in this world didn’t make it easy. I have been trying to find a job for the longest; I have run into countless interviews, and they have taken advantage of me. Some of it was because I was ignorant, but it was because I was a woman. Some men take advantage and most of them, if not all, want sex. One way or another, there was always a catch-all because of my circumstances.
No one gives you anything for free. No one gives anybody anything for free. My own family abandoned me and acted like I was a murderer or something and just belittled me to make themselves feel better. I don’t know my father (not even my mother does), so I never had a father in my life, and that led to a bunch of bad, abusive relationships.
No one loved me enough to stick around and when I was looking for a job I tried to find something as a live-in assistant. Because I don’t have a car and I don’t have the proper paperwork to get a real job, I am left to the mercy of Craigslist and crazy men. Even these disgusting 80-year-old guys want oral sex and think that just because I am starving and broke, I should do it because that’s all I am good for.
I love being a woman, but it is difficult being a woman, all alone, with no job. I completed high school, and I went to college, but I was called retarded and ugly so many times, I never knew my worth.
My darkest hour was when I was homeless, and I had to go through unspeakable things just to survive. Men used me, lied to me, and I was assaulted and degraded. I blame myself. I was so ignorant. If my journey has taught me anything, people are people. No one cares about you, no one will love you and want what is best for you, besides you. That is what I had to learn.
All this could have been avoided had my mother not spoiled countless opportunities for me because she was so jealous of me. So she did her best to make my life a living hell, including hitting me countless times in the head. Just so I could become retarded, and then she would get more money from the government is what she used to tell me.
Still, despite what those monsters and demons have done to me, tried to break me, destroy me. And to those who I thought loved me, but instead cast me out, hung me off a cliff by a strand of hair to be thrown into the fiery pits of hell.
I went through hell.
I cried oceans of tears; I have dealt with the evils and racist system of police and jealous employers that all had a hand in ruining my life. I am still alive, damaged yes, because hell is not easy, but I love and care about me.
My strength, my mind, and my determination to be able to smell the soft and see the different gorgeous, shades of green. I can not believe anyone cares about me because I can not trust anyone, trust landed me in hell. I fight every day and try every day to love myself because no one cares or loves me more than me. I have to love myself enough to keep going and not give up.
I have to summon my inner fortitude and be optimistic that I will restore my well-being, and find a path back to living life to the fullest. It’s imperative to understand that self-love isn’t about seeking perfection or never making mistakes.
Instead, it’s being understanding and compassionate with oneself, remembering we are all worthy of love, and trusting in ourselves even during the most trying times.
It is essential to focus on the progress I make, even if it seems insignificant. Self-love is an unending quest. I’m alive and will keep pushing forward. For example, if I have a difficult day I could tell myself that I did my best, and this doesn’t define me as a person.
But then again, some might suggest treasuring oneself too much can lead to narcissism. If one believes they always deserve unconditional love and respect, they might start thinking they are superior compared to everybody else.
This could bring out selfishness and apathy towards others. Rita Mae Brown once said, “The only thing you can do in life is to be who you are. Some individuals will adore you for who you are; most will love what you can give them; while some may not like you at all.”
Self-love is a continuous journey where everyone has the power to influence others positively. “Remember you are not broken, but reborn, rejoice.”
